Recovering Some Horrible Memories (Triggers)


I know that I was likely abused by a priest who I don't remember at all, despite being an altar boy for the entire time he was at my parish. I know that a woman in her 30's exposing herself to me every Friday from the ages of 12-17 when I collected on my paper route was abusive. I also know that I was sexualized as a child before those things happened.

One of the assignments I did for my therapist recently was to write about my “arousal template”, the types of porn and people I acted out with. I’m not a child of the internet era, so porn wasn’t readily available to me until I turned 16 and got a license. That’s when I started buying adult magazines at a 7-11 two towns over and going to adult bookstores and theaters.

*********** Triggers follow*********************
What I saw in Penthouse and Playboy and movies in the theaters and bookstores certainly aroused me...but I didn't obsess over them. The women were young, fit, well groomed if not shaved. What I became obsessed with were the magazines in the adult bookstores of older and overweight women. I visited video booths in Times Square with hard core German Porn, full of unshaved overweight women in their 40’s and 50’s. Some showed these women peeing outdoors, many showed them abusing men, urinating on them, and sitting on their faces.

Right after college when I discovered swingers, the women I acted out with were in their 50's and 60's, overweight, usually unshaved, and often dominant.

Writing this for my therapist has brought back memories that I really don't want to face. My mother had no boundaries around nudity with me. She would undress when she bathed me in the tub until I was six or seven. After that she would come into the bathroom when I was in the tub and undress and pee in front of me. When I was 10 or so she changed a feminine hygiene product in front of me, and told me boys shouldn’t see that so I shouldn’t tell anyone. She never respected my privacy in the bathroom. If I was using the toilet she would come in and shower. If I was in the shower she would come in undress and use the toilet. The last time I saw her naked I was 13 or 14. I was masturbating to the Sears Catalog Lingerie section while sitting on the toilet and she walked in to shower She made a comment about me obviously not needing the toilet and to get up so she could pee. It was impossible to hide my arousal. She made a comment about how it was disgusting. I don’t know what changed in her mind that day, but she stopped being naked around me and rarely came into the bathroom while I was showering.

I have no memories of physical contact between my mother and I…but I still have fears around how I knew certain things before I was 12. My first sexual experience with a girl was when I was around 11 or 12 and she was 15. I gave her oral sex...she didn't coach me, I knew HOW to give her oral sex.
John, writing this out was an act of extreme bravery. Excellent job.
I'm very, very sorry those things happened to you. They were in no way your fault.
What a wonderful exercise your therapist gave you... you've created a clear portrait of what triggered you as a boy, the first traumatic experiences. This is powerful. Thanks for sharing it... and yes, I remember the Sears catalogue which stirred my juices as well.