Rescue. Trigger Warning. Long.
When I was little, before I used to dream that someone would fly by my window and save me. Or maybe that a long lost relative would suddenly come to visit and see what was going on and save me. Sometimes I'd wait around just wait to see if my bio dad would show up.
I watched a lot of movies. Read a ton of books and let my imagination run wild.
When I was in 5th grade a teacher called CPS because my clothes hadn't been fitting and were always dirty, I wasn't signed up for free lunch and I came in with a broken arm. I guess that finally put everything in focus a bit. They took me home and gave me a trash bag and told me to pack, I had 20 minutes. I didn't need that long, I didn't even have that much. I didn't stay at any foster home for long until they put me in a group home, I think it was 6 foster homes until my social worker and a judge decided a therapeutic group home would be best. Too many "outbursts".
I just wanted to go home. I didn't mean for anyone to get in trouble. I was just hungry. I said sorry for taking the other kids lunches and sneaking into the cafeteria. I said sorry for stealing and figuring out how to hack the vending machines. I really was.
The more I write the more I remember the more I wish I hadn't hidden so many things from the people who were trying to help me. As a child I was focused on the things I thought that I was responsible for and dealing with things no child should have. There's still a huge part of me that wants my mom to be happy, but not like that. Just normal happy,
When I log on to MS my heart breaks and I wish I could go back and rescue every little boy. I'd give up anything to be able to do that if I could. I know its unrealistic and childish but its a knee jerk reaction . I'd rather put myself in danger than see someone else get hurt and I know I have to watch myself on that one. Cal has been keeping a close eye on me and it's irritated me to the point of lashing out but he never returns with that same energy and instead will sit with me or hug me. Those hugs make me feel like my skin is on fire and he'll tell me I'm about as cuddly as a rattle snake while I curse him out.
I keep hearing about the child that's still inside of us, that little boy, I don't know if he's there. Maybe my T will help me find him. I have a feeling if he's there, he's ready to fight the entire world.
I watched a lot of movies. Read a ton of books and let my imagination run wild.
When I was in 5th grade a teacher called CPS because my clothes hadn't been fitting and were always dirty, I wasn't signed up for free lunch and I came in with a broken arm. I guess that finally put everything in focus a bit. They took me home and gave me a trash bag and told me to pack, I had 20 minutes. I didn't need that long, I didn't even have that much. I didn't stay at any foster home for long until they put me in a group home, I think it was 6 foster homes until my social worker and a judge decided a therapeutic group home would be best. Too many "outbursts".
I just wanted to go home. I didn't mean for anyone to get in trouble. I was just hungry. I said sorry for taking the other kids lunches and sneaking into the cafeteria. I said sorry for stealing and figuring out how to hack the vending machines. I really was.
The more I write the more I remember the more I wish I hadn't hidden so many things from the people who were trying to help me. As a child I was focused on the things I thought that I was responsible for and dealing with things no child should have. There's still a huge part of me that wants my mom to be happy, but not like that. Just normal happy,
When I log on to MS my heart breaks and I wish I could go back and rescue every little boy. I'd give up anything to be able to do that if I could. I know its unrealistic and childish but its a knee jerk reaction . I'd rather put myself in danger than see someone else get hurt and I know I have to watch myself on that one. Cal has been keeping a close eye on me and it's irritated me to the point of lashing out but he never returns with that same energy and instead will sit with me or hug me. Those hugs make me feel like my skin is on fire and he'll tell me I'm about as cuddly as a rattle snake while I curse him out.
I keep hearing about the child that's still inside of us, that little boy, I don't know if he's there. Maybe my T will help me find him. I have a feeling if he's there, he's ready to fight the entire world.
