Recovering from neglect...Any ideas

[martin]

Hello All,

I have come to realize that one of the most damaging and pernicious results of my childhood was the neglect and loneliness, even more than the physical and sexual abuse. Or at least thats what I think at the moment.

Always in my childhood from my earliest memories there were vast spaces of time where I was left alone to deal with things on my own. No attention from parents, siblings, friends etc... Partially it was a defense staying away from people that could hurt or violate me. Partially, maybe mostly, it was just neglect from my parents.

It left me feeling insignificant and invisible, like I didn't exist at all. I learned to make it through eventually coming to believe that I didn't need people or want people in my life. I learned to treat myself as invisible.

Of course I do want people in my life, do want intimacy, friendship and camraderie. I just haven't developed the skills or relationships to acheive this.

The pernicious part of neglect is that it is self-sustaining. I see that many times in the past I have neglected myself. There is also the feelings of feeling undeserving of help, friendship, etc... leading to shame and low self-esteem.

The problem is I have never seem anything, recovery literature, websites, groups, methods. etc... specifically devoted to dealing with feelings of neglect and loneliness. As I believe it is a problem that affects many of us here and indeed many people in general, i find it surprising that there is not more discussion on the topic.

Maybe its just assumed that loneliness and so forth are symptoms of other problems that will go away when the causes are resolved? I don't know.

I was just wondering if anyone has found any info specifically dealing with neglect and loneliness?

I've done somethings, tried to do some volunteer work but it fell through.

Just wondering, thanks

Aaron

 

[unknownsoldier]

Hello Aaron and Jeff,
I think this is a really important subject. I was also left on my own a lot. I don't have any answers. A few years ago, when I was having a hard time, I really started to believe that people just really couldn't see me as much as they could see other people. I did understand that it wasn't really true, and yet I couldn't shake the feeling.
I don't think we are to blame for never learning or having the experience of connecting to people, but I have noticed recently how sometimes the way I act contributes to the pproblem. for instance, if I'm in a group of people, and I don't ever say anything, chances are no one is going to say anything to me. I know this is sort of obvious, but it is the kind of thing I get caught up in when I'm trying to be social. It kills me when I hear someone talk about their life and they are so connected with family and friends and community. It seems impossible to me that I will ever have anything like that. I don't know.
take care,
Jim

 

[unknownsoldier]

Hello Jeff,

Quote:
"Eye Contact. When I was younger, I couldn't do it. I was ashamed and had to look somewhere else to hide away. When I discovered I was able to make eye contact, I noticed a dramatic increase in the vibrancy of the conversations and a bond and a connection were built"

Good for you for mastering the eye contact. I still have a lot of trouble with that, it makes me really uneasy, although it is getting better. I think you're right, it does help.

Another thing that is getting better is that I used to feel like I was "wrong" all the time. So I couldn't think of anything to say because it seemed like anything I would say would be stupid. Now that I'm getting why I felt like that, I don't feel like I have to censor everthing I say. Like you said:

Quote:
"Sometimes I wonder if I make myself invisible because there have been things in my life I would rather not have the crowd know. So I keep my mouth shut."

I guess that's what this board is for, we don't have to keep our mouths shut anymore.

Take care,

Jim