Relationships - not the right time yet?

Relationships - not the right time yet?
C

crisispoint

Registrant
Well, it was too good to last. After my crazy work schedule and general lack of emotional energy got in the way, another potential LTR has fallen by the wayside.

I wish I could say I'm sadder than I am about it, or regret it more. I do, but I'm surprised, in a bad way, about how little I actually regret it. I do regret hurting this person. He's wonderful and everything, but he requires a lot of time and emotional energy and I really don't have the resources for that just now.

And there's the other guy in my life. Mr. Distant. But, hey, he's manageable and there are times when he's able to reach over his OWN issues, so he's a great friend, with possibilities for more, but I live with that from moment to moment.

SO, while I know I'm worthwhile and worthy for other people, I just keep screwing it up, and I really don't know if I'm ready for an intimate relationship now. I want one, but I don't seem to be able to COMMIT to one, or even consider it worthwhile to WORK at one. I don't know.

Just rambling. Tired. The insomnia is flagging a little, but I'm just dozing longer. Any thoughts on this? Please feel free to post or PM me. Normally, this is an unsaid, but I'm looking for as wide a variety of thoughts, if any, as possible.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
The first thing that popped into my head was a line from a Del Amitri song: "I'm amazed by the lack of memories I thought would flow through me"

Scot, I can fully identify with what you're feeling, and where you are with this. I offer my opinion, but please note that it's just that; an opinion from someone that doesn't know you, but one that can sense the similarity in actions in regards to relationships.

First of all, I thinks it's a VERY good thing that you feel some sort of regret for hurting your partner. For many, many years, my sense of relationships was literally a switch; at one moment, the switch is up, on, and I am so readily available for whatever the relationship might bring. But, inevitably, the switch flips, and I simply walk away, never looking back, never again wanting what I just had, and what I just thought was so terribly important.

I've surmised it as such: If there is no real pain, no sense of loss, and the typical baggage/issues that come when a seemingly good relationship ends, then well, it implies that I was never really present in the first place. Metaphorically a vampire, I have had a tendency to get involved with people that can offer me something that is missing, something that I need, but at the same time, my sense of self prevents me from ever getting close enough to another being to actually be hurt by the ending of the relationship. It seems as if it's self-sabotage; if I expect it to eventually fail, and am not really hurt when it fails, I also get the benefit of realizing that I was right - it DID fail, so I was wise to protect myself until that happened.

The downside? I was never real, honest, and open enough for there to have been any chance of success. So, I get what I expected, but how could I ever expect a different result if I prevented what was required for a relationship to succeed?

The fact that you sense regret is a positive step. I finally reached a point where guilt (real, valid guilt) reared its ugly head; I had hurt a wonderful, gentle, sweet, giving woman that didn't deserve the cold dismissal that she received from me. It's a good step; you're realizing the impact of your actions upon others. For my own self, I've sworn off relationships until I can figure more of this stuff out; I know I'm f&&ked up, but I don't deserve to hurt anyone else just to make me feel better in some way. You have to realize your own self worth, and what you have to offer. Couple that with finding a person that truly clicks with you and a being that you want to wholeheartedly TRY with, and then, and perhaps only then, will you be ready to give what is required of you.

We have a tendency to think others want something from us, as is our conditioning, but you also need to be in a place where you feel you actually have value to give to your partner.

Maybe this was more for my own self explanation than yours, but that's what I think...
 
Sean,

Letting someone go does make you sad and regretful for hurting them. A relationship takes a lot of energy on both sides to work, I doesn't sound that you had either. You need to keep the energy and resources you need to keep yourself together and moving forward. It sounds like you did just that. That is a good sign, in my eyes. You placed your well-being at the top of the list and let him go when you realized you didn't have enough left to give to him. That is taking care of yourself and easier on him too.

A relationship is fun for both persons. If you were giving more than you had to give, then it wasn't fun for you. You did good moving on, taking care of yourself, and being decent about it.

You still have a great friend with Mr. Distant.

Relationships are a lot of work, to meet that you need to commit to that, and stick with that commitment. But don't forget to look around and check once and awhile - Is this the relationship I want?, Is this the relationship I need?, or Is this relationship healthy for me? As far as are you ready for a relationship, that is up to you to determine. It seems that you may fear a committed relationship a little and you are sabatoging them. What are you afraid of? Why are you afraid of that? Can it be overcome? Do you want to/are you willing to overcome it? Answer these few questions and you'll be closer to knowing if you are ready for a relationship.

I personally want a relationship. I also know that I am not ready. Have a lot of anger to release and trust to build first. I'm not there yet. I know my fears, I know why I have them, they can be overcome, and I am working on overcoming them. Then I will be ready to enter the field of eligible bachelors. It was so much easier being married and neglected. I also know what I don't want in a relationship - neglect, lack of trust, abusive behavior, excessive use of alcohol, the use of drugs, and several more. When I see one of them showing that it will be part of the relationship, the exit is right there.

Your doing good Sean, hang in there and keep moving forward.

Bill
 
Scot,
I want one, but I don't seem to be able to COMMIT to one, or even consider it worthwhile to WORK at one. I don't know.
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You don't have to know. There's no law that says any of us have to be in a committed relationship that we know is right for us. They are work, and at any given time there are only so many things we can work on. Maybe these feelings that you're not ready right at this moment only mean that you're not ready right at this moment. (They don't call me "Profound outis" for nothin', ya know. Oh, wait a minute, they don't call me that. :D )

Seriously, Theories' answer has a lot of good sense in it. Just the recognition of how you can influence the life of another, the realization that you don't feel the desire to work on a relationship at this present time should probably give you reason to feel good about yourself and your knowledge of who you are.


Theories,
Maybe this was more for my own self explanation than yours
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All my posts are like that. Even if I don't realize or believe it when I write it.

Thanks,

Joe
 
you'll know when the right time is...if there ever will be..

havin freedom...is a great choice.

stay happy...

after my last divorce, it's just my son and me---my work, my work outs....hours suck. so why hassle with a LTR. me.

my girlfriend, aka "the dominator"...her 04 motto is, "it's all about me".. she is sweet and controlling. "the dominator".

i feel there is alot of strong truth and logic with that motto.

good or bad, who cares. if it works for you, great. if not, fine.

stay strong above all else. :cool:
 
that's good..28 days. good advice, thanks.

gonna rush to the animal shelter; move a few trees around my yard....take my time.

talked to my 'dominater', ms. latina yesterday,....click......click...

& my ex wife asked me to buy her a new car too :cool: ...click...

freedom is good..
 
Scot,
while I know I'm worthwhile and worthy
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No truer statement has been or can be made about what kind of person you are. You are a great man. Dont forget it. Take time for yourself and the rest will fall into place.
James
 
Hey Scot - There is a big difference between what we want and what we're ready for. When what we want becomes what we need and are ready to work toward meeting the need...is when we're ready. Patience until then. I may want a drink because I'm a little thirsty BUT I can appreciate that drink more when I'm sweaty after a great workout..boy do I need a drink then!!!

Howard
 
Originally posted by crisispoint:



SO, while I know I'm worthwhile and worthy for other people, I just keep screwing it up
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Scot, look what you do to yourself! In one sentence, you compliment yourself, and take it away again! I suppose that is maybe healthier then not being able to compliment yourself at all, but still!

I'm sorry that another relationship 'got away', but truly, I think that if it is one meant to be, it will not get away of you so easily. The pet and plant advice is rather amusing, but good! (My dog loves me and my plants are alive right now). I am in a relationship right now, with someone I have known for, wow, almost 7 years I think? She is very patient with me, which she would have to be, and we have been through much together in our time as friends. Prior to that, I had had one disaster relationship, if you can call it that, in my life. It has taken time, and it has been worth it, the wait.

Scot, at some time, you will meet someone fully understanding and worthy of YOU, which is what you deserve most to base your relations on. For now, enjoy and invest in your relationship with yourself. That is most what you deserve.

Leosha
 
I know that I definitely feel very similar.
I was in a relationship for about 9 months. When it ended I didnt really care and I didnt know why. I wish that I had been more connected and closer to her but I wasnt. Right now I am talking to this really amazing girl and shes really kind, and christian, and really knows how to take care of me, she is beautiful. I am so scared because a part of me thinks that she could be someone that I could really love, but then again maybe I am just experiencing that first sensation that you have when you go out with someone. It was a similar feeling that I had with the other girl. I hope this one is different.

I know that one of my biggest problems in my last relationship was that we had sex really fast. AFter that, I found it really easy to push her a way because I did not have a strong base to place out relationship and no friendship. So there were certain physical things that I focused on and used as a way to push her away--oh shes too fat, oh her face is too this, her butt is too that, etc. After a while I just didnt care anymore.

I dont want to do that this time around and I pray to God that I can really establish a friendship with her so that I can really be in love with someone again. I want to feel that connection. I want it again so bad. I hope that I do not allow the work of Satan to take over my mind and allow me to push her away. I care about her and I want to be in love with her, madly in love with her. She is soo good for me and I want to open my heart to her--I dont want to get hurt.
I hope I can-

Sorry for the long post,
Love you brothers,
peace
One Day
 
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