relationships

[swartzhund]

I've noticed that most of us here are having or have had relationship problems associated with our pasts. I want to talk about some of mine and get some of your opinions.

I have 4 relationships with 4 amazing women. Three of them I ended up leaving after 2 or 3 years. I never looked deep enough at the time to learn the real reason for this until the last couple years. Each one of these "break ups" hurt like hell, I think they hurt me just as much or more than the 3 girls. So why did I do that? This is what I came up with: I didn't feel like I deserved to be loved and the pain of the break up was a way of self punishing. I was afraid of being so close with another person and the easiest way to avoid the closeness was to leave and start over. I remember telling each of them that they were wasting their time on me and that they deserved someone better.

The reason I'm trying to figure out where I went wrong is that I'm still with the 4th woman, actually we're married and expecting. A couple years ago I started feeling that old feeling that it might be time to get out and move on but I don't want to. I was lucky enough to marry my best friend and I want to make it work but I have withdrawn from her the last couple years and I think she just got tired of having to pry out what intimate conversation she could get from me.

It feels so good to finally be able to put these things to words, now hopefully I can find a way to be as open in the real world as I am here. Thanks for any thoughts you can add.

 

[Mike Church]

Btian I know what you are talking about.

For me it was a self fullfilling prophecy. I am no good and dont deserve good things happening to me or good relationships. When they did happen I realized that I did not deserve them and set about destroying them. When I did it confirmed that I was worthless and did not deserve good things. Totally screwed up but that was me.

You said:

I didn't feel like I deserved to be loved and the pain of the break up was a way of self punishing. I was afraid of being so close with another person and the easiest way to avoid the closeness was to leave and start over. I remember telling each of them that they were wasting their time on me and that they deserved someone better.

See self fullfilling prophecy.

Now you dont want it to happen again. Brother that is an important step. You are worthy and do deserve a good relationship and you are going to make it happen.

Have you ever thought of discussing this with your wife (best friend) to show that you recognize what is going on.

She loves you Brian not for what happened to you but for who you are right now. Even if you hide your feelings. Well start unhiding them. Let her in. I know it is a terrifying thought but you gotta trust brother.