*Triggers Possible* Redefining Something That Happened After College
bluesteel
Registrant
In one of my previous posts on the sexuality thread I spoke about my journey with sexuality and how my abuse has made me question it multiple times. I also spoke about how my abuse has lead me to be in many risky situations.
I said that the second time I had anal was the first time it was consensual. I now realize that was what I wanted myself to believe. This is what really happened as I remember. A guy I was experimenting with and dating took me out for coffee one day. My mom and brother were on vacation (they would do this a lot without me and leave me at home even if I wanted to go with them). The guy I was dating and I went back to my place and I put the coffee in the fridge and took him to my room. My dog did NOT like him, he barked and growled which was a bit weird. I was so excited to play with him and hook up, he was a bit kinky and roughly 5 years older than me and had a great job and really smart. I was 22 and he was 26/27, I had just graduated. He was so hot. Big biceps and arms, the most rock hard abs I've ever seen in person. I loved hanging with him. He took me to my room and we chilled for a bit. I don't really remember what happened. He got me to smoke some weed, but he refused which was odd.
I started sucking him off which I was not good at. I have never really liked it either and barely tried it much before. He kept telling me I wasn't doing it how he liked and was nice about it, showing me like "hey lick this like this" etc. I was not getting into it. He kept saying "hey you seem to not be enjoying this?" which is a common theme in my male to male encounters. I said no, I liked it of course, I insisted. He slapped me around a bit to get me sucking the way he wanted, it was hard, I couldn't do it, I was inexperienced with men. He was not happy that I was not doing exactly what he wanted so he bent me over the bed for a spanking was what he told me. That was interesting to me and something we had talked about before, but he took it too far.
So he bent me over and I expected him to slap my ass a few times. He took out a belt, which I didn't agree to and hit me as hard as he could. He said "count to 20" I gritted my teeth and started counting. He was hitting me too hard. I asked him to stop. He did not. He hit me so fucking hard that I couldn't think straight I lost count and he kept going, but because I lost count I had to start over. It got to the point I couldn't even speak. I started crying. I begged him to stop many times he said no and that it would be worse if I didn't shut up. I tried to get up, but remembered how big he was in comparison and he had a belt and the door was locked. When I lifted my head the last time I thought about just completely standing up, he must have realized that and pushed me back down and went for it with swatting my ass and other parts of my body with the belt and used his hands some times too. I asked him to stop again, but he said no. I gave up and kind of went blank, I was like "I just need to do what he wants and be done with this"
When he was done I was crying and told me to stand up. He looked me in the eyes, saw the fear and smiled. He told me to get on my knees and he fucked my face for a bit which hurt my throat. He then told me to get up and put me on the bed. I knew he was going to fuck me. I was not interested in that at that time. We had talked about hot I had only bottomed once and didn't like it much but was still exploring my sexuality and would try it. We did not talk about doing it that day. I knew I could not say no if he were to ask me permission. He told me to lay there and I did, like wtf was I going to do? If I laid there, then it was my choice. He also at times held me down by my wrists so I couldn't move.
He fucked me and unlike the first time when I had anal (which wasn't consensual), I didn't feel anything. I kind of felt out of my body. He fucked me HARD. I didn't feel much and in the moments of pain I just bit the sheets and took it. He came. Then he went to the bathroom and told me to stay still. In that minute or two he was in the bathroom, I missed him so much. His body and presence. Then he came back and asked me to suck him again, but since he got off, I could go slow.
I sucked him off and I don't remember what happened next, but I never came or was touched. He got up and started getting dressed. We had agreed to hang out for longer and maybe watch a movie but that was done. My heart broke I missed him already. When he was dressed he just started walking out. I ran after him. I tried to chase after him but he turned around and was like "yeah thanks" and gave me a fist bump. Not even a kiss... Not even a hug... We had been dating and talking for some time, but this meet up was different. He left. I felt used. I cried. I felt like I was in a daze for the rest of the night. I couldn't think. I put on TV and hung out with my dog. My ass was sore and bleeding a bit. The first time I had anal I bled (it was also a rape) so I thought that was just what happened sometimes.
I was so scared that night. I left all the lights on and never went to bed, even the outside lights I changed from motion sensor to always on with maximum brightness. I locked the door and had a weapon with me. I had convinced myself that I heard someone trying to break in and that's what I was scared of. I kept looking outside and thought I saw some shadows moving. I really thought someone was there, looking back, nobody was there nobody was trying to break into my house I was just scared and in shock.
He texted me a day or two later and said that it was so hot, he liked how my eyes looked. He liked what he did to me. He said I could take it so rough he was surprised how rough he could fuck me, I don't remember it being that hard, but it must have been unbelievable. He said he wanted to choke me out next time, or maybe hit me and punch me and knock me out. He also joked another time that he wanted to date rape me, as in put a drug in my drink one day and just use my body while I was asleep.
I would text him a lot, but he would seldom respond after that, which was unusual for him. It was hard for us to hang out because he lived at home with his parents and so did I, he moved out to another apartment but with his cousins and I think brother or sister so that was a no go. He was not out and a catholic, same as me. Eventually it came time for me to move. I moved abroad. Never said goodbye. When I was in the middle of a relationship with my ex (who was much older), he texted me and told me how he thought about my eyes still. We talked for a bit, but that killed my libido for a long time and my ex and I stopped having sex. I told him that I wish I had stayed and we could have gotten to know each other more and maybe settled into a proper relationship, he said that he thought about that too, but things worked out so well for me and he was proud.
It fucked with my head for a long time. In my head I didn't recognize this as rape until this week. I was and still am so confused and get aroused thinking of it. I blocked him on everything, but then came across him on a new profile he made. I almost reached out but thanks to this community, was encouraged not to. The next day I deleted my profile so I cannot contact him. I framed this as kinky sex. I framed this as just a relationship that didn't work out, but never thought of is as anything bad. I actually missed him and wanted to experience it again. For years I felt like I had chased him away. Like this was something I wanted, it was not something I agreed to and I asked him to stop many times.
When my family came home from their trip, I was questioned about the old coffee in the fridge. I couldn't dare throw it away.
I can't believe this happened to me. I am mortified. He was muscular but not as tall as me. And I’m a big dude. I’m a man, I’m strong I’m tough, I’m a smart ass, I’m smart, I’m perceptive, I see things from a mile away. I don’t understand how it happened. But now I know what it was and that it wasn’t my fault. At the time i thought I was sad because I liked him, but now I know why. I also had a hard time feeling like a man for a long time after that.
I said that the second time I had anal was the first time it was consensual. I now realize that was what I wanted myself to believe. This is what really happened as I remember. A guy I was experimenting with and dating took me out for coffee one day. My mom and brother were on vacation (they would do this a lot without me and leave me at home even if I wanted to go with them). The guy I was dating and I went back to my place and I put the coffee in the fridge and took him to my room. My dog did NOT like him, he barked and growled which was a bit weird. I was so excited to play with him and hook up, he was a bit kinky and roughly 5 years older than me and had a great job and really smart. I was 22 and he was 26/27, I had just graduated. He was so hot. Big biceps and arms, the most rock hard abs I've ever seen in person. I loved hanging with him. He took me to my room and we chilled for a bit. I don't really remember what happened. He got me to smoke some weed, but he refused which was odd.
I started sucking him off which I was not good at. I have never really liked it either and barely tried it much before. He kept telling me I wasn't doing it how he liked and was nice about it, showing me like "hey lick this like this" etc. I was not getting into it. He kept saying "hey you seem to not be enjoying this?" which is a common theme in my male to male encounters. I said no, I liked it of course, I insisted. He slapped me around a bit to get me sucking the way he wanted, it was hard, I couldn't do it, I was inexperienced with men. He was not happy that I was not doing exactly what he wanted so he bent me over the bed for a spanking was what he told me. That was interesting to me and something we had talked about before, but he took it too far.
So he bent me over and I expected him to slap my ass a few times. He took out a belt, which I didn't agree to and hit me as hard as he could. He said "count to 20" I gritted my teeth and started counting. He was hitting me too hard. I asked him to stop. He did not. He hit me so fucking hard that I couldn't think straight I lost count and he kept going, but because I lost count I had to start over. It got to the point I couldn't even speak. I started crying. I begged him to stop many times he said no and that it would be worse if I didn't shut up. I tried to get up, but remembered how big he was in comparison and he had a belt and the door was locked. When I lifted my head the last time I thought about just completely standing up, he must have realized that and pushed me back down and went for it with swatting my ass and other parts of my body with the belt and used his hands some times too. I asked him to stop again, but he said no. I gave up and kind of went blank, I was like "I just need to do what he wants and be done with this"
When he was done I was crying and told me to stand up. He looked me in the eyes, saw the fear and smiled. He told me to get on my knees and he fucked my face for a bit which hurt my throat. He then told me to get up and put me on the bed. I knew he was going to fuck me. I was not interested in that at that time. We had talked about hot I had only bottomed once and didn't like it much but was still exploring my sexuality and would try it. We did not talk about doing it that day. I knew I could not say no if he were to ask me permission. He told me to lay there and I did, like wtf was I going to do? If I laid there, then it was my choice. He also at times held me down by my wrists so I couldn't move.
He fucked me and unlike the first time when I had anal (which wasn't consensual), I didn't feel anything. I kind of felt out of my body. He fucked me HARD. I didn't feel much and in the moments of pain I just bit the sheets and took it. He came. Then he went to the bathroom and told me to stay still. In that minute or two he was in the bathroom, I missed him so much. His body and presence. Then he came back and asked me to suck him again, but since he got off, I could go slow.
I sucked him off and I don't remember what happened next, but I never came or was touched. He got up and started getting dressed. We had agreed to hang out for longer and maybe watch a movie but that was done. My heart broke I missed him already. When he was dressed he just started walking out. I ran after him. I tried to chase after him but he turned around and was like "yeah thanks" and gave me a fist bump. Not even a kiss... Not even a hug... We had been dating and talking for some time, but this meet up was different. He left. I felt used. I cried. I felt like I was in a daze for the rest of the night. I couldn't think. I put on TV and hung out with my dog. My ass was sore and bleeding a bit. The first time I had anal I bled (it was also a rape) so I thought that was just what happened sometimes.
I was so scared that night. I left all the lights on and never went to bed, even the outside lights I changed from motion sensor to always on with maximum brightness. I locked the door and had a weapon with me. I had convinced myself that I heard someone trying to break in and that's what I was scared of. I kept looking outside and thought I saw some shadows moving. I really thought someone was there, looking back, nobody was there nobody was trying to break into my house I was just scared and in shock.
He texted me a day or two later and said that it was so hot, he liked how my eyes looked. He liked what he did to me. He said I could take it so rough he was surprised how rough he could fuck me, I don't remember it being that hard, but it must have been unbelievable. He said he wanted to choke me out next time, or maybe hit me and punch me and knock me out. He also joked another time that he wanted to date rape me, as in put a drug in my drink one day and just use my body while I was asleep.
I would text him a lot, but he would seldom respond after that, which was unusual for him. It was hard for us to hang out because he lived at home with his parents and so did I, he moved out to another apartment but with his cousins and I think brother or sister so that was a no go. He was not out and a catholic, same as me. Eventually it came time for me to move. I moved abroad. Never said goodbye. When I was in the middle of a relationship with my ex (who was much older), he texted me and told me how he thought about my eyes still. We talked for a bit, but that killed my libido for a long time and my ex and I stopped having sex. I told him that I wish I had stayed and we could have gotten to know each other more and maybe settled into a proper relationship, he said that he thought about that too, but things worked out so well for me and he was proud.
It fucked with my head for a long time. In my head I didn't recognize this as rape until this week. I was and still am so confused and get aroused thinking of it. I blocked him on everything, but then came across him on a new profile he made. I almost reached out but thanks to this community, was encouraged not to. The next day I deleted my profile so I cannot contact him. I framed this as kinky sex. I framed this as just a relationship that didn't work out, but never thought of is as anything bad. I actually missed him and wanted to experience it again. For years I felt like I had chased him away. Like this was something I wanted, it was not something I agreed to and I asked him to stop many times.
When my family came home from their trip, I was questioned about the old coffee in the fridge. I couldn't dare throw it away.
I can't believe this happened to me. I am mortified. He was muscular but not as tall as me. And I’m a big dude. I’m a man, I’m strong I’m tough, I’m a smart ass, I’m smart, I’m perceptive, I see things from a mile away. I don’t understand how it happened. But now I know what it was and that it wasn’t my fault. At the time i thought I was sad because I liked him, but now I know why. I also had a hard time feeling like a man for a long time after that.
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