Reluctant to post this

Chat has become toxic for myself and a few others I talk to it is triggering rage. We all feel it is effecting us because of our past and events of abandonment. I say I am reluctant to post this as I have had the same problems at another site. It was a mixed site male and female for PTSD. I asked a simple question why do people leave chat without signing off as the chat rules say you are supposed to. I explain that I have problems with being abandoned in my past and this feels the same to me.



The things that effect me are people just disappearing, Or not greeting people when they enter and then the next person comes and everyone greets them. It makes me feel left out. I know for the most part none of this is intentional and that is me and negative assumptions that are the problem



I got a lot of responses some where ok they told me life happens and you have to leave for many reasons, Then the attacks started the final one came from and administrator of the sight telling me it is not their place to be looking out for me get it. I left the sight and went back once to disable my account. I was glad at that time I had met someone from here and he told me there was very little drama of here but the reading was more triggering. I had already join by the time I had left the other site.



I know this is my problem. I have been encouraged by others telling me they struggle the same in chat



I felt the same way when I was 7 or 8 and the primary perp gave me away, I thought I was special and he gave me to 2 guys that hurt me. I felt hurt and abandoned by him. The second came at 13 when my dad kicked me out of the house with nothing and when he found out the next day a cousin had helped me he told the whole family not to help me he was teaching me a lesson. I think the family took it to heart as none have ever helped me and that was 51 years ago now.

I met the worst most violent person I ever met and he would attack me several times over the next 5 years until he was killed in a house fire. The next was in the 80’s I was 29 and my brother was killed on his motor cycle. We were the best of friends he was the one that could make friends and included me. I was also trying to figure out who I was gay straight or what I lost most of my friends but then they weren’t mine they were my brothers. I felt serious abandonment from all of these event and most likely more.



Thanks for reading this. Maybe someone can help me get past this, before I just get cut adrift. I know this is my problem I am airing it here with hope of getting past this



Take Care

Thanks for being here

Esterio
 

PRFL

Registrant
Hi, Esterio,
Not sure I have a good answer other than share some of my own issues that may resonate with this, even if just a little. Sometimes I would pop into the chat room, usually somebody says hi, and answer back, but I usually want to get a sense of what kind of conversation is going on, sometimes I can relate, sometimes I cannot, like the other day there was a lot of talk about wine and I don't drink. I usually stay for what I believe is a polite amount of time and then I would leave, I might announce my exit but sometimes i just sign out as I believe my presence is not important (or so says my needy brain). Sometimes there may be somebody else that is struggling and I don't feel comfortable bringing my own issues, as chat with several topics and talkers at once can get very confusing. So, for me, it's trial and error, sometimes I'm able to strike up a good, helpful conversation, but sometimes I just can't. I dont' feel that people are deliberately ignoring me, as I know i have the right to speak up and get heard, and it's me that is choosing not to exercise that right. Sometimes I'm just exhausted and don't feel I have much to contribute.
As for you, I recall that you were one of the first persons to greet me here, so I remain very grateful to you for that, and I like to see your name pop up as you always seem to have something interesting/useful/good to say.
Chat is definitely a less than ideal way to communicate, especially about difficult painful stuff, so I try to keep that in mind.
Not sure if this will help you but I hope at least I'm understanding your issue correctly, my apologies if I don't get it right.
 

Sterling

Registrant
Hope you can feel my love.
sorry you feel abandoned.
By that feeling of being left alone Will make you stronger by not repeating that behavior to others
...love will come .
xo
J
 
I might announce my exit but sometimes i just sign out as I believe my presence is not important (or so says my needy brain)
Hi PRFL

Please don't think your presence is not important, It is very important for us to be a member here. We all have something to offer. I think everyone has something that needs to be said. I try to greet everyone when they enter and say bye when they leave. I say try as I know I miss lots. I know what it feels like to feel left out, so I try my hardest to be a welcoming person to all I see that just entered and especially if they just joined. I know that a friendly hello to someone reaching out for help really can helps a lot. I remember the first person to welcome me here and it felt really good at the time I was in crisis Having just left the PTSD site I was at and was really wondering if being online was the best thing for me to be doing. I remember the first person I met at the last site I was at and we are good friends and check in on each other. So the first hello's are important for me to give. I am always looking for more people to talk with and maybe strike up a friendship.

Chat is not a good place to have some conversations. They are better had in the forums or private conversations. They do happen in chat because the topic comes up and it can be good conversations.

It is not being acknowledge or being left alone talking to myself that hurts me as the abandonment did it feels the same.

Thanks for your response PRFL
Take Care
Esterio
 
Hope you can feel my love.
Hi Sterling
I can feel your love. I try my hardest to never let others feel as I do. I try to greet everyone that enters. I know it is not something that others can solve for me, I do not expect others to change their ways to accommodate me, that will not happen.
What I am looking for from this post is how do I combat the feeling of being abandoned?

Maybe asking to much as well

Thanks Sterling much appreciate your reply
Take care
Esterio
 

PRFL

Registrant
Hi PRFL

Please don't think your presence is not important, It is very important for us to be a member here. We all have something to offer. I think everyone has something that needs to be said. I try to greet everyone when they enter and say bye when they leave. I say try as I know I miss lots. I know what it feels like to feel left out, so I try my hardest to be a welcoming person to all I see that just entered and especially if they just joined. I know that a friendly hello to someone reaching out for help really can helps a lot. I remember the first person to welcome me here and it felt really good at the time I was in crisis Having just left the PTSD site I was at and was really wondering if being online was the best thing for me to be doing. I remember the first person I met at the last site I was at and we are good friends and check in on each other. So the first hello's are important for me to give. I am always looking for more people to talk with and maybe strike up a friendship.

Chat is not a good place to have some conversations. They are better had in the forums or private conversations. They do happen in chat because the topic comes up and it can be good conversations.

It is not being acknowledge or being left alone talking to myself that hurts me as the abandonment did it feels the same.

Thanks for your response PRFL
Take Care
Esterio
Well, not ALL of me thinks my presence is not important, it’s my wounded child brain that thinks that, so I have this inner struggle between my healthier adult brain and my wounded child brain (it gets VERY noisy in here sometimes).
The other day I was talking to my T about confirmation bias. I’m so wired to expect abandonment, rejection and abuse that when it doesn’t happen, I keep looking for it until I find it, the most glaring example in my case is how I’ve been reacting to my very gentle T, twisting his every word into an attack, a criticism, and evidence of his rejection and abandonment. It’s taken me a ton of energy to be able to see it differently but it makes a difference.
With groups, I have this belief that I’m insignificant so I respond to any cue that might even remotely hint at my “insignificance” and use that as a way of disconnecting and running away, in an effort to protect me from rejection, problem is that then I wind up being more isolated.
Also, it comes to my mind the old adage that “the squeaky wheel gets the oil”, meaning in this context that since nobody can read my mind, I need to let my needs known. Yes, that is risky, because just speaking up doesn’t mean that I’ll get those needs met, but at least it seems I would have a better chance than if I don’t say anything.
One thing I don’t do very well is in being interested in other people’s struggles as I’m so consumed by my own, and that is something that I’m trying to change as well.
Remember, I love it when I see your name come up. If I dont’ interact is not because I don’t think you are worthy, but many times it’s because I’m the one that thinks that i”m unworthy. So, while I understand you might feel abandoned, on the other hand I’m abandoning myself.
I hope this makes some sense and that you find it helpful.
PS: I’m talking a lot about myself just to share my personal example in case it may be helpful to you, as I dont’ feel comfortable making assumptions about you or what you should or shouldn’t do. So, while I’m talking about me, it’s really YOU that I have in mind as I’m hoping this may be of some help.
 
Thanks PRFL

Learning from others experiences is gold standard to me. I thank you for sharing. My struggle has many directions it is confusing to me. Reading others post about whats happened with them in the past can be very validating for me. Knowing I am not alone is very sad but also validating. I like to get into conversations about the present time what's happening. I find that to be helpful as it can share tools used by people to help them through the things that come up that trigger you. Just another point of view is welcome. Thanks for your reply.
Take Care
Esterio
 

MACH123

Registrant
Hi Ive been chatting with you for years and I apologize for I am guilty of this. I like being able to lurk and leave if it goes silent even for a few moments and look back later and just start chatting if it's active or if I just wanna vent in the empty room which soothes me.

I'm sorry this is bothering you and I notice you seemed uncomfortable and out of sorts. I don't like rules as you probably know but I'll make an effort to say hello and goodbye. This is awkward and uncomfortable for me as it smacks of all "having to exersize the social graces."

Not because I'm against good manners but I guess I feel like it's only and online chat and I really don't feel like people should have to say anything when they get up to go do whatever. It seems to me everyone does it. Your are having a conversation then the line goes dead.

Ok, I'm over it, it's chat I'm ok, but please be ok when I do it. I worry about so much and saying and doing things incorrectly, I thought it'd be ok to wing it here.

Like I said though if it's bothering you I'll absolutely make an effort.
 
Esterio,

I understand how you feel and your feelings are valid. I know there have been times lately I have been in chat but went to check the forums and you came in said hello and were gone by the time I came back in.And there are times I have a few minutes at work but then get a call ... please understand I am not intentionally snubbing, abandoning or refusing to say hi ... I miss our chats and it does seem the chatcitement we experienced when the site came back has waned...I miss it
 
Thanks for your comments Mach and mani

So you know I know life happens nothing I can do about that. I am not saying anyone needs to change or think of themselves as doing something wrong.

I am trying to get over my feelings of abandonment. It happens to me everywhere I go in life. Chat is some where I notice it more and others have told me they feel it as well. I go to chat so I don't feel alone.

So how do you change the negative cognitions that happen as this is happening, and not get to the feeling of abandonment that triggers the rage and ruins my day?

Maybe it is not a question I am going to get the answer to here.

Take care
Lee
 
Hi @Esterio, I'm among those who, like you, process some things because of abandonment. One example: I was kicked out at 15, and to this day relate is as being thrown away. I was not set adrift though, I was made to go through months of evaluation and in-patient counseling. It was more stable for me, because it had structure and few threats. There were bad things, but I was very confused, and had to conform. It seemed like I could just ignore I was a person, and just be whatever it was to be while in the place. There were 4 total, but 2 were like weigh stations that I waited for the next in-patient place.

My dad, whom I knew nothing, and had almost no contact from 5-15 came to get me when the last place was done with me. They put me on some meds that caused the side-effect of temporary partial-paralysis. It took me months to stop feeling what that did to me.

I noticed how hard it was to complete a bm because those muscles were affected too.

Like my mom, my dad was never home. He'd be out with his girl-friend, or a bar, or gambling. I rarely saw him.

I wanted to convey the sense of hardship it is to be thrown away, and how that affects abandonment feelings and thinking. I have a hard time doing in real life friendships this late in my life. I feel, that with my ptsd, my phobia about my body, the thinking that it's all temporary, and likely to end soon, rather than long term, I isolate.

I've no childhood friends, and thinking back, I couldn't make any that would last. I wasn't at any school long enough for a lasting friendship. If I had any chance to figure out friends, I messed it up by making friends with people that were very likely to leave my life. It's a sabotage of my life that's repeated too many times.

I've currently two acquaintances whom I could reach out to. and one who's texted me about 6 times recently, and I've only responded once. It's all during this time of triggers, a back injury, and other pain that I'm not happy about. Add in my mental state, and I'm wanting more to be alone and do nothing, than try to engage in real life. I've gotten very moody about it too.

I want you to know how much your posts mean to me. I've looked for them. I understand you, and I've seen you understand me. That is a connection that feels good.
 

MACH123

Registrant
Thanks for your comments Mach and mani

So you know I know life happens nothing I can do about that. I am not saying anyone needs to change or think of themselves as doing something wrong.

I am trying to get over my feelings of abandonment. It happens to me everywhere I go in life. Chat is some where I notice it more and others have told me they feel it as well. I go to chat so I don't feel alone.

So how do you change the negative cognitions that happen as this is happening, and not get to the feeling of abandonment that triggers the rage and ruins my day?

Maybe it is not a question I am going to get the answer to here.

Take care
Lee
Hi for me as things have improved things have improved. High tide raises all boats. I don't have episodes at the level I used to and I can usually keep things from ruining my whole day. Some things are harder than others. Confrontation with others is one of the biggest and feeling I did something wrong in a situation like that (like backing down)

But it's ok because chat used to do that to me and I recognize that feeling and that's the reason I want to be able to just bounce in and out.

I have a little more freedom now. It's nice.

As always pm me anytime you know a lot of my story I'm here for you. I hope you feel better.
 

flying

Registrant
Hi Esterio, sorry you are feeling abandoned. I have popped in the chat to see if people are there, and then pop out. I will say hi and bye if I do this in the future.

Ben
 

jacats

Registrant
I find the hellos and goodbyes annoying, like sometimes its nothing but hello, 8 people in the room means 16 hellos and then just as many goodbyes every time a person leaves lol but thats just me, in my perfect world nobody would say hello to anybody. But everyone does they thing.
Sooo what I do to not be annoyed by things that annoy me, like anything that gets me irritated online, is I leave and do something in real life. Whatever it is, clean a toilet, wipe down a counter, walk the dog. Life is annoying as fuck most of the time so doing shit I can do helps. Get out my own head and wash all the door handles in the house. Real work is the cure to feeling pissy, for me.
 

Healing light

Registrant
Hi esterio

I can identify with what you are saying in my case I'm not sure what it triggers from for me but I easily feel abandoned , alone , unwanted and rejected.
It's something I don't like feeling , like yourself I want to move forward from feeling like that. I can rationalise that there's all-sorts of reasons that are not to do with me why someone hasn't responded but only after being negative about me first.
That's not just here but as a whole.
I personally can't do chat I tryed but with English not being my first language my day to day life is lived billingual it's very hard to read and respond quick enough when there's a few chatting . I get frustrated with myself and that as I has tryed over the years to speed it up. That then leads on to the frustration at the little support within my own culture ( not that I wish to segregate ) for male survivors
Anyways I'm diverting , I wanted to write you too let you know I fully support your healing journey and am looking for ways myself to work through these similar things we face

Take care my friend
Peace
HL
 
Thank you all for your comments I guess abandonment is just with me and I will have to deal with it as I always have. It triggers a rage in me that is getting to hard to take.
Bye be safe
esterio
 

PRFL

Registrant
Esterio,
I’m a bit troubled when you say that “abandonment is just with me” I think we all deal with abandonment in our own ways, which may or may not be helpful to you. So, I can only offer my experience, which is to stop and take a look at what is the current reality, which is that nobody is abandoning me in the present. Whatever triggers my feelings, they are just triggers connecting me with a very deep pain that I must process, grieve and heal. For that I need help since I can’t be very objective, which is why I have my T, my counselor, and this board, among others. I also need to be clear on what is it that I need from others and learn to articulate my needs so I can get through these feelings. All of this is to help me differentiate the current, present day reality that I’m NOT being abandoned from what my triggered feelings are telling me, which is that “I am feeling abandoned” and that’s a tough internal conflict to resolve, but I need to make a choice of staying in the present as unfamiliar as it may feel because i”m not being abandoned, or staying in the past where I WAS abandoned.
So, while I understand that you feel abandoned, is that the current reality? Several of us here have responded to your post, trying to be helpful.
Do you know what you need? (I myself have a hard time knowing what I need and that’s part of my process)
Knowing what you need makes it easier, and even better is if you can articulate what are your needs.
Lastly, I need to acknowledge that just because I need something doesn’t mean that i’ll get it, so if that’s the case, how do I take care of myself if I don’t get something that I need? This is where self-care comes in, even though it feels to me like abandonment, but there’s no point in punishing myself further if I dont’ get what I need.
So, how can we help you cope with your feelings of abandonment? I want to support you, I’m sure others here as well, and I hope I’m asking the right questions and that they help you get some clarity about this.
My apologies if this is not helpful or is upsetting to you. I want to help, as so many others in here. I just offer this as food for thought in case it may help, if not, maybe file it away as it may be useful later.
(((((Esterio)))))
 
Hi PRFL


I’m a bit troubled when you say that “abandonment is just with me” I think we all deal with abandonment in our own ways
There was a reason I was so reluctant to make this post as it is taking the wrong direction. I did not mean I am the only one with abandonment what I meant is I realize it is my problem and don't expect others to change the way the are. I don't know what I need to get past this That is why I asked.
Sorry I can not articulate what I need. I know what I need to do is step away from chat. Sorry I will leave it at this for now.

Thanks for your comments. I know there are many that struggle with abandonment many have told that and it is why they stay away from chat.
Take Care
Esterio.
 
I feel rejection and abandonment here regularly. I’m starting to wonder what the point is and why I keep coming back...

I get a message, I’m like oh cool someone messaged me. Then it’s ‘please remove your post’... no salutation or how do you do...

It’s actually becoming detrimental.
 

PRFL

Registrant
Please accept my apologies. I was just concerned that it sounded to me that you were minimizing your own issues and was trying to convey that you are not alone, because your issues are just as important as everybody else’s.
As for the articulation thing, I know from personal experience it can be very frustrating as well, as I just failed to articulate well what i was trying to convey.
Be good to yourself, you deserve to be kind to yourself. We are here for you.
Take care.
 
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