Repressed memory ~ a personal perspective

[Ken Followell]

What is it like to discover memories that do not fit with the understanding of who you are? I am not talking about remembering some event I your life that you forgot happened. We all have some details of our lives that just dont stand out in our memory. I am speaking of events so traumatizing that your mind does not allow you to recall them as part of your life. In the void created by the repressed memories you create a fantasy life as you wished your life really was. Eventually your mind tricks you into believing the fantasy was the reality.

Eventually you reach a point in your life where it your mind decides you are strong enough to allow the memories back into the light of your thoughts. Either that or your mind just no longer has the ability to keep the memories a secret from you any longer. The lid comes off and the memories begin coming back.

For me, I was 40 when I first began remembering my abuse. I could not understand where the foreign feeling thoughts were coming from. Mental images of me being sexually abused by an uncle just could not be real. My childhood was great according to the memories I had created to fill the void. And in reality, there were good parts to my childhood. However, none of the good memories could take away for what I know now really did happen. I was sexually abused from 2 until I was about 14 by an uncle and never told anyone it was happening. He told me not to tell so eventually I even denied it was happening to me.

I lived with the symptoms of being abused for my entire life. I lived with isolation, trust issues and weight problems to name a few. I never knew why I struggled with the symptoms just that I did. And then the memories came back. At first I did not believe them myself; I thought I was really losing it. But I was able to confirm enough to know that they really happened, so I needed to begin dealing with the reality of my life instead of the fantasy.

Dealing with the abuse has allowed me to gain some control over the symptoms and begin healing. However, it is difficult to deal with people who do not understand not remembering your own life. All I can say is; I know repressed memories do happen and I love the people who helped me deal with mine. Reality, even when it includes abuse, is easier to live with than fantasy.


https://tampabaymalesurvivor.net/repressedmemories.aspx

 

[Cerritus]

The replacing the repressed memories with the fantasy life has been one of the hardest things for me. I always question which one is truly real. I think I do that partially because I do not want to really admit all the bad stuff happened. I know it did and I have the effects of it in my life today so much so I am on disability at age 29. If some one had asked me what my family life was 4 yrs ago I would of painted you this picture perfect storybook tale of the family every kids wants. I have come to find out in the past few years that this is not true and that even the idea of the perfect family as my memories should of been some kind of hint that the past was not so perfect. I am glad to see there are others who have been there and I am not all alone.

Josh

 

[TJ jeff]

I too was abused by an uncle from the ages of 4 to about 9 - he was 8 years older than me

I'm not sure why but my mind never did forget it

I did spend a LOT of time when I was younger daydreaming of being in a better world (things at home where not good either as mom was a physical/mental abuser)

I'm not sure how or why but I was always able to keep the 2 worlds seperate in my head...

TJ jeff

 

[Ken Followell]

Thanks for the replies guys. Good to know others understand.

 

[sabata]

my life was justb rambling along ...i didnt think much about my childhood...i drank very heavy...never gave it a thought..as my family was a bunch of drunks..i knew i was different didnt know why..didnt have time for that have another drink...keep going...then all of a sudden these memories just poped up out of the blue...where the heck did this come from well now i am so involved in figuring it all out.......i quit drinking helps me process my thoughts better...i am slowley putting the parts of the puzzle together...people here help me with that puzzle thanks steve

 

[JAAY]

I did not recall my abuse until age 32. I was molested by my father when I was about 6. I do recall from about the age of 6 or 7 thinking he was nuts but I didn't remember the CSA. I pretty hated him from a young age because he was very tough on me. He was abusive to most of the family but woould charm visitors. I avoided him much of teen years and while going to college. I did live in some what of a fanasty world. I one point I seemed to think I was sent "to save my people".