Recovery Update ***trigger warning

Recovery Update ***trigger warning
S

shepaintsmeblue

Registrant
As my father had chosen to deplete my finances and leave me with nothing, in February of 2019, after dissolving the guardianship and conservatorship he installed. I was left with no choice but to file for Social Security. I was taken from the possibility of spending all my money, to definitely draining it, in 3 short years. I had told him I'd kill myself when the money ran dry. I didn't. But that didn't stop him from draining me anyways, in an effort to get me to go through with it.

His endless games of conversion therapy and lies and molestation truly gut me sometimes. all the bullshit, his bullshit, comes out to nest and sits right in my face. slapping me constantly. there's truly no respite from knowing him. I've attempted to erase the bad memories, but only to my detriment.
I chose to pursue music awhile back, in my youth and it had finally come to fruition in December of 2017 when I composed my first song. I kept writing through the broke-life and produced my second record on a shoe-string budget. the first one I made cost me nearly 4700 to get done. So I was amped on that alone. I was going to the mixes finalized by another engineer, but ended up doing everything myself, before sending off 6 fresh tracks to some music directors for licensing. Nothings signed yet but this opportunity will allow me to keep going on with life, off of social security, and free to have more than 2k in liquid assets, per the rules of ss.

I found a new Therapist about 7 months ago, and they've been nothing short of amazing. I feel better knowing they're on my team. The medication regimen I'm on right now is miles better than the Benzos and chill pills I used to take. I feel safer in my own skin and have even tapered off weed a bit.

The days are starting to melt together as I found stability, finally, and friends. I feel better in the moment, with the moment and I feel like things might just work out.
 
Glad things are improving
 
What a struggle. How wonderful that you're experiencing some relief from it all. Hang in there... and thanks for sharing it with all of us.
 
shepaintsmeblue said:
As my father had chosen to deplete my finances and leave me with nothing, in February of 2019, after dissolving the guardianship and conservatorship he installed. I was left with no choice but to file for Social Security. I was taken from the possibility of spending all my money, to definitely draining it, in 3 short years. I had told him I'd kill myself when the money ran dry. I didn't. But that didn't stop him from draining me anyways, in an effort to get me to go through with it.

His endless games of conversion therapy and lies and molestation truly gut me sometimes. all the bullshit, his bullshit, comes out to nest and sits right in my face. slapping me constantly. there's truly no respite from knowing him. I've attempted to erase the bad memories, but only to my detriment.
I chose to pursue music awhile back, in my youth and it had finally come to fruition in December of 2017 when I composed my first song. I kept writing through the broke-life and produced my second record on a shoe-string budget. the first one I made cost me nearly 4700 to get done. So I was amped on that alone. I was going to the mixes finalized by another engineer, but ended up doing everything myself, before sending off 6 fresh tracks to some music directors for licensing. Nothings signed yet but this opportunity will allow me to keep going on with life, off of social security, and free to have more than 2k in liquid assets, per the rules of ss.

I found a new Therapist about 7 months ago, and they've been nothing short of amazing. I feel better knowing they're on my team. The medication regimen I'm on right now is miles better than the Benzos and chill pills I used to take. I feel safer in my own skin and have even tapered off weed a bit.

The days are starting to melt together as I found stability, finally, and friends. I feel better in the moment, with the moment and I feel like things might just work out.
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Hang in there! your doing great!! Are you releasing anything on youtube??
 
randy101 said:
Hang in there! your doing great!! Are you releasing anything on youtube??
Click to expand...
Not yet. When I do I might just link you. The days are going even better now. I got an inhaler recently and have been feeling even better than I was. It was asthma causing most of my symptoms
 
@shepaintsmeblue I am glad the inhaler is helping. I also like what you said in your original post about your T being on your team. My T also has been absolutely amazing. I regret my inability to truly express to him or anyone else what he has done for me. I think having a team is so critical. I wish you continued healing.
 
your life is much better without him , you are strong person , going through what you did , and coming out the other side of this . keep fighting ,
 
**trigger warning**​
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You have no idea how eerie this was to read.

I wish I could say i've moved on. I'm still mourning the loss of that relationship. I'm never going back home tho. And, i'm holding myself accountable this time. Merry Ex-commnunication, I no longer wish to keep my last name out of spite.

I was threatened, but you can never threaten a CSA survivor. All threats are callous because of the life we have lived.

They say blood is thicker than water... Well, in enough water it'll dissolve that blood in an instant. The body is more water than blood. I've severed the source. Time to go wash out the cut, metaphorically speaking.
 
Thanks guys. the twists and turns keep coming and as I began to take better care of myself, I realized how much he let me down, and never made sure I was comfortable or healthy. Things like hydration. After the back incident my brain was in a fritz and I didn't know how to take care of myself. basic things like drinking water and eating made me nauseous. He and my mom both wanted control. They maintained it through my misery. It hurts most knowing that they did the most damage to my, physically and mentally and spiritually. They really had their way for a long time. There are many truths that I know to be true - that I hope people know as truths, some day soon. My parents managed to twist my getting high into me somehow being delusional, and making up every aspect of my abuse. This obsolves them - to the people who ignore me and stay in their lives - and there aren't a lot of people left on this planet who believe them. I've become more credible than they could've ever wanted. they truly wanted me dead, and it shows. I changed my number recently and didn't give it to them. I'm changing my landline soon if they abuse that at all.
 
Personally if he molested you I would take him to court and take his money. Nobody who molested me ever had much so I didn't get the pleasure of taking it from them.

Guitars are one of the things that helped me keep my sanity, when I had a bad day I locked my self in the studio and played until my fingers bled.
 
wvsurvivor said:
Personally if he molested you I would take him to court and take his money. Nobody who molested me ever had much so I didn't get the pleasure of taking it from them.

Guitars are one of the things that helped me keep my sanity, when I had a bad day I locked my self in the studio and played until my fingers bled.
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The trouble is finding a lawyer that’ll take a 20 year old case. He has money, but I have no intentions of going back home and I’m getting tired of phoning attorneys there, telling them everything and getting a “no.”
 
I’m trying
Sterling said:
Good news .
That's great!
Massive success is the greatest revenge ! Quote from Sinatra.
Don't look back buddy!!
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im trying my hardest not to look back anymore. I smoked weed until I was absolutely miserable and I’m pretty much done with that too. It’s been weird staying in my head these past few days. A little relieved but a little scared. I think I’ll be ok
 
shepaintsmeblue said:
As my father had chosen to deplete my finances and leave me with nothing, in February of 2019, after dissolving the guardianship and conservatorship he installed. I was left with no choice but to file for Social Security. I was taken from the possibility of spending all my money, to definitely draining it, in 3 short years. I had told him I'd kill myself when the money ran dry. I didn't. But that didn't stop him from draining me anyways, in an effort to get me to go through with it.

His endless games of conversion therapy and lies and molestation truly gut me sometimes. all the bullshit, his bullshit, comes out to nest and sits right in my face. slapping me constantly. there's truly no respite from knowing him. I've attempted to erase the bad memories, but only to my detriment.
I chose to pursue music awhile back, in my youth and it had finally come to fruition in December of 2017 when I composed my first song. I kept writing through the broke-life and produced my second record on a shoe-string budget. the first one I made cost me nearly 4700 to get done. So I was amped on that alone. I was going to the mixes finalized by another engineer, but ended up doing everything myself, before sending off 6 fresh tracks to some music directors for licensing. Nothings signed yet but this opportunity will allow me to keep going on with life, off of social security, and free to have more than 2k in liquid assets, per the rules of ss.

I found a new Therapist about 7 months ago, and they've been nothing short of amazing. I feel better knowing they're on my team. The medication regimen I'm on right now is miles better than the Benzos and chill pills I used to take. I feel safer in my own skin and have even tapered off weed a bit.

The days are starting to melt together as I found stability, finally, and friends. I feel better in the moment, with the moment and I feel like things might just work out.
Click to expand...
This is so encouraging, man. Thank you so much for sharing. This gave me hope today.
 
I had to let go of what they did to me in order to move on. or rather, re-assess my grip on the matter. they gave me bad memories and gaslit me into remembering the trauma as being my fault. I smoked copious amounts of weed and it didn't work. the anxiety wouldn't go away. The only problem was I didn't know what my body was telling me. I was too traumatized to enjoy any of the signals my brain sent. it was like that for years - ever since the 4 days with my herniated disc. I was elevated and manic for years. but then I took some melatonin. and it worked. I calmed down and was able to grasp the trauma as not being my fault. the painful signals went away. I had never had a baseline of what it meant to be comfortable in my skin - and now I do. 2 weeks ago I couldn't stand to be in my head and now the memories come and go like they don't matter at all. I spend my days feeling better now, with only the occasional, yet noticeable flashback. I feel the effects of the conversion therapy wearing off finally - after 26+ years of pent up stress - from claiming other's actions as my own. They made me think backwards with an equation, and they threatened me. if I look at all of the bad-apple doctors I had as a kid, it's hard to not see them as all connected - and in on it. So, I stopped fighting the theory that they were connected and it has brought me immense peace. Remembering that they are at fault is important to my recovery - and for the first time in my life, I'm able to balance my trauma with my own actions. it brings me immense peace.
 
That is wonderful to hear... peace is so wonderful. Please be gentle with yourself. You deserve nothing less.
 
Visitor said:
That is wonderful to hear... peace is so wonderful. Please be gentle with yourself. You deserve nothing less.
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Everyday its getting easier to cope and be in my head. I feel like me for the first time ever. because of all the abuse I've never known health.
 
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