Request of advice please

[FLRich]

Visha,

Buddy, the things that you did when you were younger were done because you thought that was how to survive. It WAS a way for you to survive. That much is fact.

We all have made mistakes. All of us. Not one of us can go back and change anything that we did in the past. We can only try to learn from our mistakes, and move forward in our lives.

Sure, our brains are going to make sure that we don't forget anything wrong we did, but that same brain will not allow us to forget all the good times, either.

Visha, you did make some foolish mistakes, but you made them at a time that your life was full of hurt and chaos. How can you expected to make healthy, logical decisions when you are being abused at home? How can you be expected to make logical decisions when you are a young teen living on the streets? You did what you could to survive.

You cannot convince me that the things that you did, and the decisions you made were not a direct result of your abuse. You did these sexual things because that is what you knew how to do. That is what you were taught. These things do not "just go away" because you reach the age of adulthood. Some of these behaviors will follow us a lifetime. We just have to try to control them. Many things in our lives will trigger our memories, and take us back to our past.

know that you are a handsome, good looking guy, Visha. I know that you cannot see that, in the state you are in, but you are. Know also that you are a very good and decent young man. You are very "handsome" on the inside, too. I know for a fact of your compassion for others. I know that you loved by many people. Why would they love someone evil or bad? Your friends know they can always depend on you.

Visha, you are not who you were before. You are who you are NOW.

I know it is tough for you to read English, but if you could read Of Mice and Men, you can read these two books. Please read "Abused Boys" by Mic Hunter and also, "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew. These books will explain a lot of what you are feeling. I am almost sure that Leshka has these books, and I think perhaps Androsh, too. If not, and if you cannot get them in Moscow, you know how to contact me, and I will send them to you. However you do it, read these books!!

Take care of yourself, Visha. Things are going to be OK. Sorry I missed your message this morning.

Ya teybya lyublyu, mvoi druk.

 

[Morning Star]

O boy! That is a one long road, being able to forgive yourself for what you have done to your self, and you know no argument will appease you otherwise.

What I did I asked forgiveness from myself, the one who got most hurt, and one day it did forgive me, for it was a cool guy within me, and then I needed to forgive my own self for doing all that, so that was my freedom.

It is a long road, heck but then there is no another way.

 

[Morning Star]

even today I struggle with forgiveness, it is so easy to hate and so tuff to let go, and not so critical of myself, and allow myself to make mistakes, it is ok to make them as they helped me learn so much, and had I not acted out, I would have always been so judgemental. So that is my lesson in humility, I cannot pelt stones at any one now.

 

[roadrunner]

Visha,

To what has been said above, can I just add that when we have bad feelings about ourselves, that does NOT mean the feelings are true.

I talked about this in a thread I started about "Creating Safety, II: Feelings about Ourselves". It's in this forum.

I really do think that what we need to do is to OWN our feelings. We have to admit they are there and not fight them. Instead of fighting them, we can try to understand why we have them. That is, you can look at your feelings and say this: "I FEEL like an ugly unclean man, but I know these are false ideas I have because of abuse. But exactly WHY do I have these ideas?"

Once we begin to work on our feelings as problems we can solve, I think we can make a lot of progress toward stopping them from hurting us so badly.

Much love,
Larry

 

[ak]

I think it sad that you feel need to delete your feelings here. I hope that fear passes, and that the reason that caused it does also. Not that it is how I think usual, but it is bullshit to need to have such fears here.

andrei

 

[roadrunner]

Andrei,

Not that it is how I think usual, but it is bullshit to need to have such fears here.

One thing I discovered was that the times I had the most fear of posting, those times were the ones when I really NEEDED to post. Now, when I tell myself shit, I can't possibly post this!, I just say "Oh yes I can" and hit the "send" key.

Much love,
Larry