Regrets, reflections, and penance (MAY TRIGGER SURVIVORS!)

Regrets, reflections, and penance (MAY TRIGGER SURVIVORS!)
C

crisispoint

Registrant
Over the last couple of days, I've been reading some of the stuff the partners here have posted concerning infidelity and it's effects on their relationships. It's been troubling me because there's a part of my past that I've never been proud of, but now I feel really ashamed and grieved over. The funny thing is, though, I've no chance of it ever coming back to haunt me except in my conscense (sp?). Admitting this may change how some of you feel about me, but seeing your pain makes me want to come clean, and maybe stir up some of the brothers who use this as a coping mechanism.

Before I had my repressed memories return, I was curious about homosexual sex and attracted to men (still attracted to men, but that's adifferent story). In order to appease my curiosity, I met men through the internet and had one-night stands with them. I only had two encounters (and if anyone read my post on Survivor Stories, you know how well at least one of them turned out), but they were with married men.

Now, at the time, I now know I was "acting out" with what happened, but it bothered me even then that I was having sex with someone else's partner. Yet I explained it away and rationalized it by reasoning, "oh, it's just sex. I have no intention of falling in love and running away with these guys. I like them and all, but it's only for sex." It's much more than that, I knew then and I know now.

I realize that, while I wasn't the one actively seeking out extramarital sex (I was, and still am, single), I was going out with men who were. These men had wives, probably kids, and I was knowlingly helping them betray their marriage. The one who ended up raping me apparently wasn't much good as a husband either (I fear for his wife and kids now), but she most likely didn't know about her husband's philandering and believed whatever lies he was telling her when we went out with me and other men. The other guy, too.

It's been keeping me up at night, and I feel so dirty. I'm glad I never met their wives or families, but now I wish I could admit what I did to them and apologize. I'm so heartbroken over what I did to them that I could cry. I have cried, because every time I read one of the stories here about affairs, I remember I did that to someone I didn't even know.

Will this change some opinions about me? I expect it will and I'm sad about that. But I now know what I did to someone else's family, and I have to get this out of my system.

I am sorry for what I did. I wish I could take it back. I'll never do it again, and that's a promise I know I'll keep.

I feel so horribly about this. Please, please forgive me.

Scot
 
Hey Scot,

It sounds like you are "taking responsibility" for things in the past, according to the knowledge and experience that you have NOW. There are so many variables that make us do the things we do, and as they change, so does our wisdom as well as our actions.

We can't change the past, and you have already changed yourself, by deciding you weren't going there again---among many other things. You are moving forward! That's so much more effective than looking backward. You CAN do something about the future...and the now, and you are. That shows the strength of character you have.

I hope you can find peace in your heart, and appreciate the progress you have made. You haven't changed my opinion of you at all. Who you are speaks so much more loudly than things you have done in the past.

If any of us ever manage to attain perfection, then maybe we will be qualified to judge!

Smile!
Hugs,

Lynn
 
scot, it might help to write a letter to thier wives, one that you wont send, but in it express this sorrow and make you apology. this is something i have been doing, and it does help get the feelings out there.

on another note, i was one of those guys, not with you, but that was living with my then fiance and meeting a guy two times. i dont think i ever told myself it was only sex, but i had become quite good of just not thinking about it. i did it and moved on, and now have to live with it. i try to justify it by telling myself we werent married yet, and it was only sex, but that doesnt help much. sometimes the only thing a person can do is draw this mental line of that was the old me, i would never do that now. i cannot undo the mistakes i made, and in many ways i can never atone for them. what i can do is live right from here on, and focus on the fact that those things are behind me now.
 
1st of all, we can all tell that you are a compassionate person because you have posted the trigger warning - that says a lot about you....

In Judaism, the process of atonement (at-one-ment) comes up at least once every year - at our new year around September or October. We are supposed to make peace & ask for forgiveness from those we feel we may have wronged. Nevertheless, there are times when this kind of attempt at reconciliation is IMPOSSIBLE!!! Either circumstances have changed or perhaps the other person has died. In such cases, we can only turn to ourselves & try our best to be the person we wish we had been at the time of our former conduct.

You are so heartbreakingly contrite & you have been through so much - maybe the person who needs to forgive you right now IS you....

Please be gentle with the person you are now.
 
This is a great thread - there are 2 key steps in in AA, or any other 12 step addiction program that talk about a) making a fearless moral inventory of our lives and b) making direct amends to those we have hurt..

...but there's a caveat to the last point - making direct amends to those we have hurt EXCEPT for those for whom direct amends would make things worse. I think in this case... apologizing to those people directly may make things worse... so its OK not to do so.

I think what you are doing is really amazing... a major turning point for your healing. Its painful as hell I bet...

Dont ever forget you did not have control over the choices the OTHER person made to have sex with you. The person that chose to cheat with you was there through their own free will. They also have a lot of responsibility to their wives/families (much more than you I would say) in what went on!! Chances are pretty good that if you didnt engage in this relationship with these people, then someone else would have, and the result, for that wife/family, would have been the same.

I have been cheated on in past relationships.. and I can safely say that while I am not overly fond of the person that my partner cheated with, I place the blame squarely with my own partner.. when it comes right down to it, it was my HIS responsibility to make the decision not to cheat!!

It takes a brave, brave person to be wading into these feelings. Yes, be gentle with yourself, forgive yourself.

God already has.

P
 
Originally posted by phoster:
in many ways i can never atone for them.
what i can do is live right from here on, and focus on the fact that those things are behind me now.
Click to expand...
The living right from here on, and focussing on the fact that those things are behind you, the pain of dealing with what happened to you, how you reacted, and dealing with SA is probably atonement enough!

Just my two cents worth but I think there's a special place in heaven for all SA surivors, as y'all have already done your time in hell.

P
 
Scot,

You didn't do anything to those men's families that hadn't been done the moment those men decided to set up one night stands. Not anything.

Shortly after I learned about her, I tracked down and confronted "Ms. X,"--not even to find out who she was or how she felt about anything, but because I was sure that what my boyfriend had told me wasn't true. She was ridiculous and immature, entirely unapologetic, just said, "well I didn't know he had any kids, and anyway he lied to both of us" :mad: like I wanted to feel a connection to her? :mad: :rolleyes:

But in hindsight I wish nothing on her except her continuing safety because she was WAY too trusting and gave out WAY too much info. to a guy she had met online. I really hope she doesn't get herself into (more) trouble, and that's all.

In fact I'm grateful to her--she gave me what I was most looking for at the time, even though she probably wouldn't have if she knew she was doing it--she told me what I wanted to know, AND she made me realize that she wasn't my "substitute" in a way that my boyfriend never could have made me understand. Because talking to her made it crystal clear to me that she was not ever going to be the person my boyfriend would run away with. Not because she is terrible or stupid or anything. Just because she's not anything like me or anyone else he's ever been serious about. We weren't getting the same "parts" of him. He was living something out with her that was attached to the rest of his desires, but a part that was just hitched up to the back, being dragged around with everything. And I'm sitting in the passenger seat. :D

I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS THOUGH! I can say this now because since I've done it, I've had time and space and I've learned new things about my boyfriend and I never have to see her again. At the time it was terrible and I don't think healthy of me. And I also acted with no regard for her feelings (except I did tell her to please be safer) which I'm not proud of.

Scot, it's important too to remember that learning to respect marriage and relationships requires that first you have some reason to respect them. For myself, I had no concern for anyone's long term relationship or what such a thing might mean to someone because as a kid, every marriage I saw was substancially screwed up, and every relationship I was ever in was screwed up, and the first three years of my relationship now were screwed up (and I must not have a lot of respect for marriage still, cuz I'm still not). If, at any point before the recent past, someone had remarked that I would do well to respect people's vows, I would have laughed at them and told them a succession of awful stories. I've never cheated on anyone, but the reason for that has nothing to do with respect for anyone else's promises. That's about self-respect and if your circumstances left you lacking in self-respect, then there's someone besides yourself that you should be angry at.

love (w/ no strings) ;)
Sar
 
Scot, et al - Acting out sexually is a manifestation of the abuse suffered by children. It is a coping mechanism and a way for victims to try to regain some sort of control, control that was stolen by the monsters that victimize children. It is not something that is necessarily within the control of the victim as he/she tries to survive.
I think it might be helpful to point out that the men you met up with were, in their own way, acting out sexually. I wonder if it's possible they were doing the same thing you were doing...trying to regain control they had lost as children. I do not believe that people deliberately set out to have extramarital sex simply to hurt their partners. Sure, there are those who are sexually frustrated at home, but why are they seeking out a male to act out with? Why not a woman since they are presenting themselves to the world as 'straight'?
I guess what I'm getting at is, you and they were probably coming from similar places in the motivation to seek out the situations you sought. I'm happy that you are past that stage in your life, it must be a great relief. It is possible that others will see themselves in this thread, that something might click and make sense and lead them to find another way to regain that control. I hope so.
Peace
 
Hello,
I hope that some of you can pick up Sinking's remark and help partners: "but why are they seeking out a male to act out with? Why not a woman since they are presenting themselves to the world as 'straight'?", because that is something that totally baffles me.
I am struggling with the fact that my partner has been surfing gay male sites and has recently come close to a fully-fledged sexual encounter with a man. I cannot help wondering if part of the reason why he is with me (woman) is to have some sort of respectability in a mostly anti-gay society. He is in therapy, wants to get to the bottom of this. All he can tell me at the moment is that it is linked to having being sexually abused. I have not asked him how it is linked. I am not sure he could explain it yet, nor that he would feel comfortable to do so to me, because of our committed involvement with each other. I am hoping that some of you, further ahead in their healing, can shed some light on this question.

Also, is it "common" for men who were abused by women to have extra-marital affairs with men? or is that mainly the case for men abused by men?

Stay well
MN
 
i would like to add a PS to my previous post.
It seems to me that if I were a straight man who had been abused by a man/men, the last thing I would want is to be sexual with a man.
It does not make sense to me, emotionally or intellectually. All I know is that it worries me , that I feel hurt, and that it has chipped away at my trust in my partner.
MN
 
That's the difficult part and it is multi-faceted. Being sexually abused by an older male oftentimes leaves the victim wondering if he is gay. This comes from the fact that the body reacted to the sex, the victim became aroused. In many cases the sexual abuse was the victim's first exposure to sex, again instilling the idea (fear?) that he might be gay. I know many survivors will agree that the physical part felt good (it hurts to say that, to admit that). Of course there are others who experienced physical pain and violence during their abuse and that would manifest in its own way. But for those whose bodies reacted, for lack of a better term, positively, it leaves many questions.
Your question with respect to: Why would anyone ever want to have sex with an older male if that was who abused you (I'm paraphrasing) is complex and cannot be answered easily. I don't think 'straight'victims want sex with a male but they are looking for answers. They are looking, as I stated previously, to regain some of the control that was taken from them. They are seeking to 'relive' the experience but on their terms, again in an effort to regain control. These, and other ways of acting out, are common reactions to CSA. Many of us share them, none of us planned it that way or wanted it that way but many of us didn't/don't have the tools to know what is happening while it is happening or how to stop it from happening. No one wants to act out this way, just as no one sets out to be a drug addict or alcoholic. There are things in our past that seem to lead us, to control us, compulsions that seem like they won't stop nagging at us until we act them out. Personally, once I understood what it was that I was doing, that I was in a sense perpetuating the abuse, I was able to stop. Sometimes the desire is still there, sometimes it is very strong but if I think about it and what the end result will be (guilt, disgust, shame, pain, regret, emptiness, questions still unanswered, just to name a few) I can make the desire go away, usually. Or I can at least decide that I am not going to act on the impulse if I know how I'll feel afterward.
I can truly say that, regardless of the type of committed relationship I may have been in at any given time, my actions never had anything to do with the other person. I felt guilty that I had betrayed someone I cared about, but I always felt that I had no choice in the matter. Now I know better because I have learned about what I was doing and why. I hope this helps to make more sense from my previous post.
Peace.
 
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