relationship troubles

[scarman]

Hey guys, I'm new here so give me some slack if I don't get things right. I've been in 3 serious relationships that have all failed. Most recently, we still live together, until the house sells,(finacially we can't split till then). We get along ok, but it has been dragging on for 3 months now. She has already started seeing someone,(this was part of the problem of us splitting up)but is keeping it comfortably far enough away from me,(at my request) . I have someone who is interested in me, but I don't want to screw things up with her. I'm concerned that if I overanalize things I may be missing out on someone who is very special. Mainly, I don't want to rush into anything just because I may "need" to be with someone because I don't want to be alone. Do any of you feel like your past abuse has affected you in similar ways? I'm 34 yrs old and all I want is to have a secure family. All my friends tell me that I'm a great guy, so, I think I deserve this. ANy input from someone will help. Thanks in advance

 

[RICK57]

Scarman - we cannot tell you what to do in this situation, you know what you feel and must decide for yourself. All I ask is have you bounced from relationship to relationship just so that you are with someone, or have they been people that you really wanted to be with (your own concerns indicate that you must have someone with you regardless - or am I picking this up wrong). The person that is interested in you might appreciate your situation if you try discussing it with her (if you don't discuss it you may never know). Would she be prepared to take things slowly and give you time to adjust.

Has abuse affected me in similar ways? One word...Yes!

Whatever you decide I wish you the best... Rik

 

[Mike Church]

Scarman:

When I was beaten as a child and abused at 16-17 and hustled from 17-21 I had absolutely no self respect or sense of self worth. I knew that nobody could love or like me because of my past. Whenever it started to happen I pushed those people away; especially those that loved me. I have luckily been married for 36 years to a wonderful woman and am now 63. For years I made Nicole's life hell trying to drive her away.
I have now acquired self respect and am much more relaxed in my relationships. But I first had to gain my own self respect because I would self destruct relationships. Hope this helps

And welcome to our home. I am sorry for what has brought you here but am glad that you found us. You will never find judgement here only caring and a whole lot of really great brothers on the same journey. So post, listen and walk with us.

 

[scarman]

to rick and Mike, thanks for your input. I don't feel like I've always been bouncing from one to another, each woman I've been with has had their own messed up personality,( drugs, stripping, lieing, etc). I've known this girl for awhile,( 7yrs ago we went to school together) and we've always clicked well. I'll take your advice and let her know my concerns. She knows about my abuse and is ok with it. She thinks I'm strong for coming forward. I've recently gone public with it and the news seems to be going well with all the people I've come across. I will keep in touch with my new contacts here at MS. I'm really glad to have found this site. Thanks everyone for being here. I hope I can help someone when needed. cya

 

[phoster]

I have feared this very thing. Did I got from divorce to my wife out of fear of being alone? Is my relationship healthy, or merely to keep from being alone? First, there is no harm in dating. Go and enjoy yourself again. I found it was a good way of filling my life up. BUT, do get into anything remotely serious until you have had time to heal. If I had it to do over, I would have waited longer to get into anything. I mean to go out on a date or two is one thing, to start seeing someone steady before you have put your feelings in line is to beg for a disaster. IMHO.

When my ex left, I took four months just to myself, but I hindsight, it wasnt enough. I went into another relationship carrying my past feelings, and it has caused me problems along the way. we are coming out of them now, but it wasnt easy. those unresolved issues could have destroyed us very easily.