Recovery is Scary Sometimes

[BFREE]

When I read the postings on this site, I find tremendous relief. It seems like everyone's story is my story just with differing circumstances. Now that I'm starting out and making a commitment to recovery, I'm a little freaked out. I naively thought a few therapy sessions and I'll be good as new. However it seems like the more I read from survivors that have been at it a while, they still struggle with some of the same bad habits, self esteem problems and what not.

I guess my question is how do you know your growing, I have to admit that I'm a hunderd times lighter having a burden of guilt and shame taken off my shoulders. Having said that, I now find myself justifing behaviours I know are wrong. I am really working through some issues related to an internet pronography addiction. This only reinforces my isolation and fear of intamacy because I am against objectifying women and therefore acting contrary to my conscience. Can you be healing and still doing things that harm yourself? Everytime I think I'm over this kind of nonsense I get caught up in it again.

Also I don't feel as guilty about it as I used to. That feels good but causes me to wonder if thats ok, shouldn't i feel guilty when I screw up? Anyway I just want to say thank you to everybody for being part of my recovery, I can't make it without you guys.

Brad

 

Brad, Everyone here is different. I consider myself to be way on the road to recovery. I also consider myself to be strong and somewhat hard assed.

Having said that, I come here because I found a community and some new friends that understand me and understand my journey.

I feel at home here. Like I am among equals.

I dont know if this helps but I also went through a porno phase. I've been abused, the last thing I wanted to feel was like I was using or abusing another human being (a female, Im straight). So I watched porn and wanked alot.

However, the further down the road I have come I can relate to women better, I feel at ease with my desires and have found a wife who also feels COMPLETELY at ease with my desires!! (as I am with hers)

When I used porn it wasn't about objectifying women, it was about getting my rocks of as quick as possible. Thats something I picked up from my abuser, it took me a long time work through it. I figured out with girlfriends and finally my wife that my desires are normal and I dont need to rush anything (like my abuser had to).

Its a long and winding road, we all tread the same path but our route to the same goal (healing) is different.

Keep working at it, we are all here for each other. Peace and good luck.

 

[roadrunner]

Brad,

I smiled when I saw the beginning of your post. I felt the same way when I showed up here! I thought wow, I'm not alone. I'll figure this out in a few weeks and presto chango, all fixed up.

WRONG! It doesn take a lot of work and a lot of time, and we have to remember we are trying to change ways of thinking that were branded in our souls by extreme trauma and left there to fester for years. That's not going to be fixed in the short term.

You ask a really good question: How do we know we are growing or healing? One thing I have noticed is that healing proceeds at a tiny subtle pace and often we don't think anything is happening at all. But then I will suddenly realize, hey, I don't think such and such anymore, or hey, it has been two weeks (instead of two days) since I last had a flashback. And so on.

Brad, one thing that might help you is to keep a journal. Keep it in a passworded file even if you feel 100% safe with those around you; this way you will feel able to say anything you feel. After a month or so look back and read what you have written, and I bet you will see many places where you will say, hey, that's not how I see it anymore! And so on.

But also be prepared for long periods when nothing seems to be happening. Sometimes we are just processing things and preparing for the next big step. But THAT is progress as well.

It is important to see progress, even if it seems like just little victories, and I think we can all find our ways to profit from these signs that we can heal and are in fact doing so.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Kid A]

Brad,
The cliche, two steps forward one step back, defifnetely has seemed true to me regarding recovery. Sometimes it feels more like one step forward two steps back. It is a fight and does take work, but its not a fight that can be done by sheer willpower alone. For me, recovery has involved a great deal of patience. In the very beggining, one of the most helpful things was realizing the limitations of all or nothing thinking. Once I noticed how I did this I was better able to see the subtleties in recovery and in life.