Repressed or false memory?


Hello fellow survivors. I need some advice and just somewhere to write my thoughts. I tend to get frustrated if I cant easily orgasm when masturbating. It doesnt matter if I already masturbated that day or not. I'm very much tied to masturbation and porn addiction. I'm starting to pay much more attention to feelings surrounding my masturbation. I feel like it protects me in some way from feeling pain. In the last 3 years I have recovered memories of my mother fondling me and kissing my penis. I sense that there were instances of this molestation from infancy to 8 yrs old. No one has confirmed this to me but i have a "feeling". I confronted my mother 3 yrs ago when i remembered the abuse and witnessed her playfully rub my 2 yr old son's penis when changing him. She neither confirmed nor denied my abuse and said she was only cleaning my son's private area . She just cried alot on the phone and hung up. I brought it up again a couple of months later and she told me she wouldn't talk to me again if the subject was further discussed.
Fast forward to today. I was masturbating and couldn't get off. I decided to sit with my frustration and breathe through it. A thought of me kissing my mother's vagina in a bathroom popped in my head. I have no idea if this is a false memory or not. The other day I was showing to my now 5 yr old son, footage of me as a baby in the early 80s. I usually feel very uncomfortable watching myself as a young child. My body tenses up. I am wondering if more abuse memories are coming to the surface or I am fabricating elements of the abuse besides the fondling. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thx.


False memories are usually too detailed and repetitive to the point of obvious rehearsal. Real flashbacks and memories are broken apart, bits and peices with occasional vivid scences. Sometimes we can remember an entire event if it was traumatic enough. That's PTSD. But most of the time it's scattered. Also when talking about real memories we become nervous, anxious, scared and unsure. False memories are certain, clear and to the point. Real memory is never like that. When confronted with real memories in therapy people will withdrawal, cry, shake, deny and become clearly anxious. With false memories (and fabricated memories) in therapy people will be calm, precise and get angry if you deny them.

I used to be a group counselor.
Sorry you had to experience that when you were a child PM. As I read your post it reminds me of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother. I don't believe it lasted as long as what you describe but it definitely has similar elements... genital play and presence of a mouth on my penis. Those memories came to me much as Riley describes, in bits and pieces over time. It took awhile for me to put them together into a coherent story. Remarkable that you have a son and saw your mother acting out whatever this behavior is for her. That you confronted her about her behavior is both courageous and affirming of your experience. With regard to the newer memories I'd not discount them. I'd hold them with tenderness for yourself and be open to whether there are other memories that will follow. This is a long journey we're on and we need to be stewards of the process. So be gentle with yourself and take good care of the boys... the one who is now five and the one inside who still needs your attention and love.