Repressed Rage/Anger?

Repressed Rage/Anger?
Bill_1965

Bill_1965

Registrant
At the end of my last session, my T made the comment as we were walking out the door that he mentioned the fact that I dont have any anger or rage. The only time he has seen it even begin to show it was when my now ex-wife was trying to have my parental rights taken away. She was using the fact I was sexually abused as a child as the reason, and at the same time the phyc eval provided by my then Pdoc was eligible and he wouldnt type or rewrite it so it was legible. Damn right I was angry, dont try to take my son from me and dont try to harm my son. If you want to see rage, take that route.

I dont feel any rage on a regular basis. Several months ago I was talking to one of my sisters regarding our father and how he needed my help. During this conversation my rage I feel towards my father peeked out, my sister made notice of it and suggested that I see my T about it. I was there for my father when he needed it. That sister thanked me for being a good son for being there for him. She and I were the only ones of the ten of us kids. The anger/rage I feel for my father has been increasing as I go through T. He was not one of my perps, but I feel that if he hadnt abandoned us, I would not have been in the positions where my SA have happened. I dont know if it is reasonable to be angry at him or not. I plan to discuss these feelings with him someday, when I am ready. This is in the future, but not this winter. In another week hell be disappearing for the winter to a location he wont let anyone know, he doesnt want to be bothered by us kids.

Back when I was 15, during the time of perp #2, I was in a physical fight with my older brother. During this fight my mother came up behind me and grabbed my ear. Not knowing who was there, just knowing while I was in a fight and being hit from the front, I was now being attacked from the rear. I spun around swinging and hit my mother, knocking her out and giving her a concussion. I felt so bad about this and swore to myself at that time that I would never again show anger or rage, so I wouldnt hurt those I love. And have done a pretty good job keeping it suppressed within myself. It had prevented me from showing anger/rage while I was being repeatedly beaten by my first wife, thus never laying a hand back to her and being able to calmly asking her to stop when I couldnt take it anymore.

Since that comment from my T, the idea of rage in me has been on my mind a lot. I do not feel rage, unless I speak about my father for an extended period and go into some depth. I had not previously explored the possibility that I have rage for my perps. I have abhorrence towards them. But rage, I dont know.

Now I fear that I may have buried the rage for them deep inside of me. How can I now find out, without it bursting the flood gates? How to release it without hurting others or myself?

It was a simple little statement on the way out the door and down the hallway. Was it meant as just an observation or to get me thinking as I have? Well it has got me thinking or more like worrying. Ive worked this over in my mind time after time and come up with nothing. Each time I come up with nothing it worries me. I do not want the possibility out there that I may explode with rage and accidently hurt someone that I love.

Bill
 
Bill,
I know what you mean when you say you feel repugnance at your perps, but not rage. I know I have at least some rage in me, since it comes out once in a while, although mostly just in my own head directed at myself.

I understand why you felt bad for belting your mom, but it really sounds like an accident, and one anyone could have. Its not the same as if you were in a verbal fight with your mom, and then hit her. I bet even if you do awaken rage inside yourself, you will be able to contain it appropriately, and I think therapists are supposed to help people learn to channel it in a way that is not harmful.

Your posts show a lot of wisdom, and I have faith that you can deal with this if it comes up.

Ken
 
Hi Bill,

The topic of anger and rage is a complex one. I have done various things to release the anger--but then I still have times when I am ready to verbally explode to anyone who says something I feel is stupid.

You seem to me to be a really focused guy Bill. You are in good shape too. So, maybe getting into an exercise program that includes the possibilitiy of hitting a boxing bag or one of those real big things that fighters slug, might be a help. I think that anger in me is an energy. So, I try to find a way to steer the energy into something that wears me out without hurting others. Oddly, I have found that I fight the water when I swim. I am terrified of the water. But I swim four or five times a week. On bad days I try a swim stroke that I will never be able to conquer--but it gets lots of energy out.

You are a fine man Bill. Don't lose any confidence in yourself to do the right thing. You impressed me as a man with a lot of depth. I think you are pretty solid. So, I am sure you will work this all out without harming anyone. Hope you can be at peace about that.

Bob
 
It is interesting Bill. I have discovered just in the last two weeks that I DO have anger, rage, hate all within in me, but in my mind, it is dealt of by creating an 'other'. Apparantly there is a part of me that holds that all inside, and I wonder what will happen when that comes out one day. I can feel anger, at those who have hurt others I care of, but have a hard time to feel anger at those who have done damage at me. Maybe one day it will be better and easier to deal of. I wish you luck Bill.

leosha
 
Very interesting Bill. I do not feel anger or rage or anything at the people who have hurt me, but I know that deep down there is anger and hatred, and I am scared of what will happen if sometime the "genie is released," I can feel anger toward people who have hurt those I care about, but am I angry at the people who hurt me? Not that I feel, I think part of the reason we all repress anger and rage in regards to all this is because we were told we deserve it and we believed that so our minds thought it was not okat to be angry about it, and also with me, I just wouldn't allow myself to be angry, I never thought I was worth it, but I know I am, and one day perhaps I can feel the anger, perhaps we all can, and perhaps that is part of healing.

Scott
 
I feel hurt a lot. Silly as it might seem, I only get angry at what the effects have been. I still want my perp to have been the hero I thought he was.

I suspect, that someday, I will get very angry over that last statement!!!

Bob
 
Bill - Anger and rage are one issue while vows we make are another.

First, anger and rage are really usual tell-tale signs of abuse. Anger is generally a secondary emotion covering a deeper and more intense primary emotion (generally negative). Many survivors don't even realize when underlying feelings of betrayal, guilt, shame, rejection, etc. begin to emerge, we avoid feeling them by exploding in anger. Most times, we result in addressing the anger and avoid the deeper, more intense negative feelings.

Second, we experience some time of shame in our child/teen years and make what seems like a logical vow to not ever do something. TRIGGER
Trigger
For me, it was getting caught in bed with a female family friend. I was 13 yrs. old and was made to feel like crap. My parents made me vow never to do anything like 'that' again (I thought they meant have 'sex with girls' ). I said yes and spent the next 9 years involved in countless gay teen relationships BUT I kept their vow "never to do anything like 'that' again". Vows, though seemingly logical, bind us into experiencing the most illogical things to happen in our lives. They are very hard, at times, to get out from under.

There are many, many ways to resolve anger. You and your therapist can explore these many possibilities.

Hang in there! You're normal for the abnormal situations you've lived through.

Howard
 
Bill,

I have had a somewhat similar experience. My T has asked more than once, "How do you act when you're angry?" I can't answer.

I know I used to get really nasty at home, snapping at my wife, usually. I remember one time thinking that there wasn't sufficient justification to be so upset. But it was more bluster, piss and vinegar, than anger, or worse, rage.

Anger at the perp? Everytime we have a thread about punishment, forgiveness, etc. I'm out of synch with the majority. I don't feel anger towards him. I don't feel anything towards him. Most of the time I don't feel anything towards his victim, so why should I get angry at him? Sometimes I feel a kind of self-denigrating "anger" at myself if I think I should have stopped him from abusing someone else. I'd probably have a real hard time if I ever did learn that he did.

Yeah, I'm sure there's anger in there somewhere.

I'd ask your T straight out why he made that comment as you were heading out. Whether he intended to set you thinking on it or not, it seems to have provided food for a lot of thought.

Thanks,

Joe

PS - PM me about the conference pictures.
 
Hi guys,

Thank-you for your responses. There is no doubt if there is anger/rage in me. Right now I am feeling it. And at T tonight, it showed. I went in for my scheduled appointment, but I had no appointment, "the computer dropped" me and they scheduled someone else in my slot.

Now I'm about to release some of it, rant time. F*$#&d over again. Last week I called the county mental health department looking for a support group, they told me the only one was at Catholic Charities. I called Catholic Charities, the person I talked to didn't know if that group let men in it so I was sent to the group leader's voice mail where I left a detailed message. It's been over four f*$#&^g days and the bas#&^ds still haven't f*$#&^g returned my call. Three weeks ago I called a pyschologist to check out his condentials/interview him. Still haven't got a f*$#&^g call back from him. I guess it doesn't matter anymore, there isn't no f*$#&^g way I'd see such an inconsiderate @$$#@!&, that won't f*$#&^g respond to a request. I can't count the number of calls for information/help that have gone unanswered. Not a f*$#&^g organization in this area wants to deal with male survivors. If I were a female, I could go to group 24/7. But no, I'm a Vf*$#&^g guy so the h&!! with me. I know I'm not the only S.O.B. in this area that has been dealt this loosey hand. One of our fellow brother lives here in this town.

I just want to scream. Scream, scream, scream.

Doesn't anybody, besides you guys here give a shit about us guys that have been brutilized, raped, had there clothes forcable ripped from there pre-pudecant bodies, had a dick jammed in their mouth, jacked off upon, and on and on and on. I'm so f*$#&^g sick of this shit, the lack of help. The f*$#&^g ridicule.

I can actually feel the anger and rage and other feelings rolling themselves back up into myself, to be f*$#&^g crammed in a deep f*$#&^g corner of what's left of me.

Bill
 
Bill that was quite a vent. I heard you all the way to Mississauga Ontario.

I had the same damned thing happen to me when I sought help. Finally I just called everyone I could think of and others that had been referred to me.

Bill this brother who lives in your town. Have you two ever thought of starting a group yourselves to meet and just deal with all the day to day crap that keeps popping up.

Bill it is safe to vent here and post yourself up a storm. We are all here for each other and I have seen you lend a strong shoulder too.

Count to ten and try again.

Your brother

I have to believe he is having the same problem you are.
 
Thanks Mikey,

Rant has resided. The anger and rage is back in its box, to be released in a constructive and safe manner.

Seeing your only a tad over 200 miles away, you probably could here that one. It started in the parking lot after I slammed the doors out of the center and my T came following after me.

I needed to let it out and saw no reason to yell at the cat. Fagin is a good pal.

I have sent a PM to our fellow brother here in town, according to his posting history, he hasn't been here in over two months. I hope he still comes by to read the posts and sees the PM. My T said he would see if he could locate a support group for me. And I have called Catholic Charities and left a message on the program directors voice-mail, hopefully he will call tommorrow, if not I will be banging on door Wednesday morning.

Bill
 
Bill
I heard your rant as well, and boy do you deserve that rant.

Unanswered calls by people who are supposed to be helping is inexcusable.

I also know about the lack of services for men, and although I'm the other side of the Atlantic we have the same problems, which is why I'm setting up a male focused group attached to a local charity that helps all survivors.
But the figures show the females outnumber us about 5 to 1.

This is due to many things, but the lack of male focused help is a big factor.

Someday we'll be equal.

Dave
 
Hey Bill,

I definitely know what you mean. Emotions come and go. sometimes I feel so much rage that I just pound a pillow, over and over again. Then at other times, I feel like I love my mom (my perp) and am not angry at all. I like yougot in a fight in elementary school and knocked a kid out, and then I only got stronger, so I was always afraid of unlocking my rage. The only real thing I would say to you is, give yourself some credit. In your emails here, you sound like a person who actually acknowleges rage and vents it pretty damn well. And what we have to deal with is extremely difficult. I'm not saying I've got the solution, but I have been exactly where you are. Look at yourself objectively a bit, and I think you'll say "that guy isn't doing too badly, really".

Muffin
 
Bill 1965;
Sounds like you must live in Tennessee, lad. I know the precise feeling after I was referred to RASAC in Nashville, simply because there was no other resource available, and since they are receiving public Title 6 money, they could not turn me away. I was 'allowed' to talk to a predjudiced castrating female throw-back from the 60's counselor whenever they wanted to empty the waiting room, use the back halls, and scheduele me. Talk about being ostracised. I watched while they held multiple support groups and gathered for their weekly self defense training and socialization therapy, but was never allowed within their eyesight. When I inquired, I was told I was recieving more than any other man already, and made to feel like a degenerate. I finally had enough and went as far as contacting an attorney and considered class action discrimination litigtion, as well as filing a grievance with the state dept of finance and admin, but simply did not have tha stamina at that period of time and gave up and decided that at least the females were getting some benefit and I needed to focus on other things instead of male oppression around the world.
But: and I hope the psych moderators who run this sight read this and tell the people involved I am far from through if they continue to slander my name anytime a reference call is made to that facility regarding old records etc from current therapists. The statue of limitations may very well have expired for a discrimination suit, but slander is a totally different issue, and is ongoing and persistant.
Vengence will be mine, thus sayth the LORD. And the LORD will ultimatly be my vindicator; and I understand as of tonight from one of the male counselors at that place, that the ONLY male support group ANYWHERE in the middle Tn. area.......has ceased operation as of last week.

Good luck Bill 1965. Just don't feel alone while you curse and rave about being ostracised. But just remember and take comfort in the thought that they may have to learn how to make bricks without straw some day, and possibly sooner than they think. I hope they don't need any support services learning to adjust from a BC/BS billing rate to a Wal Mart hourly wage. Tough, but I learned long ago the lesson about being productive and having to love the unlovely. I just pray they don't ever stick a hand out in my direction, because I will loose christian virtues.

quote 'In this time of economic uncertainty, it's becoming easy to see who is concerned about providing health care, and who is chasing bucks.'

P.S. I have chosen to stay away from this site as well as other places cyber or otherwise, simply because of reasons mentioned above here and others relating to not quite fitting in. But a social worker who my wife insisted I get out and give a try until I can do better told me today to come to this site and cut loose instead of polishing my deer rifle. Sorry folks but if you have a problem with me here, contact Mike Loftis at Cool Springs and speak with him direct.

Tom S.
 
Hello again guys,

Todays journey went slightly better. I think.

I called Catholic Charities again today, to no avail. The director of programs did not return my call, nor has the leader of their SA group to let me know if they allow men.

I called the YMCA, I think they actually laughed and told me to call the YWCA. I have gone that path before and found the same result - no men accepted (young boys okay, but your out on the street when you turn 16-17).

I called the county's Community Mental Health. I slightly lost it at their access center. The women that took my call told me they have no resources for men, so I asked her if it was "her or the county that feels that men that were repeatedly raped for nine years don't deserve help?", she hung up on me. I didn't leave it at that. I did speak to a kind gentleman that was compassionate to my plight. The county's Mental Health department's resource list, cue cards and such have no mention of SA against males.

He spent a good portion of his day looking for a support group for male survivors of SA. And he called me at the end of the day to inform me of the status of his search, which he plans on continuing tomorrow. He found one at a YWCA a little over two hours away and spoke with them to see if there was one closer to this area and came up with the same findings that I did. He has a lot of phone calls out, waiting for a return call. I hope he has better luck than I have been having.

In his search, he has found this site. He now has a better understanding of male survivors of SA and the determination to find me a group. Hopefully he will be able to enlighten the higher ups and get some corrective action to this. To make sure they at least see their ignorance, I will be sending the department head a letter regarding this lack of concern to the male victims of SA and commending this compassionate guy at their service desk.

This endless line of road blocks have left me with a feeling of uselessness. The line of unreturned phone calls have left me with a feeling of having no value, like I'm not even worth the effort to pick up the phone. A lot of the same feelings of when I was a victim. Having the victim feeling is what has me angered. I have told myself, no more being a victim, and yet the feelings are back.

I have a ray of hope to help pull me through this rough time, this bump in the road - you guys and this Gary at Community Mental Health.

Bill
 
Hi Bill,

This is a real problem. Society just wants to believe that we don't exist. I'm a large, strong guy. No body would think that I'm a victim of SA. Never mind that I trusted my perp, and that I wasn't always this big. The resources out there defiinitely suck. I really hope that you can piece together the bits of good you find, your brothers here, that guy finding stuff for you. My hear goes out to you man.

Muffin
 
I think you have far passed the point of diminishing returns, Bill. Even if you were to find the perfect T who had ancillary team services like social work, MD's who can prescribe, and yes, even support groups of your peers, at this point in time it would be mute, because you like me have been so oppressed and beaten down by the system, you could not walk into a facility and not be continually on the defense from the "Miracle Workers" who are presently unable to function due to their own focus on simply getting the rent paid.
The first time I reached out for help when I was 16 and I was assigned to a county counselor who was trying to learn a marketable trade instead of living in a hippie commune, and it got me sexualized and nearly raped. Strange; nothing has changed in 30+ years. The profession is still choked full of maladjusted pseudo professionals whith store bought PhD's. For future reference to the people who monitor this site; I think if I EVER have to hear one of you talk down to me and tell me I hurt because of MY poor choices; That may very well be the straw that breaks the camels back.
I don't feel any better writing this, and only get angry as Hl, but I do it to keep the rest of the world happy.
Bill, you are at a cross road, a point of decision for the rest of your life. You must decide whether you want to manufacture an entirely new identy and be able to live a semi-free life under your direction and guidance into the future, OR do you want to take what you should actually be recieving by force?
Bottom line; there is no one you can depend on and if anyone wants you to believe that there is "professional help" to guide and support you on your way to recovery, then just stop and look at the first thing you see when you come to this site, and look at who is begging for help.
If you don't have a mother or father or family of some sort, you are on your own, since there is no way anyone else is going to be more concerned about you than themself. Money won't purchase the protection and guidance of a family. Just like day care for your children or nursing home care for your grandparents; there is simply no amount of money that can purchase what a parent could provide. And there is no law written or unwritten to protect you or anyone else. Period.
Take all the time you need, and think about ALL the consequences and make ALL the decisions yourself. Don't allow anyone else to make decisions for you because you will be held responsible for any wrong ones.

quote; 'In theis time of economic uncertainty, it's easy to see who is concerned in providing health care, and who is chasing the bucks.'

Tom S. in Tn.
 
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am totally----(geez, there isn't a strong enough word, even with the *$&^^* thingys)

It's deplorable the way you guys are being treated. I can't understand how people who are supposed to "get it" can be so uncompassionate. I personally am offended, and it wasn't even my experience!!

I've raised 5 of my own sons, and had a part in raising a bunch of others, and I know that guys are just as tender-hearted and soft inside as any female. Maybe, even more. That tells me, (not even a trained professional!) that they have the potential to be just as damaged---maybe MORE---than a female victim. To say that there are no resources for men???? What the heck is THAT???!!! Zammo! You're grown now, you're fixed??? Emotional trauma is only for women? Riiiiiiiiiggggghhhhhttttt....

The reason I came here, is to find support in helping a young man (17 year old CHILD) who is with us now. He hasn't exactly come to terms with things yet, it's brand new territory, so a lot of what you guys are expressing, I haven't seen. I have no doubt that it's coming eventually. I have learned SO MUCH from you all, and I'm so grateful for your willingness to share. From what I've read, it takes incredible courage.

Tom S., there ARE people out there who really care. Who ARE capable of loving you as you are, as a mom, dad, whatever, taking your hand and walking through the journey with you. EVERYBODY doesn't think it's dumb or weird or otherwise inappropriate, or afraid of getting too close. Geez, I was told to bottle feed a 17 year old, and if he decides it's something he wants to try, we're gonna go for it! No, I didn't give birth to him, but I love him THAT MUCH.

I think Lloydy/Dave has a great idea about starting a group.

Just for the record for what it's worth, I DO believe you guys, I DON'T think you're whiners, and it frustrates the heck out of me that people down-play this "evil". You don't deserve it.

((((((Hugs!)))))))) to you all.


Polly
 
Bill
I might be accused of "teaching my granny to suck eggs" here - but don't froget the number one rule when you're dealing with the faceless ones on the telephone.
Always write down their name, ask for their bosses name, note their extension numbers.

And if they don't return your call, then call their boss. I find that gets results, maybe not the answers I want, but I get treated with some respect.

Dave
 
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