Relationship Polarity

[mickie]

I have no idea where I stand -- I get push me, pull you. I have been the good emotional "wife." As well as being funny, caring and just a good friend. Can S.A. take that? I mean what constitutes "normative" polarity when one is seeing a survivor. How do you pull away for your own santity and, damn to make a point about being taken for granted without seeming like you are abandoning? Then again, does he even notice that?

 

[beautifuldisaster]

Hi M,
I am no expert...but I do hear you! There are times I feel like we are swinging from one extreme to the other. Right now things are very calm and settled for us, but to me it almost seems episodic. He is extremely busy right now with work and training. He is an extremist with work...which I have read is typical. Our problems come when there is too much time on his hands, because that would be the time we are closer and intimacy comes into play. Our greatest problems rotate around that word INTIMATE. This is the time for us when the POLARITY comes into play. If you stand back and evaluate your situation, you should be able to see patterns. That is something that has really helped us out as a couple. I have worked to pinpoint and have come to know when to expect certain things...that way I am not blindsided and hurt and can better react. And when we address these issues it helps us both to know what what might be TRIGGERING the behavior.
I feel breaking things down helps you avoid feeling like ALICE FALLING DOWN THE WELL.

remember:

SITUATION (what you cant control)
+
REACTION (what you CAN control)
------------
OUTCOME

GOOD LUCK!

 

[SAR]

Hi mickie,

Have you asked him where you stand?

In my opinion, if you are "pulling away to make a point" then you are not really pulling away. You are just torturing yourself by being just as involved, but at a greater distance.

If you want to separate, and you can, and you feel it is best for you, do it, for yourself, and forget about there being a point. If you know this will not work for you, don't be dishonest to yourself or to him by denying him something that YOU want.

 

[Lloydy]

Mickie

How do you pull away for your own santity and, damn to make a point about being taken for granted without seeming like you are abandoning? Then again, does he even notice that?

You have to 'just do it'.

Your sanity is the most important thing in your world, and if you are in a relationship then it's the second most important thing in his world.

That might sound brutal, but what good will you be to yourself, him, and the rest of the people around you if you collapse under the strain?

We do notice, well I like to think I noticed when my wife was having difficulty with me. But I know that I didn't always respond to that knowledge, certainly not to her.
I was being selfish, not in an uncaring way, but selfish in the respect that I was using my resources for my benefit, because at the time I needed them.
Which is something I learned to tell my wife, "look after yourself, I can barely cope with myself right now".

Now I can repay that care, love and support, and it's debt I'll never be able to repay fully.

Dave

 

[Savannah]

This is such a hard place to be...

My husband is constantly wanting me to be there for him, but not so close that he feels responsible for me and my feelings. It does hurt when he pushes me away or runs in the other direction. But when I'm strong, I can usually see that it's his only option. If I hurt him or cross the boundaries he's set up, he only has the "flight" option available to him. Since my response is always "fight", we get stuck.

I've recently asked him for a break so that I could regain my sanity. I struggled with asking for so long because I thought it would injure him and push him further away. But believe it or not, I feel like a new person and this new person is someone he wants to be around. So we both benefit from my newfound calmness and strength.

If you can get to that place where you know what YOU want, ask for it and do it. You'll feel better about yourself!

 

[mickie]

Wow-thank you for such thought insight and honest feedback. I do need to sit with this for and ponder who I am in the relationship and who I want to be in the relationship. My santity is very important at the moment because I have other stressors in my life. There is always spring....