reflections

[tone]

I sit here and wonder how much energy I should be putting into my abuse. Whatever is enough for me , might not be for someone else. Is ongoing therapy necessary?. How much time should i spend analysing, and how much time should i spend crying?.
Should i tell my family , should i go into details about this with my wife?. should she participate in my recovery?
I have this big empty void where there was once "Me". I don't know who i am. It's like amnesia i guess.
I do know however that this is better than ignoring it.
I don't want my life back, I want a life. I am scared of what i might become. I find myself in a situation where i do not want to loose control, thats all i am good at controlling myself.
I look at children in my neighborhood, and i realise that i don't understand what it's like to be one, iwas never one myself. Jesus, at 5 or 6 i was already thinking like a grown up. It was a world of compromise, where people want something from you and take it. the compromise is that you don't get killed as long as you are quiet about it. Santa claus was never anything different than any other adults. The part that always made me shiver was when people told me that Santa loves little children. They should really rethink the whole concept.
I don't know why im writting this shit, it means nothing, just meandering thoughts which i cannot express properly.
I THINK THEREFORE I AM -I AM THERE FOR THINK - FOR I THINK I AM THERE- THERE I AM, THINK FORE-
THERE ARE FOUR HAMS IN MY SINK

IN THE KINGDOM OF THE BLIND, THE ONE EYED MAN IS KING

 

[tone]

DEAR TONE ,i THINK YOU ARE LOOSING IT.

 

[tone]

Tone , I think Tone is right, you are loosing it,
cheers, Tone

 

[mrsunshineguy]

Hi Tone,

This (recovery stuff) is the domain of the heart . . . emotions . . . . not so much the domain of the brain (ie, thinking and intellect). It is okay and normal to feel confused and lost. It will all sort out and fit in time.

The nice thing about the big void inside is that eventually you get to fill it up with good stuff, as the bad stuff is removed. It can get pretty pleasant inside with time, patience, and healing.

btw, I guess you know how that story (In The Kingdom Of The Blind, The One Eyed Man Is King ) goes? It really is amusing and apt.

See you,

Sunshine

 

[Mike Church]

Tone:
I have been where you are. You are not confused or losing it. One for me is that I realized after 36 years of hiding it from everyone I loved I had alienated myself literally from the human race.

I thought if I told my wife I would be cast aside like damaged goods and that my 17 year old daughter at the time would never want to see me again.

They got mad alright. Because I did not tell them. They are truly supportive. My wife is having difficulty understanding why it is taking so long to heal and that is ok. It is not hers to fix but mine.

I finally went for help at 56. I am 62 now and life has never been better for me. Yes there are huge potholes on this recovery road but with the help of my doc.; the brother wolves here, and their significant others; my wife and my daughter (now 22) I will heal and learn to live and not just exist

My brother I cannot tell you what to do. When I told my family and sought help my dirty little secret that was secretly killing me lost its permanent hold on me. You see it is not a secret anymore. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

Hope this helps a bit.

Mike

AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOO

 

[outis]

Is ongoing therapy necessary?. How much time should i spend analysing, and how much time should i spend crying?.
Should i tell my family , should i go into details about this with my wife?. should she participate in my recovery?
I have this big empty void where there was once "Me". I don't know who i am. It's like amnesia i guess.
I do know however that this is better than ignoring it.
I don't want my life back, I want a life.

Tone,

I have been asking many of the same questions, in nearly the same words, lately. The answers that I'm finding for myself are pretty vague right now, bu they're what I have so far.

Ongoing therapy? Not sure. I do know that I'm not done with it yet. If I still feel shell shocked when we discuss my abuse history (like this past Wednesday), then I ain't done yet.

Analysing? Who, me, the prototypical pseudo intellectual? In the immortal words of the 20th Century American philospher Popeye, "I yam what I yam."

I analyze everything way too f***ing much. I don't know how much to cut back, or even really how to cut back on it yet. I'm at the point now where I analyze every word, thought, feeling, hunch, dream, impression, etc. that goes through my mind. Where did that thought come from? Why did I feel that way? Whose idea was that? And it's pretty tiring work.

Crying? Don't know. Still haven't started. Not sure why. I think I'm more angry at the boy that let this happen to me than I am compassionate towards him for what he endured, or admiring of him for how he survived.

I guess when it starts it'll go till it's done. Best answer I have right now.

Tell family? I did tell my wife. I told one of my sisters that I am in therapy, but I didn't mention the SA. I won't be mentioning it to my parents or other siblings until I sort out more of what actually happened in our home. Troubling feelings about issues that predate the rape outside my parents' home.

Tell my wife details? I'd love to, because I want to talk about it, get it off my chest, at least what I remember so far. I've asked her, and she's told me she doesn't want to hear it. I'll probably end up posting it here one day. It's not that terrible, but it's real personal, and that makes it harder for me.

My wife is participating in my recovery, because she knows now about the abuse. Anything I do to change myself will have an effect on our marriage, and will potentially give her a chance to change. That's about all I know about that right now. She's not my therapist, though.

"Who is this character "me" and where did he come from?" I posted words like that yesterday. The masks I wore don't fit like they used to. They were never comfy, anyway, but they were familiar. I don't know the person behind the mask, the one that looks out of the eyes in the mirror. I'm trying to learn more about him, but I guess that's a lifetime process, and not just for survivors.

A life. Well, I guess what I have is my life, and I have to play the hand I'm dealt. I made a lot of mistakes to get to this point, but Someone Upstairs has kept me alive for some reason. I'm trying to work on this "life" thing by trying to get clearer answers to the questions you raised. When I'm done there, I expect there'll be new questions.

That's my story (as of today) and I'm stickin' to it. But, WTF do I know?

Joe

 

[Wuamei]

I do know however that this is better than ignoring it.

Tone, whatever your answers are to those questions
I think you've got that part right.

I don't want my life back, I want a life. I am scared of what i might become.

That's a feeling that really resonates with me, fellow survivor:

"I seek to cure what's deep inside, frightened of this thing that I've become." (from "Africa" by Toto)

But we have life, friend. Our perps tried to bury it, kill it, take it away from us. But they could not. We are survivors. We are the champions, my friend!

I look at children in my neighborhood, and i realise that i don't understand what it's like to be one, iwas never one myself. Jesus, at 5 or 6 i was already thinking like a grown up.

Tone, I so empathize with this. At least from the day my mother & father split up when I was 4, I became my mother's surrogate husband & surrogate father to my younger brother.

If you want to consider an exercise that might help us with this, find the recent thread I started, in this forum, "A Practical Exercise".

[QB]It was a world of compromise, where people want something from you and take it. the compromise is that you don't get killed as long as you are quiet about it.

Hey, we're not being quiet, and we're still alive!

Santa claus was never anything different than any other adults. The part that always made me shiver was when people told me that Santa loves little children. They should really rethink the whole concept.

Tone I've never been very big on Santa Claus (aka Satan Lucas

) myself, to put it mildly! At least not that Santa Claus that was described & shown to me growing up...

I THINK THEREFORE I AM -I AM THERE FOR THINK - FOR I THINK I AM THERE- THERE I AM, THINK FORE-
THERE ARE FOUR HAMS IN MY SINK

Now that's a spin on Descartes I really like!

I could go for a ham sandwich right now!

Besides as a great philosopher as Joe says Popeye has Descartes beat a mile!

In the immortal words of the 20th Century American philospher Popeye, "I yam what I yam."

TC & TTYL Tone

Victor