Remembering (evil) thoughts from that time period

Remembering (evil) thoughts from that time period
E

EGL

Registrant
I was reading a post over in the Male Survivors Mmebers forum that made me think back to the time period after I was sexually abused. I was sexually abused by my older brother when I was about 12, and and physcally abused by my father all my years in his house. I remember in my mid-teens thinking quite often along the line of "When I get grown up, I'm going to find a woman and rape her." I remember thinking this quite often, planning what I would do, etc. I remember thinking of whoever that woman would be as simply disposable.

Obviously, it didn't ever happen, and I'm ashamed to admit I ever had such thoughts, even as a child/teen. Am I bizarre for having had such thoughts? Is it common or uncommon for those who've gone through what we have?
 
Hey Eddie... I don't think it is abnormal. I never thought those types of things, but I used to imagine hurting other people either at school or in my family.

I think that our natural tendency as humans is to react to what is happening to us either by turning it outward (violence against others) or inward (violence against ourselves.)
 
I certainly don't think you abnormal for having such thoughts. My own past acting out and lashing out at others had roots in the abuse I suffered. I have tried to to turn those temptations into a strength - the strength to help others and to heal pain rather than cause it. Knowing how deep such pain can be gives me strength to strive to prevent and ease it.

Wishing you Peace.

-------
'If you're going through hell, keep going.'
-Winston Churchill
 
I have not thought such things. But I do not think you abnormal to think them. I think there is lot of thoughts, fantasies and such that happen with us, and with 'normal' men also probably. I just never thought I ever would be with anyone, let alone in intimate manner.

Leosha
 
EGL,

I know what your talking about. I too had those kind of thoughts after the abuse started on me (8 to 12 at the hands of an uncle). I fanticised about raping a boy my age, I had a particular boy in mind. He was what seemed to be tough, actually brooding, seemingly much more masquline than me. In my mind I figured that if I was able to seduce or rape him, I'd be more powerful / masquline than even him. I would of been the one with the control. Control is what it all came down to, me feeling a lack of control by being abused, and me trying to regain it by fanticising seduceing/abusing another or acting out consentually with other guys later on.
In my case it was fantisy back then as a screwed up little kid. You can see how others get caught up in that cycle and abuse others, thus the vanpire syndrome.

I didn't think about this till I started dealing with the abuse issues back in 99.

I think that there are alot more of us who had these kind of thoughts, it's just not easy to talk about.
 
Eddie, I remember reading an article where President Jimmy Carter apparently claimed to have raped over a 1000 women in his mind. And he seems to have done all right in life. I think that the gulf between fantasizing and actualizing is as large as the Grand Canyon. I remember in highschool, a casual friend of mine had suggested that we abduct a girl and rape her. For just a few minutes I remember being somewhat turned on by the idea, but then when I realized he was maybe half serious, I made some flimsy excuse to go home and never really saw him again except at school when passing in the halls. I heard many years later that he ended up in jail. I never asked for details. Peace, Andrew
 
Eddie - (possible trigger) one of the things that has come back to me since I started dealing with the abuse issues, is that I had some mad fantasies that I didn't understand at all. I was 12 when abused by an older male - prior to that I had played (innocently) Doctor's & Nurses with girls of my age (we were very ignorant in 1969).

After the abuse stopped (still only 12), I started thinking that it would be a good idea if a male & female couple abducted me, took me to London & kept me prisoner in a room where I was never allowed to wear clothes & never saw daylight. The fantasy also involved them both doing things to me that I didn't understand either. I thought the man had to be there (on reflection of what I had experienced). The woman I had brought in because somehow that seemed to be what should have been there rather than the male.

Obviously on reflection now, I would never have wanted that to happen; to be abducted. It was my mind trying to make some sense of the chaos it was descending into for the next 3+ decades.

I bet there are even more bizarre fantasies that others could post, but mine was simply that. It's one that I didn't even raise in therapy & this is the first time that I've ever mentioned it. It came back to me fairly recently, & is an indicator to myself that I can now handle some of the more upsetting memories of where I've been all this time.

Stay strong...Rik
 
Thanks for all the replies. I talked about this topic with my therapist last week. I was reluctant to at first, mostly out of shame and fear of what he would think of me. If anything, I've learned that nothing phases this guy - he's heard it all.

So, my T told me of a study he had read recently. It was conducted back in the 1960's during the civil rights period, and was conducted with black men. They were asked to express their emotions over the past injustices that were done to them. The overwhelming majority of the respondents replied that they had strong desires to rape white women to avenge themeselves and their ancestors. As my T explained it, they wanted to pay it backwards (to avenge their ancestors) and pay it forwards (to exact revenge for themselves). He said this is quite common in abuse situations, to want power to prove that you weren't weak. The ultimate "proof" to many men, is to prove their basic manhood function.

A point he made that stuck with me, is that I didn't follow through on the rage I had over the abuse to carry it out. Neither have I abused my children. The cycle was broken with me.
 
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