Reliving old feelings/thoughts / No sleep lately

[andrew76]

***Possible Triggers*** Having problems with myself and reliving thoughts of what did I do to deserve what is being thrown at me to this day.I feel betrayed,manipulated,abused,broken trust,no communication,feeling completely alone,feeling not much more I feel like life is worth trying for and living for.

Life in and of it self for me is nothing but living moment to moment and day to day really have nothing to look forward to getting up for every day. Wife and I are still fighting and no communication which is sending things between the two of us even further down hill with no way of recovering I am so ready for a divorce but the therapist that we are going to is telling me to give him a shot and at least give it another 6 weeks of trying to help our marriage and to try to stop the physical violence on my wife's end toward me.

Meanwhile back on the other front my wife resents me for a lot of things and she feels like because of my health issues I have held her back from a better life and as she put it I have held her back from her "Dreams of having kids and a family and a normal life" on the other hand she tells me she wants to work things out with me and that she loves me but yet on the other hand the physical violence is not stopping but keeps escalating.I can't sleep and can't eat too much everything running a mile a minute lately especially since I was told I have to have another surgery.

I go in for surgery to take out my thyroid on the 22nd at 2:30pm at Orlando regional medical center.My thyroid is being removed due to nodules that may be cancerous that are already crushing vital structures in my neck being the most important my crotid artery and then as well it is causing me to have problems swallowing and recently problems breathing so I am being told I must have my thyroid removed no if and but or nors about it unless I want to die which I do at this point but for some other reason I know I must go thru with this surgery something that right now I don't completely understand.

I am feeling hurt,betrayed,manipulated by my wife and now by other people in my life to the point that I really don't want to talk about anything to anyone anymore but will ask them how they are doing and change the subject when it comes down to how i am doing,I really don't want to talk about how I am doing and what I am thinking as it is hitting me hard and is causing me to revert back to things I know to cope with cigars,booze,hardcore music and to revert inward into myself and let no one person in not even those around me that care about me but I feel like I can open up here without any condemnation or shunning for letting those know here how I ultimatley am feeling and thinking.

I feel so alone but yet at the same time I need to be alone to deal with whether or not I just want to completely let go and die and let my cancer take over and stop fighting what I feel is the inevitable that is so rapidly becoming the evitable in my own mind and heart.If I am going to go out I want to go out in peace and hopefully with little pain to feel anymore.

Things with my marriage are making me want to even more give up on and say the hell with nothing is worth me fighting and getting abused almost all the time because my wife does not know how to control herself when we fight and she does not know how to put things in the past she throws mistakes I have made in the past back into play which bothers me even worse and makes me even that much more like not wanting to care anymore.

Not trying to worry anyone but lately this is how I am feeling feeling less and less as a survivor and more and more like a person trapped on a ride from hell that isn't and won't stop including dreams when I do sleep the little that i get and lately feeling like starving myself so I don't add anything more unhealthy to my body that I can't control still drinking liquids until such times of clear definitive diagnosis is made then I will see where I stand then.I have tried to fight the good fight even when the chips were down and I had nothing left I kept going on borrowed chips well no more to borrow my nine lives is being recalled I wasn't good enough for the man upstairs to let me live in peace so he has to mess with my life this way way to go man upstairs keep up the work of screwing up my life.

Andrew where did you go wrong in your life sure as heck can't answer your question as of this time maybe more of a view later when I have had quite a bit more time to focus on where I have gone wrong and maybe then I can find a solution to help fix "ME" since no one else can fix me

I am really almost not wanting to make it out of surgery if I deside to go through with it at all.My mind I know may not be in the greatest mindset however,I am trying to let myself feel everything I need to in order to make a final decision as to where I want my life to go from here if it goes anywhere at all.I care for each one of my brothers here and I am not discounting those here that really do care and have been wishing the best for me but I am really at a major impass and I can't move through it can't move over it and can't move to the side of it either and everything I am doing is just not working anymore feeling like there is not another way or solution to work things out with my life and myself and my marriage.


Andrew=Cancer
CANCER=Andrew
Andrew=No forseeable way to win
Cancer=Kicking Andrews six with no way of coming back 1,000 to 1 odds stacked in Cancers favor.

 

[medicb4]

Originally posted by andrew76:
Having problems with myself and reliving thoughts of what did I do to deserve what is being thrown at me to this day.I feel betrayed,manipulated,abused,broken trust,no communication,feeling completely alone,feeling not much more I feel like life is worth trying for and living for.

There is not much I can say to eliminate the emotions you are feeling, but please know that you are in my thoughts and "prayers".

It is an exceedingly rare event when bad people have bad events in their lives. They seem to glaze through life...neither touching or being touched in a meaningful way.

Life in and of it self for me is nothing but living moment to moment and day to day really have nothing to look forward to getting up for every day.

Getting up for every day - that is something to look forwards to in and of itself.

give it another 6 weeks of trying to help our marriage and to try to stop the physical violence on my wife's end toward me.

Why is it that women living with an abusive partner are told to find a door ASAP but men are encouraged to tough it out?

I have held her back from her "Dreams of having kids and a family and a normal life" on the other hand she tells me she wants to work things out with me and that she loves me but yet on the other hand the physical violence is not stopping but keeps escalating.

I am reminded of Denis Leary's Stand up routine. You aren't satisfied with the way your life turned out? I wanted to be the starting Centerfielder on teh New York Yankees. Life sucks Get a Farkin Helmet.

The violence HAS TO STOP.

I feel like I can open up here without any condemnation or shunning for letting those know here how I ultimatley am feeling and thinking.

You can do that, but please don't trivially exclude your RL supports. You will have a long row to hoe and the valleys are deep. I have worked in postop Cancer wards...you will need support.

I need to be alone to deal with whether or not I just want to completely let go and die and let my cancer take over and stop fighting what I feel is the inevitable that is so rapidly becoming the evitable in my own mind and heart.

That is your descision. You must make it yourself, but you need not do it alone.

If I am going to go out I want to go out in peace and hopefully with little pain to feel anymore.

Amen.

Andrew=Cancer
CANCER=Andrew
Andrew=No forseeable way to win
Cancer=Kicking Andrews six with no way of coming back 1,000 to 1 odds stacked in Cancers favor.

But the payoff if you beat the cancer is pretty good don't you think?

Scott

 

[Ivanhoe]

Andrew,

Hang in if you can, I know that others will want to respond to you, as Scott has.
I know that there are some fairly good teams who work with cancer patients these days, attacking the disease on as many fronts as possible. I don't know what yours is like...your team...but I know that your day to day routine is of great concern in fighting back. Getting sleep, exercise, nutrition is of the utmost importance; I hope that you've got people helping you to get what you need in these areas of health.
I know that it can sound hollow for others, hundreds of miles away, to tell you to hang in there and keep up the good fight, when you would rather just not fight anymore.
If you can, check out some of the support groups that most cancer centers keep track of.
You're a good man, you've had enough to deal with. Find some good guys to hang with who will be able to lift your spirits and be there for you.
Keep us informed so we can keep in touch with you.

Strength and courage,

David

 

[Sinking]

Andrew - My heart goes out to you. The picture you paint reminds me of Maunch's painting the "Scream". Maybe a piercingly loud scream will help you to release some of the heaviness you must be feeling. It's worked for me in the past. You might alarm a few people, but so what?

I'm not sure I have any words of wisdom to help you through. But I do know that going it alone is difficult at best, impossible at worst. One of the things I've had to learn was to let others in to help me through. I too felt so all alone in this world for most of my life, despite my loving wife and daughter and siblings and in-laws and friends...I still felt completely alone. Now I realize I never really was, it was me who refused or was not able to let them in, that is, until I decided to let them. And I see now what blessings I was depriving myself of. Please find someone near you to let in, not everyone is inherently bad. Not everyone wants to hurt us.

Allowing 6 weeks of therapy to see if it works might not be a bad idea, but that does not mean you have to live with eachother during the 6 weeks. Women are as capable as men of violence. And men are as capable of being hurt as women are. There must be a service in your area that can help you. Or someone at the hospital. Or maybe even the therapist. If you can't find a service in your area I will be happy to help, just PM me. But you do not need to subject yourself to her violent outbursts anymore. It is damaging to you physically and psychologically. NO ONE....NO ONE should be allowed to get in the way of our healing and recovery.

You have a very full plate right now. If it is possible, try to pick one thing on that plate to concentrate on. We can't do it all at once. One thing at a time will help you set a pace. Once you find your pace, things will be easier to handle and will eventually begin to fall into place.

If you need an ear, please feel free to PM me. I'm a good listener and might even have something to offer. In the meantime - Peace - John

 

[TX_Space]

Andrew--
May God bless and keep you. I will be praying for you and your peace of mind, body and spirit. God is AMAZING. My only advice (and I realize I'm not in your shoes) is to look to Him. He will carry your burdens and give you peace...trust me, I know.

Peace be with you.
tx