Relationship with your perp (within family)

Relationship with your perp (within family)
B

blockade

Registrant
I'm just wondering what hope I have of having a healthy future relationship with my brother really. I haven't seen my abuser since I was a kid so that's no longer an issue. However I did act out things on my brother, so I am his perp really.
Has anybody been able to get on with their perp in one way or another? Have you been able to forgive a family member or is it just not possible to fully do?
 
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I'm really glad to hear that Rich. It's good to know there is hope my brother and I can have a good relationship too. Thanks for the response.
 
blockade -

i am not the best one to speak to this, but will add what i can.

i had a friend whose older brothers were early perps. he desperately wanted to have a good relationship with them based upon truth. he wished more than anything that they had admitted the wrong they had done him, the hurt they had caused, and to have them ask for forgiveness. he would have responded positively.

of course, no one but your brother can say how he feels and how he would respond to your attempt at reconciliation. however, it may be that you need to apologize and express your regret to him, regardless of the outcome, for the sake of your own peace of mind. then it will be up to him whether he responds as you hope.

i encourage you to try and hope for the best. it could be a step of healing for both of you.

lee
 
My older brother was one my perps. He does not think there is anything to ask forgiveness for. He believes it is natural for one individual who experienced some csa is normal to do that to others.

When I was making my 9th step amends (in a 12 step program) I offered to try to make anything right that he felt HI had done wrong. He indicated that I needed to appologize for ejaculating on his belly when he was 8 years old. I explained to him that I was precocious, but I was only.10. It was my older brother who had done that to him. My brother would have forgiven me. But I don't know how he would have responded to the oldest brother. Since he never appologized or asked for forgiveness it is a moot point.

So that is my experience on this subject. If you are unwilling to accept your error and that it was a violation of your brother,
There will be no forgiveness. If you are willin g, you will probably find forgiveness.

Best of luck
 
My older brother was my perp, and we have an ok relationship. I see him at family gatherings but I don't proactively seek him out. It may be a bit different because I have not confronted him and at the current time don't plan to.
 
I reconnected with my dad, even though we never talked about the abuse. He just seemed to change - maybe therapy or medication, I don't know. Also the abuse wasn't as invasive as others have experienced. We actually talk fairly often now.
 
Thanks for the responses, they really do help to figure things out. I know it's going to be hard to right my wrongs but I just hope I can portray that I'm truly sorry to my brother.. I just wish I could do more
 
Blockade,
I have two elder brothers. One denies he ever saw my father do anything suspicious as he recounts story after story of classic signs that my sister and I were being molested by our father.

My second eldest brother laughs about it to this day and finds it hilarious that we were restrained, tortured, and assaulted.

All that to say....
I wish you were my brother. With a heart like yours, I am sure your brother will find compassion in his heart for you.
 
Good topic blockade!

When i just realized what had happened to me, i talked with my parents and next thing i know we confronted my brother (perp). Only later did i find out that this is something to do while in healing process, but i guess nothing is normal with csa.

What i can tell from my point of view is the following:
- my brother never said he was sorry or talked about it and taking responsiblity for what had happened
- i will probably never hear this from him and i'm starting to learn and accept this (albeit with an open mind, cause you never know what will happen)
- i have more problems with him than he has with me. He seems to be quite relaxed in dealing with me and is always open and joyful in conversations towards me
- i developed quite deep narcissistic tendencies (probably not limited to the abuse), which mean i have to do a lot of work regardless of the abuse
- i am in the proces of forgiving him, not just because i want to but also because i feel it will help me heal
- and the last thing i'd like to share is that in a way i have to take responsibility. Not to say that i created the abuse. But it is my responsibility to deal with all the defensive mechanism i developed to cope with the abuse. And it's very important to be open and honest to myself, without judging or condemning myself.

You're in a slightly different situation. Just be open and honest with your brother. You can only do your bit, your brother has to do his own work however hard that may sound. In time he'll may understand your position too. And try not to be too hard on yourself in the mean time. You got exposed to stuff you shouldn't have been exposed to!

Take care!
 
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OCN said:
Just be open and honest with your brother. You can only do your bit, your brother has to do his own work however hard that may sound. In time he'll may understand your position too. And try not to be too hard on yourself in the mean time. You got exposed to stuff you shouldn't have been exposed to!
Click to expand...

I second OCN's reply. As they say, "Step out to find out." The only step toward forgiveness is to ask for it.
 
Thank you for the responses, they all make a lot of sense. I do want to apologize as soon as possible but if the memories haven't surfaced for him I don't feel it is my place to bring them back up.. on the other hand I'm gonna be on edge until then.
 
You might want to ask a professional/someone here who has gone through this to see what would be a good thing to do in this situation. I can understand you don't want to force memories on your brother!
 
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