Request regarding my depressed posts about suicide

[DanielQ432]

Guys, since this is an awesome, helpful and supportive place that really is a brotherhood, I need to ask my brothers another favor.

I'm getting into a better mindset, various reasons including upping my drugs (prozac, lamictal, vyvanse) and some positive feedback here, on another forum (cycling, of all places, I spilled my guts about everything on a cycling forum - I expected angry villagers with pitchforks and burning torches, I got not a single negative response but a whole lot of really nice supportive replies), from a few people in real life.

Most of all, I'm kinda telling myself that this all is NOT helpful (well, venting helps, but it also feeds into victimization and perpetuates things). I'm trying to come up with a concrete plan for getting myself back on track at work, in my fitness/training (done pretty well but it needs some tweaking), in relationships, with the way I just have been a mega financial disaster for months, etc.

So, please, tell me to SHUT THE FUCK UP if I go back into the depths of the black pit and start ruminating and flashbacking and writing about how I really, really, really want to stop at Dick's Sporting Goods for that "final exit device".

Be kind, be gentle, tell me in your harshest words that I'm being an enormous douchebag, just TELL ME TO KNOCK IT OFF.

I want to live, God Damn It! And, not just exist or survive, but reclaim some happiness and make the rest of my years WAY BETTER than the first 52. I think intellectually I deserve that, and I'm gonna try to convince Emotional Guy living on the sad, past days time-ward left side of my brain to go along with it and maybe learn to believe it to be the real-world truth.

TIA, much appreciation and love, my brothers,

Danny lurking somewhere in the suburban jungle of a major midwestern rust belt metropolis (it ain't Chicago or Cleveland, FYI).

 

[woodenshoes]

Danny

Glad to see your moving to better mind set.speak and you should be heard.

 

[Can_I_Do_This]

Dear Danny,

I'm very glad to read this and to know you are in a better place at the moment. Embrace it and remember this the next time those feelings come around, if they do at all (I hope they don't).

 

[dac]

I am happy to read this post of yours too, Daniel. And you can count on me to be kind, gentle and excessively harsh if you get out of line again!

 

[KMCINVA]

Daniel

There is nothing wrong with your cries for help. I have them and today I had these feelings. I too am trying to change to go back to a time when the simple things were the most important to me. I have chucked over twenty boxes of past material things I stored and never used in many years. Gone and so is the cost of the storage. I am selling my car and downsizing to a more economical one--better gas mileage, lower insurance and taxes. I was always a simple person who may have been caught up in what others wanted. We built a beautiful deck and I remember hearing it is not what I wanted I need a gazebo and then a pool. I struggled for the memories and could not fight the triggers and demands. I too want a simple life without this gnawing taunting I deserve this and that. For I guess I realize I was always more simple, could backpack across Europe sleeping on trains and in train stations, a car never met much to me until I heard I should have a better one but it does not bring me pleasure, I realize our first two family home we owned had more happiness than anything larger because some got caught up with the Jones' and lost sight of what we were to be--a family that did not spit on another, lock in a room took care of each other when sick and not abandon them in sickness, or to listen to in-laws say how things should be done. Right they beat their daughter, they pushed their father from the table over and over and cried we love you. No, for me now I want to be with those that love me and I am missing the friends who have now all returned overseas, they have asked I visit but today I just need to take care of myself and to be thankful for all they did to keep me alive as others tried to kill me.

One day I pray I will have it and Daniel you are on the right path. Believe in your words, because I can say words but not believe or live them for the guilt and shame I carry.

Take care of yourself and believe in yourself.

Kevin

 

[DanielQ432]

Thanks bro's - I need to keep my eyes on the prize and spend my mental energy on my vision of my shining City on the Hill, my future great life.

My short-term goals.

Happy up, Soldier Up, Fake It 'Til I Make It.

Get my job situation under control.

Talk to my Psychiatrist 07/11 @ 10 RE changing meds to something stronger for depression. Welbutrin sounds promising.

Get back into my tri training regimen.

Longer - ok, even though I lost weight, my years of yo-yo porking out has left me with some "man boobs" and some ab flab that NO amount of chest flies, rows, or ab routines are gonna fix. I want to find a plastics guy willing to cut into me despite my underlying medical problems - late Dec would be a good time for abdominoplasty and male breast reduction with pec implants (hey, go big or go home!) - I'm ok in the locker room or the pool or sauna or hot tub if it's guys - many are way uglier than me, but I get kinda self-conscious the second a woman sets foot in the pool/spa area. I think I deserve to become Daniel David Q - Middle Aged Beefcake Stud Muffin - hey, what can I say, from my vague memories of my few dates/relationships with actual women, um, actual sex was pretty damned fun even if I lasted like a whole 73 seconds from penetration to cum. "It's just me and my hand tonight" gets old.

Sex - beyond exclusively dating my hand and a tube of Astroglide. Lots and lots and lots of sex with resonably attractive actual human females who are flesh and blood instead of inflated vinyl

Grad school, grad school, grad school - legal admin or take some remedial undergrads and get an accounting degree with a concentration in taxation and pass the CPA exam.

House Dumpy to House Beautiful- yard too.

Budget/spend wisely - no more cra cra spending. Admit my 19 bicycles - 4 of which cost more than $8K each (most expensive was $12,000 with tax and some gear) is a teensy bit excessive - kinda the way Hiroshima was a teensy little firecracker blast. I

Did I mention beefcake studmuffin sex machine with a nice following of "satisfied" women! Yeah, I'm a horn dog (OK, I'm actually a romantic, seen Pretty Woman 50 times, woukd gladly be someone's Edward to her Vivian).

Well enough for now.

 

[greenwizard]

I'm glad you want to turn things around. If I might offer a bit of advice though... Keep your goals small for the moment. That way you don't end up in a situation where it's been 6 months and you haven't made as much progress as you think you should have so you get upset and slide back to rock bottom. I was given the same advice, and it makes sense to me.

Me, right now my goal is to lose 5lbs. While really I need to lose more than that, it's something small that should be doable. I don't know if you've heard of it, but I've gone back to using myfitnesspal.com. It's a cool little program where you enter your info and your goals. Then it tells you how many calories you can have in a day. Then you just have to log your food and exercises for the day. It can be a bit annoying that every time you put something in your mouth you have to get on the computer and log it, but... still a useful tool.