Remembering the emotional experience of abuse
I am slowly working my way through the memories of what is was really like for me during my abuse. This is a very emotional process and, so far, has been pretty painful too. I sometimes talk to people about what happened... the facts I mean. But I have pretty much kept the actually experience locked away.
My first few efforts at writing anything about what it was like were futile... it was not until I read crisispoint's play in the UMF that I thought about trying to write this in the fitst person. And that proved very effective.
It took several days for me to decide to post this here, but now I think I am ready. Please try to take care of yourself if you decide to read the rest of this post. I think it probably contains some pretty potent stuff. If the moderators think it would be better off in the UMF, by all means send it there. I debated about where to put it and finally settled on here because it felt a little like I was trying to hide it by sticking it in a less frequented forum.
To give this a little context, Robert abused me from 16 to about 20 or so. This writing is a sort of collage of emotions during that time.
Anyway, here goes...
*** TRIGGER WARNING ***
It is a sunny day, and warm. I have all of the windows on my car rolled down and the radio up real loud. I feel free, like the whole world is spread out before me and I feel lonely, because my life seems so empty. Now I am driving the long and lonely roads through the country to Roberts house. Mostly I am not thinking about what I am doing, but now and again my thoughts wander. I get an erection as I think about letting Robert touch me and as the erection grows, the feeling of emptiness seems to subside, and for I while I drive on in that euphoric state of desire and expectation.
Then I am turning into his driveway and I can feel my gut churning. There are so many confusing thoughts and feelings swirling inside me but with effort I can ignore all but one this might be the time that Robert says we are not doing those things anymore. This might be the time he acknowledges how much it hurts and confuses me. Robert is not home, but I try the door anyway. He knows that I am in town and the door is unlocked. I know that he left it open for me an invitation.
I sit on the couch to wait. The living room is small and the shutters are nearly drawn. It is very dim and much cooler than it was outside. And there are smells ones I never really could put a name on, but I knew them very well. Robert was a very rugged man and there were all sorts of oils associated with that gun oil, leather cleaner, camera chemicals and somewhere is the smell of sex. My eyes are closed as I sit in the dim room listening to the clock on the mantle. I do not know what I really want anymore the feelings are too confused and too mixed with the expectation of sex and acceptance. Then I hear a car in the drive.
Now Robert is sitting beside me on the couch. I had wished that he would sit at the other end, or in another chair, but he takes his usual spot next to me, but not quite close enough that we are touching. I want to scream, or run away, but I want to stay too. I want Robert to say no, even though he hears me clamoring for sex. I want him to take care of me, and deep down I know this is not. I feel his hand on my leg, just resting against my thigh. It is as though he is testing the waters again, waiting for me to pull away. But I do not know what would happen if I pulled away. Would he still talk to me about it, or would he become angry, or would he not even let me pull away I am not sure, but I need to talk to him. I would not have driven all the way out here if I did not need something, but what was it sex, or a conversation, or suddenly he shifts and now his hand on the top of my thigh, ready to slide in between my legs. Why is he waiting? What am I supposed to do? We have not spoken a word to each other yet this silent drama is unfolding so slowly there is still time to run, but I am paralyzed now. I needed to talk about something it was a problem I had with what was it? I am trying to hold on to reality but I can feel it starting to slip. Now the clock is ticking so loud and so slowly. And that smell is so strong, but what is it? I hear Robert breath and it snatches me back so suddenly I almost flinch. But now it is best not to move at all. If I sit perfectly still then I am neither inviting this nor rejecting it. But I can feel that Robert has moved his hand again and now it must be so uncomfortable for him. Why is he making himself uncomfortable? I think if I move then he will just give up I should shift my leg away and see, but I must sit still. How long will he hold that uncomfortable posture anyway?
The clock is still ticking and I can hear a bird outside I had almost forgotten about outside. I think it was sunny, but now it seems so far away. I strain to hear the bird while Robert tugs at my pants button. He cannot seem to manage it. Tension is thick now, so I have to shift a little to help him. But just enough and now I sit still again. I can feel him touching me and with the erection comes a surge of desire. Suddenly I take my pants off and offer myself. Time flies minutes? Hours? They are a blur. Robert does not even seem to care about himself now he is only doing what I want what I want? No but yes, or I am not sure anymore. It does feel good and so naughty too. Oh yeah, because I am a bad little boy now! I can feel an orgasm coming. Yes because that feels good or is it because the sex is over after that? I am not sure because it is coming so fast and the clock. I can hear it again, but not the bird oh, oh... no, or yes, but it is too late. There is semen on my bare chest. It was warm for a second, but now it is already cold and sticky and so, so gross. I am sitting here in my own nasty mess. I know the next part get to take a shower.
I am standing here in the hot water. But I cannot get it off me the smell or the texture or is it the memory I am trying to wash off. I am scrubbing and scrubbing, but now I feel like time is running out and I better get out of the shower. I dont know why. I just do he might think something is odd if I stay in here too long. And now I am so tired.
The sun is barely over the horizon now how long was I here? The night is cool, but it feels damp and clammy what happened to the warm day I am not sure, but I did have a problem something had made me sad oh! My girlfriend and I were fighting. Was she my girlfriend? Because our relationship was not as close as all the other couples I saw around. Something was missing or was there that should not be. But now I think I know I bet I am gay although that does not make any sense to me. But how can I explain this. I have the window of my car down now even though it is too cold and the wind is making tears in my eyes.
Someone wants to know where I have been all afternoon. I cant bring myself to look at them, but they dont notice that. I tell them something, I am not even sure what it was a drive through the country maybe? Or I was at the beach? I was doing something fun, yeah, that was it! But it doesnt matter because I am alone. Who was I just talking to I wonder? But it doesnt matter, because tomorrow will be here soon and this is always gone by morning.
My first few efforts at writing anything about what it was like were futile... it was not until I read crisispoint's play in the UMF that I thought about trying to write this in the fitst person. And that proved very effective.
It took several days for me to decide to post this here, but now I think I am ready. Please try to take care of yourself if you decide to read the rest of this post. I think it probably contains some pretty potent stuff. If the moderators think it would be better off in the UMF, by all means send it there. I debated about where to put it and finally settled on here because it felt a little like I was trying to hide it by sticking it in a less frequented forum.
To give this a little context, Robert abused me from 16 to about 20 or so. This writing is a sort of collage of emotions during that time.
Anyway, here goes...
*** TRIGGER WARNING ***
It is a sunny day, and warm. I have all of the windows on my car rolled down and the radio up real loud. I feel free, like the whole world is spread out before me and I feel lonely, because my life seems so empty. Now I am driving the long and lonely roads through the country to Roberts house. Mostly I am not thinking about what I am doing, but now and again my thoughts wander. I get an erection as I think about letting Robert touch me and as the erection grows, the feeling of emptiness seems to subside, and for I while I drive on in that euphoric state of desire and expectation.
Then I am turning into his driveway and I can feel my gut churning. There are so many confusing thoughts and feelings swirling inside me but with effort I can ignore all but one this might be the time that Robert says we are not doing those things anymore. This might be the time he acknowledges how much it hurts and confuses me. Robert is not home, but I try the door anyway. He knows that I am in town and the door is unlocked. I know that he left it open for me an invitation.
I sit on the couch to wait. The living room is small and the shutters are nearly drawn. It is very dim and much cooler than it was outside. And there are smells ones I never really could put a name on, but I knew them very well. Robert was a very rugged man and there were all sorts of oils associated with that gun oil, leather cleaner, camera chemicals and somewhere is the smell of sex. My eyes are closed as I sit in the dim room listening to the clock on the mantle. I do not know what I really want anymore the feelings are too confused and too mixed with the expectation of sex and acceptance. Then I hear a car in the drive.
Now Robert is sitting beside me on the couch. I had wished that he would sit at the other end, or in another chair, but he takes his usual spot next to me, but not quite close enough that we are touching. I want to scream, or run away, but I want to stay too. I want Robert to say no, even though he hears me clamoring for sex. I want him to take care of me, and deep down I know this is not. I feel his hand on my leg, just resting against my thigh. It is as though he is testing the waters again, waiting for me to pull away. But I do not know what would happen if I pulled away. Would he still talk to me about it, or would he become angry, or would he not even let me pull away I am not sure, but I need to talk to him. I would not have driven all the way out here if I did not need something, but what was it sex, or a conversation, or suddenly he shifts and now his hand on the top of my thigh, ready to slide in between my legs. Why is he waiting? What am I supposed to do? We have not spoken a word to each other yet this silent drama is unfolding so slowly there is still time to run, but I am paralyzed now. I needed to talk about something it was a problem I had with what was it? I am trying to hold on to reality but I can feel it starting to slip. Now the clock is ticking so loud and so slowly. And that smell is so strong, but what is it? I hear Robert breath and it snatches me back so suddenly I almost flinch. But now it is best not to move at all. If I sit perfectly still then I am neither inviting this nor rejecting it. But I can feel that Robert has moved his hand again and now it must be so uncomfortable for him. Why is he making himself uncomfortable? I think if I move then he will just give up I should shift my leg away and see, but I must sit still. How long will he hold that uncomfortable posture anyway?
The clock is still ticking and I can hear a bird outside I had almost forgotten about outside. I think it was sunny, but now it seems so far away. I strain to hear the bird while Robert tugs at my pants button. He cannot seem to manage it. Tension is thick now, so I have to shift a little to help him. But just enough and now I sit still again. I can feel him touching me and with the erection comes a surge of desire. Suddenly I take my pants off and offer myself. Time flies minutes? Hours? They are a blur. Robert does not even seem to care about himself now he is only doing what I want what I want? No but yes, or I am not sure anymore. It does feel good and so naughty too. Oh yeah, because I am a bad little boy now! I can feel an orgasm coming. Yes because that feels good or is it because the sex is over after that? I am not sure because it is coming so fast and the clock. I can hear it again, but not the bird oh, oh... no, or yes, but it is too late. There is semen on my bare chest. It was warm for a second, but now it is already cold and sticky and so, so gross. I am sitting here in my own nasty mess. I know the next part get to take a shower.
I am standing here in the hot water. But I cannot get it off me the smell or the texture or is it the memory I am trying to wash off. I am scrubbing and scrubbing, but now I feel like time is running out and I better get out of the shower. I dont know why. I just do he might think something is odd if I stay in here too long. And now I am so tired.
The sun is barely over the horizon now how long was I here? The night is cool, but it feels damp and clammy what happened to the warm day I am not sure, but I did have a problem something had made me sad oh! My girlfriend and I were fighting. Was she my girlfriend? Because our relationship was not as close as all the other couples I saw around. Something was missing or was there that should not be. But now I think I know I bet I am gay although that does not make any sense to me. But how can I explain this. I have the window of my car down now even though it is too cold and the wind is making tears in my eyes.
Someone wants to know where I have been all afternoon. I cant bring myself to look at them, but they dont notice that. I tell them something, I am not even sure what it was a drive through the country maybe? Or I was at the beach? I was doing something fun, yeah, that was it! But it doesnt matter because I am alone. Who was I just talking to I wonder? But it doesnt matter, because tomorrow will be here soon and this is always gone by morning.
