Rejection

[Cecilia]

My husband is rejecting me. He asked for a copy of our marriage certificate. I wonder if he is putting a divorce in place. I feel totally numb. He's coming over to get his things out of our apartment. This is some of a letter I wrote to him

"I have written so many notes, letters and emails to you over the course of our marriage. With each one, I feel like I am trying to win a battle that I just cannot bear to lose. It will devastate me to lose you, if that is what happens, as I have put all of myself into loving you and into trying to allow our marriage to grow. I will go the distance for you, I will do whatever it takes emotionally, physically, financially and psychologically to be your wife, partner and friend.

What I will not do is give up myself or my freedom to be a human being at peace with the world. . . ."

And I went on and on from there. I was going to put the whole letter up, but I don't think that's right. I just wish I had someone who could see inside our marriage and tell me I am doing the most loving thing. That is all I want. To truly be doing what is best for myself, my husband and my children. I never thought I was going to lose my husband. I have always believed that he would be a hero and come around in the end. Maybe he will, but right now it doesn't seem as if he is doing that. Right now it feels like he is willfully sacrificing our family in order to avoid himself. I wish he could reach out to someone. All he has known to do is reach out for me and I have tried to be all that he has needed. I can't do it anymore.

Cecilia

 

[kishka06]

Hi Cecilia,
I just accidentally deleted what I was writing to you! But, I will try to remember it all.
First of all, please stop punishing yourself about what you have done to make it work, and what you are willing to do. Making it work takes 2, and he is obviously unwilling at this point.

He has said hurtful things to you in the past, perhaps asking for the marriage certificate is another way to hurt you. Call his bluff and give it to him. If he truly wants a divorce, you are not going to prevent it by not providing him with it.

The most loving thing you can do for your family right now (beyond taking care of yourself) is be a positive example to your kids. Right now, they see you putting up a good fight for the man you love, and wanting to help someone through hurt and pain. Be careful what they see beyond that. Remember, you are their role model.

Maybe distance is what you need right now. I am not sure how long he has left in the past (and if this is the first time he has taken his things), but this may be a positive thing. It will allow both of you to have some time to think.

I (think) I know how you are feeling. It seems your posts could have been written by me. I want to make him see what he is doing - to me, to himself, what he is giving up (I am not sure if we are even still together. He won't return my calls, and I think he broke up with me in an email accusing me of cheating on him). You will know when you have gotten to a point where you have to move on. I hope things work themselves out before that. But, please, stop beating yourself up for things that he is doing to you. You have done everything you can to show you love him, and want to support him.

Be good to you.
Kishka

 

[beccy]

Hi Cecilia,

I think Kishka was right there to say stop beating yourself up about if you've done the right things or not. It really has sounded to me like you've tried and tried and tried....

The post you wrote before this one sounded very much like you were feeling very down on yourself for feeling so down....I totally relate to that. It's like a double negative. I'm sorry I didn't get the time to reply to that post. I just wanted to say, I don't think it's wrong to be so consumed by your own feelings right now. Your husband has behaved in a very hurtful way to you and those feelings are a natural reaction. Just this week I realised that some of my own hurt feelings have seemed to prevent me from sometimes having what might be a more 'freeing' response to my bf when he's been mean to me. I have put this down to my own history. What I mean is that where I could have even realised my anger in a given situation with bf, then maybe expressed it, instead I 'froze' and kind of got stuck in a hole. Then that continued for another day..during which time I felt completely depressed, only just functioning, and critisising myself for that also! When I realised there was actually a really valid reason for feeling so down and that at the time, I didn't realise I was right to be angry/hurt by what my bf has said, I thought, well, I'm ok then! And maybe next time I will be able to realise/express my anger and therefor allow myself my feelings. And at the same time, forgive myself for my dysfunctional behaviours throughout our relationship. Firstly because they were behaviours I learned in childhood, and therefore not my fault. And secondly, because the FEELINGS BEHIND those behaviours have probably mostly been very valid. There has been much meanness from my bf and so much emotionally lacking in our relationship. Most of which I didn't even seem to realise I not only needed, but was also entitled to as part of a whole and loving relationship.

Don't know if any of that will be of any use to you, but just wanted to share it.

Take care Cecilia,


Peace
Beccy

 

[indygal]

I never thought I was going to lose my husband. I have always believed that he would be a hero and come around in the end.

cecilia,

this sounds so much like what i was feeling a few weeks ago, but what seems like an eternity in what's taken place since then. i always thought my bf and i could talk about anything at all and that no matter what, we'd always be friends. i never ever expected the kind of fury he expressed when i asked him about csa; to be shut out so utterly and completely, it was so awful, so incomprehensible to me.

all i could ask is if it wasn't true then why make such a big deal and if it was, why again, such a commotion against talking about it? oh my, what ignorance i rested in then.

my bf, too, was my hero, i told him so more than once and each time it was like he shuddered with the thought as if it was something bad? only now can i even begin to comprehend why this bothered him so much, not to mention now looking back i don't think he believed me at all. i even jokingly asked him once how did that make him feel to be my hero and he answered glumly "it's a lot of responsibility."

and as for 'coming around in the end' - for at least the past year i'd said several times how he'd always managed to surprise me when things were difficult between us.

Cecilia, the reason i'm saying this is because so many of us share so much in so many ways and from that we must take not just comfort, but strength in knowing and understanding that we must stay strong, firm and demand respect from these survivors if we truly do want them to be ok and our relationships to survive also.

maybe because if we don't, then they feel responsible and convinced it was their fault and what's worth fighting for if they can't do anything right? maybe? i don't know, am not a T or expert, but i do know they need to understand we are worth fighting for and maybe sometimes the only way to show that is to let him go his own way and take charge of our own lives.

it's incredibly difficult, i know, and it hurts like absolute HELL but honey, it hurts more, in the long run, to stay in a dysfunctional relationship. he won't get better, you'll be miserable and in the long run, what kind of marriage is that? maybe you'll lose him anyway?

i'm so sorry for your pain. it will get better, i promise, it will. be strong, be firm, be resolute. remember the good parts and take faith in being positive. you aren't alone, we are all with you.

all the best,
indy

 

[SAR]

Cecilia,

You are doing the most loving thing you can do, and I think that you know it and just need reminding.

You couldn't ever be all that he needs, no one can. He is going to have to acknowledge those deep losses and figure out how to fill them on his own. By trying to be everything to him, you would be running yourself into the ground AND keeping him from having to look into himself and meet his own needs. That's why he's lashing out and trying to hurt you, because having to figure out what you're missing and what you need to do to care for yourself is hard, and scary, and there's probably part of him that doesn't want to do it.

Be gentle to yourself.

SAR

 

[Savannah]

Cecilia,

I don't post here often, but I feel compelled to do so now.

You and I seem to be in the same place. I tried for 2 years to help my husband and he pushed me away every step of the way. After all the hurt, rejection and self-loathing I have felt, I've finally decided that he is not the partner I married. He's still a wonderful person, it's just that he doesn't want to be the husband I want or need.

I've recently come to the conclusion I deserve more. I made several new friends in the past few months that care about me and I've been able to let go of the marriage. It's the toughest thing I've ever done... I still cry, but the tears are for the loss of our innocence, not the loss of the man. He didn't reject me, he rejected himself and his life. I was just a piece of that life.

So, take care of yourself and your children. You will find peace and happiness, I promise. In the meantime, surround yourself with the things in life that make you the wonderful person you are: friends, family, work, hobbies...

Good luck!

 

[outis]

Cecelia,

My ex-wife is a victim (not a survivor, but very much still a victim) of horrible emotional abuse, abandonment, by both of her parents. I struggled with my own recovery and the attempt to hold our marriage and family together for years. She was repeatedly unfaithful, and when it all blew up two years ago this month, she and the marriage counselor agreed in front of me that she had never really worked at the marriage.

Some people are so frightened by any threat of healthy authenticity and intimacy that they will go to the ends of the earth to avoid it. I hope your husband is not one such person.

I found a lot of help at divorcebusting.com. Though I did not "save" my marriage, some people do find their spouse can change. The support I found there helped me a great deal with things I didn't want to bring here. I'm only now getting back to my CSA issues, here and in T, but I'm finding that dealing with the traumatic end to my marriage has helped me in ways I never would have imagined.

Before you give up all hope, take a look at divorcebusting.com. There are no guarantees, and the odds are still steep, but it might help you find strength in yourself that you didn't know you had. And you could be one of the ones whose marriage recovers.

Thanks,

Joe