Relationship advice

moment_of_depth

New Registrant
I guess this is where I should post this.

So some good news for me, I’ve started talking to my ex again. I don’t know if she’ll give me a second chance or not and I still don’t have the answers for her, but at least it’s a step in the right direction. For the sake of less confusion, let’s call my ex Ami for this conversation.

After talking to her, Ami told me one of the reasons she left is because she feels I’m not over the one who abused me; that I still have feelings for her. On the surface that’s insane to hear Ami say. For all the things that woman did to me, I never want to see or hear from her again. If anything, I would feel wrath or malice toward her, if I can feel anything at all. But the more I try to think about it, the more I want to distract myself and end up remembering the good time; I almost end up wanting to defend her actions again and I’m just left confused on how to feel before numbing out and end up not being able to feel anything at all.

I don’t want her anymore. I don’t want her in my head. I don’t want her in my dreams. I just want someone to make the thoughts of her go away.

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I want someone who I can just be near without being judged or hurt. I want to trust someone not to hurt me, not to know how I can stop them. I just want to love someone even if I can never hold them or let them touch me I just want to be with someone again.

How do I move on from this? I hear the voice of doubt saying it would be easier to just give up and die alone, but I still love Ami. How do I get to the point where I don’t feel anything for the woman who abused me? How can I truly say that I am over her?
 
Here with you. It was brave of you to post, and many of us can relate. I can. I escaped from a domestic violence relationship, so I understand.

Those are all good questions. Do you have anyone you can talk to about them? A therapist or close friend?
 

moment_of_depth

New Registrant
Not really. I have a therapist, but I don’t really “click” with him amongst other things. I’ve wanted to try and find someone different but he’s the only one provided through work and with quarantine going on its only made it that much harder.
 
Yeah, it sounds like you need a qualified trauma therapist who can help you make sense of what happened to you. It sucks that it's unobtainable right now. But a lot of folks are in the same boat as you during this mess.

The good news is that you found this place. You can work through stuff here. No one's going to judge you, and other folks can listen and help when they can. Just by writing what you already have, you've started your journey to wellness. I can't promise you'll get Ami back. But if it matters, you can at least tell her you've started the process of untangling your very complicated feelings towards your abusive ex.
 
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