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SD, been married for 19ys, {last week)2 kids, 2 dogs, i have been struggling w/ the idenity issue for a while as well. I acted out on my urges,my wife knows this. got me in trouble and my wife has stuck by me. I cant see life without her. when i came clean on all this to her it was hard for both of us of course. but we are working through it and rediscovering each other, really , somethings we are discovering for the first time. anyway that part is going great. In reply to the father issue: i am feeling as if i didnt have a father growing up,he was home, but spent no time withe me. I have been craving male compaionship my whole life. I think the only way my body knew how to get male companionship was thru sex. Finially dealing with SA has helped me see this and stop the dangerous behavior that had become habit. I thought i was gay then i didnt. back and forth. now that i am getting help and starting to understand what the SA has done to me i hope an pray my family is all i need. Sorry this probley wasn't helpful, but it felt good to ramble abit. hang in there.
Jeff
 
:) I am in the same boat.

For sure I am gay. lso I have been married and as most say even my wife: all worth it.

e have you and most at a disadvantage. We are both
professional health care types.

My issues as to being both a rather gay person were never an issues as I was first a person and a male.
The sexual parts of our years have been less that a perfect "10" more like a belly flop in the Olympics.

What keeps us together is love, my Quaker roots are also an asset. I am so passive, non violent
is not the right word but "considerate".


I prefer the gay or sexual ID areas here.

So, big issue and you have found a friend.

I sometimes would like to have a man but with HIV and such: no way, amigo. But yes, I still miss that. I am still a bit "Gay". Yes!

I write poems and short stories. But love is what I suspect drives you inside.

Love has costs and sometimes they are a high tax.

That is enough now.

Cyberhug at a safe level!

RockyMtJoe
 
Well...I may regret coming clean, so to speak. But I think I can offer a slightly different perspective. Kind of the gay man across the fence view. Where the grass is supposedly greener, right?

Oh, my! How do I put this without totally embarrassing myself. First, the father thing? I think most kids, gay or straight, wish they had more time with their Dads. That's just the way it is in our culture. But I'm not gay because I didn't get enough time with my father. I'm gay because I'm gay! And if you want to be with a man, well, don't try and read a whole lot into it. Seriously, it's not that complicated.

But now the really embarrassing part....I mean the part where I totally blush. Are you ready? My partner and I have been together almost 21 years. We love each other very much. But our sex life is not all that great. We are working on it. At least, I hope that maybe when I work through some of this stuff, I might be able to be a little more spontaneous with my lover. But other factors also come into play.

A few years after we got together, we got tested for HIV. By some strange fluke that I still don't understand, I tested negative. And my partner tested positive. I was expecting us either to both be negative or both be positive. But we are very lucky. We're in a totally monogamous relationship. And my partner has been healthy for almost 21 years, despite his HIV status.

So the HIV put a kink in our sex life. Even though I've tried to make safe sex fun, it's been hard (no pun intended) for my partner. He also developed another very serious health problem. I won't go into details. But as a result of this other health problem, he has an unusually low testosterone level. So sex with us has been hit or miss because of these things. I hope to make things better. But right now? With all the SA issues? Well, if you read my other post from today (Gay Date Rape), you'll see that I freaked out in the shower with my partner this morning. The result of a flashback.

So what's this all mean? Well, I'm a gay man living with another gay man that I love very much. That I find very attractive. That I want to spend my life with. But my main outlet too has been masturbation. There...I said it. Blush!!!!

If you are climbing over the fence, so to speak, because the grass looks greener, keep this in mind. Can I imagine life without a man? No way. We may not always have a great sex life but the cuddling (and kissing) is unbeatable!!!! :p

But I think if you are married, you also have to ask yourself this: How much do you love your wife? Do you love her enough to let her go? To maybe give her a chance to find true happiness?

I don't know if that makes sense or not. But I think that would be part of my equation too. Like suppose I discovered that my partner was really straight. He loved me. Wanted to stay faithful to me. And I certainly would want him to stay. But would that be fair to him?

Oh...I've said enough. Much more than I intended. And not in a PM either.

Hope this helps.

Jasper
 
Hi SD,
There may be nothing new for you in what I can say but here is my cents worth anyway, I am mostly gay and in a long-term relationship with a man. I have had relationships with women since I came out so I have some confusion about my own identity.

On the issue of unloving dads and still seeking to fulfil that need. My own take on that is that a gay relationship will not fulfil that childhood need any more than a hetero one will fulfil the need for a caring mother. I talked to my dad recently and the fact that he has no love to give me and never had seemed clearer in me than ever. I felt the need of male love and comfort really strongly, it is not a need my partner could fulfil I still need to mourn what I never had. I think that homosexuality and the need for father love are separate; we do of course bring our unmet childhood needs into any relationship.

Maybe a mens therapy group or something similar would help meet the need for male nurturing in a safe way. I was in a mens group that was about sexuality, I wasnt ready for the subject matter and didnt like the group but the connection between the participants and men being close and trusting of each other was a new and helpful experience for me, I think I will do a mens ongoing group again. I dont tend to find connecting with men easy so I am hoping this will help.

Peter
 
SD

I am separated from my wife of 18 years and it is tough. The main reason for the separation and probably divorce is not directly related to my being gay but other factors. Ever since I have started working on the CSA issue almost 3 years ago the marriage has been taking a nose dive. I realized that our relationship was more charade than actual.

One group that I have found helpful is GAMMA (gay and married mens association). There are local chapters which meet either once or twice a month. I have found it helpful, because most of the participants are married and working on their issues. The most important part for me is that I am not the only one struggling with being gay and CSA. I have to travel a distance to go to the meetings but it is worth the trip. I hope this helps we all have to tackle this situation the best we can with the information that we have. Also, I have discovered none of the members are judgemental but accept us as we are. I have also developed some friends to contact outside of the meetings, which goes a long way to maintaining a balance in this area.

Chuck
 
Sophiesdad
We and certainly me are with you, wish you were
here in Colorado at the end of Spring:

The rivers run fast from the snow melting off and wash away all the crap that collected over the last year.

It never washes all my memories away but it helps.

"out here in the country"

Vaya Con Dios, Amigo


Joe

just a cowboy in the sand........
you are special, amigo (friend).
 
SD,

feel free to PM me but I went through a 15 year marriage but am now happily divorced for a little over a year.

Much of the stress of the marriage is gone, but now new ones have cropped up, noteably the fear of simply living the rest of my life alone.

Anyway, I can share my experience with you if you wish, privately.

Cheers,

Jimmer
 
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