Recovery Road

[Pete2004]

Guys: thank you for sharing on this site. I cant really do justice in explaining the positive effect the descriptions of your struggles, victories, failures and recoveries are doing to help me on this journey. I have not been posting recently as I have been trying to work through the book, Victims No Longer.

I have a curious observation, when I hit parts in the book that really finger something in me, its as if my brain shuts down, even though I continue to read. I have to re-read it and re-read it and re-read it. It then begins to start getting through.

Heres what I am focusing on at the moment (this may be a trigger): It is just starting to sink in that the perp at scout camp spent part of the week grooming me for the assault. I was a young man (early teen) that was starved for male attention. He was cool, friendly, athletic, talented, a role model I began looking up to. When he came into my occupied (other boys) cabin, after lights out, to check on me feeling me up, getting me sexually excited, while I lay on my bunk. I was scared to death, he felt my heart racing, mentioned it and walked away. I never saw him again after that encounter.

All at the same time,I felt relieved, frustrated, scared, abandoned, rejected, still craving the attention and enjoying the touch.. To this day, if I am totally honest, I would want to complete the encounter as I have done in my imagination probably thousands of times, hating it and enjoying it.

How do I turn the corner on this? I read that the perp was just using me, abusing me, but it just doesnt feel that way deep down inside. He was able to convince me he cared. I guess the fact that he seemed to meet a need deep inside me, (a need that seems to still be there) is really clouding my thought process. I know what the affects of the abuse have been.. horrible is an understatement!

Anyway, I have had a significant victory After 20 years, I have been able to remember the perps name. It just bubbled up as I was reading and re-reading parts of the book. I looked him up on google and found his name, state and county. I have his home address and phone number. Hes married. I wont act on this info, but its nice to know where he is.

 

[outis]

Charlie2004,

You're making progress and can recognize that yourself. Great! This is a long slow process, but it's so much easier when we can see the progress we're making. We can get hope from what others see in us when we can't see our own progress through the moment's pain.

I read that the perp was just using me, abusing me, but it just doesnt feel that way deep down inside.

Many of us go through similar experiences. We can "know" in our minds what the truth is (someone abused us) even when we still feel in our hearts that it was something different, benign or even something good. It takes time to get what you're reading. Time to get it into your mind (reading over and over), time to get it into your heart (putting it into the context of your own situation), and time to get it into your life (practicing different, healthier behaviors once you recognize the effects in your life today).

You'll get there. Take your time, go at your own pace, and remember where you can find supportive people. A therapist or counselor can be a great help in all of this, because there's nothing quite like speaking out loud to another person who can listen without judging you.

Hang on to that name and address. You don't ever have to do anything with them, but it is your right if you choose to do so. Reading Ken's article on disclosure and confrontation (in the resources here on the site) is a good way to prepare if you do decide to use that info.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[The Dean]

I was abused at Scout Camp and at other places as well. Much of the things you say about your perp I could say of mine.

We do not have to pretend that we did not want his attention, nor that it felt good even if scarey at the same time. We do not have to see him as an ugly pervert that the world would be better off without.

He betrayed and violated your trust and your body. That is a fact. Why he choose you and why he did what he did and why he did not do it again are really not so important. You are important. If you still remember liking him that does not make you a part of the abuse.

If you use a fantsy of he and you to masturbate, you may want to talk with your therapist about that--my thought is that if you are not out harming other kids it probably is not that important. I think the important thing is trying to rebuild trust in males, and being able to love those who you do love in appropriate and acceptable ways.

Good luck with this--you can and will get through it. You just need to work at it and be very patient with the process.

Bob

 

[Pete2004]

Thanks Joe and Bob!

If you use a fantsy of he and you to masturbate, you may want to talk with your therapist about that--my thought is that if you are not out harming other kids it probably is not that important. I think the important thing is trying to rebuild trust in males, and being able to love those who you do love in appropriate and acceptable ways.

I stopped fantasizing about the guy years ago It left me feeling so guilty, and dirty. I never had an interest in children really only guys like my perp. It made it very difficult to act out.

Thanks for the encouraging words! You'll never know how deeply I appreciate the help.

regards,

Pete

 

[Leosha]

Pete,

I am sorry, I have still not read much about this. I avoid it. Like if I do not read about it, maybe it is still not true. That is ridiculous I know, but still I avoid it.

I think it is possible to have had that experience, and still not feel it abuse. I have heard of others who have felt physical arousal and even physical enjoyment from some incidents. It does not make you bad, or anything to have shame of.

leosha