reoccurance?

reoccurance?
midnight51

midnight51

I'm just curious if anyone has had any form that felt like reoccurance was happening. I met this guy at college... and he has had a rough life, and he's had intamacy problems, feeling inadaquet and everything else.. i felt like i could talk to him and all that. i was doing my thing trying to date girls and messing everything up royally like i always do and he was there to comfort me. i had lots of breakdowns and was crying a lot. anyway.. we were double dating these girls.. and he was having a hard time so i wrote him a note and told him to read it when he felt terrible.. it was very heartfelt and everything.. MY intentions of the letter were to make him feel good about himself and to not be afraid of getting hurt and all of that... but when he reacted to it, it totally freaked me out and that's when all of my memories came to the surface and I lost control of everything... well this guy is one of my roomates and i can't handle it... i'm always in my room and trying to avoid him, i'm like terrified of him... i feel like hes always watching me and i feel small and worthless and i feel like he's trying to control me.. i can't be around him, i can't even be friends with him anymore.. and i'm afraid because i have to live with him all next school year.. i need some advice
 
Midnight51,

Maybe the guy has something in his own past that he can't deal with yet, and your note brought it to his conciousness.

Do you have to room with him next year? Is it too late to make other housing arrangements?

Joe
 
Hey, Midnight,

Is there any chance that you guys could have a beer together and discuss what happened last year and how it could be different this year? I know that it may sound difficult, but maybe this guy needs to vent, too.
Give it a try, find a place that's condusive for talk....and talk.

If that doesn't sound like something that would work for you, maybe somebody in the counseling center could help you formualte a living arrangement plan.

I know how hard this kind of thing can be and my ideas my sound trite, but sometimes the direct approach is best. He just may be waiting for you to start the conversational ball rolling.

Good luck,

David
 
He's not approachable. I'm afraid of him. He's controlling and manipulative and I feel like I've got myself into a bad situation. It's so surreal to me that subconciously I'm attracted to these sorts of people even though they cause me so much pain. The great part is... This past school year I was on a mission because I knew I had tons and tons of issues and I'm starting to realize bad situations and I'm trying really hard to get my life together and be my own person for once.
 
Hi Midnight,

It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation. Living with someone that makes you feel uncomfortable can perpetuate feelings of being violated. Our homes are supposed to be places that we feel safe, can be ourself, and be comfortable. Everyone has the right to expect that.

Depending on where you are in your recovery and the circumstances of your abuse it can be absolutely crucial to your own sense well being to feel safe in your home. I understand the feeling of not being comfortable at home all too well.

Is there something more he did besides just reacting to your note? What about his reaction makes you feel so uncomfortable? Are his actions in some way abusive or is it just your perspective on his reaction?

Maybe a few more details would help us better advice and help you in this situation.

I think David's advice here is solid, going to the campus counseling center could help you develop a plan for living together thats suitable. If you just can't seem to live with him maybe campus housing could help. Maybe they could find a way for you to switch living arrangements with someone else who is having problems that you nobody loses out financially.

Be good to yourself and do what is best for you and your continued recovery. Living with someone who makes you feel that uncomfortable can't be helpful.

Don't be afraid to ask for help and assert you rights. You deserve to feel safe and comfortable in your own home. You can always post any concerns here, there is a lot of good advice here to go around.

Take good care,

Aaron
 
Midnight, are you saying that you fear he might hit on you for sex? If that is what makes you feel that you are not safe, you still need to get out. Sublet your part of the lease. Get to a place where you can rest without fear, and study without distraction.

I take it you have signed a lease with a private owner, not with the school?

Bob
 
I left it alone for a while to see if it would just pass over but he came out and said "what you did don't ever do it again. if you want to persue it that's fine." i havn't really spoken more than a few sentances to him since that happened and that was about 3 weeks ago. I came home for the last 2 weeks of summer because I didn't want to be there. He also rented this movie called Urbania or something with a lot of homosexuality and made sure that he let me know that he got a movie.. so i went out there to watch it and i just turned my head and went to sleep
 
Midnight,

I am in no place to offer advice, but I want to share some of my own life with you. If you can glean insight from it then I have helped. If it doesnt fit though, please dont wear it.

I was married to a wonderful woman, but while we lived together I did not feel safe. I dont know yet exactly how she threatened me and it is really perplexing because I know she loves me. I thought that I should make myself feel safe there because we were married. There was a lot of stuff in our lives that made it hard to separate. We shared a lease, checking account, insurance, and on and on. It was a real impediment to thinking about extracting myself from a situation that felt so intolerably unsafe to me. Not to mention my fear of living alone.

Finally she got up the nerve to leave. The act of separating was extremely painful but I got through it. And now I feel safe at home. I can relax and be who I am without anxiety most of the time when I am in my home. I am discovering a HUGE therapeutic value to this. I let the fear of untangling our lives keep me from fulfilling an absolute need in my life. If she hadnt left I would still be in that unsafe place. I couldnt even have visited this forum because the anxiety was so intense.

So my point, if I have one, is be very careful what you trade for safety at home. Some things you face in extracting yourself from your present circumstances may seem insurmountable, but you have an actual need for safety (at lease I do) and should exercise great caution if you find yourself in an unsafe place (one that causes anxiety). Especially if that place is your home.

I am coming from a place that I feel is similar to yours. But again, if this doesnt fit dont try to wear it. I am just very concerned for you because I know how painful it was for me. If you feel up to it, let us know how you are doing during the school year. We are all here for you whenever you need us.

George
 
It seems like I've head a headache for the past month straight. I think I might have uncovered something that is pertinant... After I ran away from the situation as a child (It happened at my Dad's and I just refused to go over there because the anxiety and fear were too much) My Dad called years later and I decided I would go visit again... I saw the kid and he asked, and I remember this very vividly, "Are you still gay?" I remember feeling very heated and angry (I think -- everything is so buried) Anyway... I never let anything happen after that, and I stopped going over there a lot and pretty much erased this kid from my life... since I came to college I havn't talked to my Dad. I never thought of myself as Gay, I've always been attracted to women, however afraid and insecure I may be... I had a girlfriend my freshman year of college... After my friend reacted to that letter, yeah, I guess I freaked out on my sexuality, and I shut off again, closing myself to the world, my mind wont quit spinning... While at work one day about a month ago I had a vision of my roomate comming into my room and crawling into bed with me while I was asleep.. I immediately jumped up and threw him up against the wall with my hand around his neck.. another vision was I threw him off my bed jumped on him pinned him on the floor with my hand around his neck screaming at him the whole time.. I remember having a vision of him bending me over and me wailing crying the whole entire time... oh and probably the day after he responded to that letter, which was over a month ago now.. he came over to my old appartment (I was still asleep), put his hand on my chest, and I woke up SCREAMING and jumped up with my hands waving... I think I'm going to divulge some of my secrets with a friend... For some reason I trust that she cares/loves me enough to be understanding... From what I remember, she was also molested as a child... So it could be interesting... please give me your thoughts on this.. because my sexuality is really going in circles... it's like in my head I know I'm not gay but there's this voice that says "you're gay" it's soo soo hard on me.
 
Midnight,

Your situation now really does strike me as similar to my own. So I will reveal a little more of me; make of it what you will.

I lived my life terrified of being gay. Some of the fallout from my childhood was a dependence on gay pornography and fantasy for sexual satisfaction. Most times I had to let a gay fantasy play in my mind even when I had sex with my wife. I loathed the idea that at the end of my recovery I might discover that I was 100% gay. I was so afraid of the outcome of recover I had no capacity to begin it.

I think we survivors each find our own way to discover our sexuality. It has not been something that happened at the front end of my recovery. I had to achieve a level of self-acceptance for the gay sides of me first. Now I would tell you that I am straight. I still feel gay sometimes but now even in those times I would admit that I wasnt actually gay.

Here is the funny thing: when the confusion died down some and I was able to see clearly that I was not gay, I didnt say, Whew, that was close. Thank God I am straight. It was more like, oh, Im straight. When the confusion and fear dissipated the question lost some of its significance for me. No longer did Life hinge on orientation.

By the way, I say I am straight but I still feel gay. Weird? I love my wife. I lust after men in my fantasies. This is a situation where I have two feelings that conflict and both feel real and I actually can pick out the one thats really real. Good God the world is complicated. When you find a person to love, love them. Dont color it with judgments about their gender.

George


PS Take care talking to your friend. I would suggest that you seriously consider talking to a therapist fisrt.
 
I've never watched gay porn or even thought about it, and it is always women that I fantasized about and look at. I'm like afraid to talk to guys now... afraid I'll slip up and they'll think that I'm gay or something... like if I look at them they are thinking 'wow that kid is gay' or anything.. and whenever i'm around my friend i'm thinkin he's thinking that i'm gay and that angers the hell out of me and messes with my head and i don't even want to look at him, and when he tells me to do things like clean something up I get pissed off, like he's trying to tell me what to do and stuff... it's just aggrivating and confusing and tiresome... I havn't been sleeping well at all
 
midnight
I think you need to seriously think about getting out of the flat, if you spend the next term or whatever in there you'll both go mad.

I'm sure there must be some kind of student services / assistence who could help with sub letting / room swaps or something.

What you did in giving him the note was done with good intentions, and it backfired.
You had no way of knowing it would, you took a chance based on what you knew and tried to help the guy.
It's a shame he doesn't see it that way, and if he's set in his views he's going to be hard to convince otherwise.
Although that doesn't give him the right to be nasty.

Don't beat yourself up over it, you tried to do good. Feel good about that.
Use the energy from fighting the situation to get yourself out of it.

Don't get involved in his ways, rise above it and look after yourself.

Dave
 
I am thinking perhaps that he has something in his past that made him act as that. Have you ever asked him if something is wrong, or tried to discuss it with him? Although I am sure that would be difficult. I was very afraid to bring this up at my best friend, but then find out that this man also try doing something at him. Perhaps if you can somehow talk of it, you can learn more of each other and be good support at each other. Good luck.

leosha
 
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