Reducing the risk of an abused person abusing others

Reducing the risk of an abused person abusing others
B

Brokenhearted

Registrant
Hi all,
Please do you have any advice on how I can get my husband to start getting angry about his abuse, because, as I understand it, until he does, he will continue to think what was done to him was somewhat normal or acceptable, and thus increases the likelihood he will abuse. I am very serious about this. The way I see it our daughter is at risk until my husband realizes how wrong and bad the abuse that was done to him was, how harmful it was. Is there any way I can help facilitate this, or is it just something he has to come to figure out on his own, if he ever does, and however long that takes, meanwhile perhaps placing our daughter at risk until then?
 
BH,

I don't believe you can force it. Some guys are angry right from the get go and they hold that anger. Hopefully, they learn to deal with it. Others, like your husband and my b/f don't get angry. This doesn't mean they will abuse a child. These guys most definately know that what was done to them was wrong and hurtful and has caused pain for the duration of their lives. I know my b/f doesn't believe it was normal or acceptable, it just was. That's what he tells me. I also know that he would cut off his arms and legs before he would harm a child, or anyone else for that matter unless it was necessary to protect himself or someone else.

But anger? No. He makes it a point of almost never getting angry at anything. I think he's afraid that if he does, it will all come up and he won't have any control over himself. That potential loss of control is terrifying to him now. Perhaps your husband feels the same way.

From everything you've written, he loves his little girl and would never harm her. If you think he's a risk to her, I think you need to hang your hat on more than his lack of anger. I believe that's just another protection mechanism, which makes sense because when we get angry, it's very possible to lose control which is something our guys are very afraid of and therefore very careful not to do.

Trish
 
I'm not sure if there is any connection between not getting angry about the abuse and being at greater risk to abuse others. There are a lot of factors that go into the decision one makes to abuse another. Unfortunately, those who are thinking about or struggling with impulse to abuse do not talk about it with others.

For family and friends of those who doing behaviors that are suspect, you can call a confidential number and talk with a counselor who is experienced in working with abusers. The organization is StopItNow! and it is a national (maybe Canadian as well) hotline at 1 888 PREVENT.

It works to provide info to those around a person who have concerns about behaviors, as well as those who are struggling themselves with the thoughts to abuse.

I've worked with thousands of abusers for nearly 30 years. Although many will claim they acted impulsively, those in treatment will readily admit after a while that the behaviors were preceeded by sexual thoughts and feelings towards the victim (or an unspecified victim in general). Most will agree that had they known there was someone they could talk to before acting on the thoughts, they would have.

You can call StopItNow! for info. You don't have to give your name or location and they will not report anyone. If someone calls to say they have already abused a child, if it is reportable in the state or province where it occured, the counselor will urge the person to report himself to get help for the victim.

BH, give them a call and let us know how it went.

Ken
 
Really I have no feelings he would do such a thing. I may call that number anyway just to learn all I can.

A few months ago when I was talking about the abuse and said our daughter is an angel and a blessing from God, because I know she's probably the first connection he's really had w/ anyone since before his abuse, he cried, and then he said "You don't know how scared I am of doing something to her," at which I just said if he ever gets the feeling to do something, he'd better talk to someone.

So I know he has the fear, probably just out of knowing it CAN be a cycle, but at the same time he would never want to do that. My fear I guess is to the extreme: that it would be an unconscious compulsion and he wouldn't even remember doing it, or something weird like that. He does have chunks of his childhood he does not remember, so maybe this means he is prone to dissociation - he doesn't even remember anything about our wedding day. So I just always worry about the worst things, maybe.
 
BH,

I read your post the other night and it sort of stuck with me.

From a survivors perspective. For me i had a breakdown about 4yrs ago. At that time i worried about the same thing your husband is worried about and you are concerned with.

I am not married or have kids, but i have nieces and nephews who i am close too. In talking with my T about it, she said that if i hadn't done anything at this point in my life the chances of me doing something like that is very very small, even with dissociation i would do anything.

I still have remind myself of that fact if i see posts or hear in the news about perps. Those thoughts stil haunt me about could i do it?, then reality sets in about what my T told me then i re-group inside and move on and wait for the next time when it comes up.

For me it doesn't come up very often anymore because i know the truth about myself

In my opinion it is very common for survivors to experience these thoughts and questions, because the trama we faced we can't and wont do it to others and ruin another life.

Take Care,

Healing Inside
 
BH Ken has a good handle on what and how perps begin and act out. Since we work together in a pgm., I see him at work first hand!! The numbers he gave are really effective numbers to call!! The greater number of sexually abused victims DO NOT move toward becoming abusers!! Those who want to talk about the thoughts and feelings going on within themselves choose correctly - "If you talk it out (thoughts and feelings) you won't act it out (perp)". Is your husband with a Therapist? Is he able to talk out his deep feelings? Journal?

Howard
 
Well, he just had his first appt with a T Wed. and I've never been able to get him to talk much about deep things....so I am hoping that the T will guide him gradually to be able to talk about everything. I feel very powerless b/c I can't force him to talk about his past. I am a very gentle person but even coaxing doesn't work...so I just keep quiet and hope he will come to me if he ever needs to talk. The other day he did say that he always waits for the other guys to leave before showering after tennis. I just said "yeah" b/c I know that is a similar thing to survivors, but maybe I should have asked him why, even though I think I understand why, I don't even know if he would have talked about it, but I wish I would have tried to talk about that then. I'm being very careful not to make him uncomfortable so I don't push him to talk about these things....maybe it's a mistake...but usually if I try, he gets upset at me like he'll say "Do we always have to talk about that?" when really we never do. He sometimes says "Quit trying to psychoanalyze me!" like he thinks I'm meddling too much if I try to speak to him about things. So, sigh, it's a difficult place I'm in presently.
 
I do not understand this. I was abused in my home from age before I even know when it starts. I have not ever abused anyone else, I have never had desire or thought to abuse anyone else. Not everyone is the same person, and not everyone react to their past in same way.

VN
 
VN - Nothing to understand really. Most of us who were abused never ever dream of perping on any one. You are in the majority; however, a very few do go on to sexually offend others (not common). You are among the vast majority of survivors who DO NOT OFFEND others!!! Keep safe and blessing upon your journey!!

Howard
 
I would like to point out Myth #6 on our Myths about male sexual victimization page:

Myth #6 - The "Vampire Syndrome" that is, boys who are sexually abused, like the victims of Count Dracula, go on to "bite" or sexually abuse others.

This myth is especially dangerous because it can create a terrible stigma for the child, that he is destined to become an offender. Boys might be treated as potential perpetrators rather than victims who need help. While it is true that most perpetrators have histories of sexual abuse, it is NOT true that most victims go on to become perpetrators. Research by Jane Gilgun, Judith Becker and John Hunter found a primary difference between perpetrators who were sexually abused and sexually abused males who never perpetrated: non-perpetrators told about the abuse, and were believed and supported by significant people in their lives. Again, the majority of victims do not go on to become adolescent or adult perpetrators; and those who do perpetrate in adolescence usually don't perpetrate as adults if they get help when they are young.
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i have a good freind who cant feel the anger and i think its held him back all his life ,the opposite of anger is self blame. i agree it has nothing to do with becomming an abuser ,but instead of hating the perp i think he hates himself. if you dont blame the abuser there is only one person left to take the blame . the anger might not be good for us but for me it is necessary to heal .i know who's to blame and yeah i'm pissed about it .
 
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