Relationship with Parents when Molested by Family Friend

[unk99]

I disclosed to my parents I was molested 13 years ago, and I feel as though there's been a wedge in our relationship since. I was molested by the son of one of my mom's friends over about 8 months, as best as I can tell. My siblings are supportive, though I don't bring it up much. I've been able to talk more frankly with my brother about how we were raised, how that made me vulnerable, how I never was in a safe spot to disclose my same-sex attraction growing up, and all that. It's been good.

I have been able to bring up with my parents a couple times what happened and talk about it, but they don't really know what to say. I understand that, I suspect they feel like failures because they failed to protect me, recognize what was going on, and they didn't get me the help I needed earlier. They know I've been on a journey.

I want a relationship with them. I feel like my dad was mostly distant in my childhood, so I was vulnerable and didn't know who to go to for help to understand my own masculinity. When I was able to talk to him for a little bit about it, he said that he is deeply concerned because someone hurt his little boy. He's never talked like that to me before, and I really appreciated it.

I don't know how to open the door to a better relationship with them. I'm on the other side of the world from them, and I think this is something that has to happen in person. But how do I even bring it up? I have no idea what to do to try and establish that relationship. I don't blame them for what happened, a lot of it was I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. And I'm not interested in bringing up where they did fail. Part of that is I know many others' parents failed them so, so much more than mine did - my parents were generally ok. But also it would inflict a lot of pain and for no good.

I'm still confused and not sure where to go or how to get started.

 

[bluesteel]

I’ve made the decision to not tell my mom. I really want to and need to in many ways because there is a wedge in our relationship and there has been for years and I also need the support and love right now, but I have to always remember that my mom is unwell.

It’s hard to grow a relationship with that wedge since you already told them and your dad wasn’t around much (same) but they’re your parents so there is something there.

I would say just stop mentioning it, if you haven’t already. They may be unsure if you’re going to bring it up again. You also may want to be more present in their life, which I know is hard. You have kids so maybe use updating them on the kids lives as a way to get back in, I can’t imagine they’d resist hearing about their grandkids

 

[dcwofhs90]

I also chose to not tell my parents...and I never will. First, they would blame themselves. I think it still could've happened if they were around more. Also, they would blame me being gay because I was molested by a man. They've never been too thrilled with having a gay son and this would just be an "out" for them. So, they'll never know!

 

[unk99]

I think part of my concern is if they are busy blaming themselves and feeling guilty, I want to assuage that. It's not just the, I'm taking this burden on myself, but rather I want to assure them I don't blame them and I don't think they're at fault. Maybe asking one of my siblings who has a closer relationship can help me figure out if that's going on and if I should bring it up to address that?

 

[Georgie]

It may take time for them to process. It is not something parents are happy to here. There also may be some problem they have because you are a male victim. Certainly, when your parents were growing up, and even now, our society generally thinks differently when it's a boy versus a girl.

 

[LittleSteve]

I only have my mother left and she was diagnosed with dementia about a year ago so no, I have no intention. I’m telling her. Even if she didn’t, I wouldn’t tell her because she would only blame herself, and my father was gone Monday through Friday for his job when it happened. It wouldn’t have helped anyway mine wasn’t a typical molestation. I was taken by the head of a pedophile Ring these people were pros.

 

[GaD3!]

I have been able to bring up with my parents a couple times what happened and talk about it, but they don't really know what to say. I understand that, I suspect they feel like failures because they failed to protect me, recognize what was going on, and they didn't get me the help I needed earlier.

I have kids around your age, I did the best I knew how at the time I was raising my children, but I have regrets and wish I had done some things differently. From what you state it is the same for them. It is good that you have been able to talk to them about this to the extent that you have. It is not easy for anyone when someone discloses that they were sexually abused, let alone for a parent, so it will take time and further conversation for them to process and deal with this. Again it is good that you have started the process.

I want a relationship with them. I feel like my dad was mostly distant in my childhood, so I was vulnerable and didn't know who to go to for help to understand my own masculinity. When I was able to talk to him for a little bit about it, he said that he is deeply concerned because someone hurt his little boy. He's never talked like that to me before, and I really appreciated it.

I understand the situation with your father, it was the same with my father. That is a very powerful response on his part and something you needed to hear.

I don't know how to open the door to a better relationship with them. I'm on the other side of the world from them, and I think this is something that has to happen in person. But how do I even bring it up? I have no idea what to do to try and establish that relationship. I don't blame them for what happened, a lot of it was I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. And I'm not interested in bringing up where they did fail.

You may want to talk to your brother about this. He may be able to provide some help or insight. If you can't do this in person and if you feel safe in openly sharing your feelings writing them a letter and telling them what you have stated here may be an option. That you want a closer relationship with them, that you don't blame them. etc.. Obviously you love your parents- tell them that too, they would need that reassurance. When one writes things out there is the opportunity to carefully choose the words they want to use. This suggestion may not work for you, but just a thought.

You obviously have a good heart and it is in the right place. You are doing the right thing. Take good care.

 

[unk99]

I have kids around your age, I did the best I knew how at the time I was raising my children, but I have regrets and wish I had done some things differently. From what you state it is the same for them. It is good that you have been able to talk to them about this to the extent that you have. It is not easy for anyone when someone discloses that they were sexually abused, let alone for a parent, so it will take time and further conversation for them to process and deal with this. Again it is good that you have started the process.


I understand the situation with your father, it was the same with my father. That is a very powerful response on his part and something you needed to hear.

You may want to talk to your brother about this. He may be able to provide some help or insight. If you can't do this in person and if you feel safe in openly sharing your feelings writing them a letter and telling them what you have stated here may be an option. That you want a closer relationship with them, that you don't blame them. etc.. Obviously you love your parents- tell them that too, they would need that reassurance. When one writes things out there is the opportunity to carefully choose the words they want to use. This suggestion may not work for you, but just a thought.

You obviously have a good heart and it is in the right place. You are doing the right thing. Take good care.

I appreciate your reply. I'm processing it still, but I think this will be really helpful.