Recognizing My Mother Was My First Abuser (Triggers)
Through journaling and EMDR I’m able to recall much more about my mother’s abuse. It pains me to call it abuse, it never clicked with me that what she did was abusive, because there was never any contact between us. I chalked it up to her being open with nudity (she made it a point of telling my wife the first time they met that she had always slept in the nude and don’t be alarmed if she got up during the night to use the bathroom, sometimes she forgot to put on a robe when guests stayed over).
In reality, she was an aggressive exhibitionist and voyeur, and as I got older I sought and welcomed some of her behavior.
***** Triggering Examples*********
My mother had no boundaries around nudity, hers or mine. She would never close the door to the bathroom when she was using it, or allow me to lock it when I was in the bathroom (since we only had one bathroom sometimes “we had to share” she said.) All of these are post pubescent incidents. She did these things around and to...her 13 year old son, and repeated it often until I was 17.
My mother would sit across from me on the sofa in a short nightgown with nothing underneath and casually spread her legs, so I could see her genitals. She would come into the bathroom when I was getting out of the shower and undress in front of me to get ready to shower. Often she would sit on the toilet and urinate, with her legs spread so I could see. Often I would become aroused and be embarrassed that she could see. I would attempt to cover up early on, but she told me that she had seen my penis every day since I was born, I didn't have to be embarrassed by her seeing it now.
She would come into the bathroom while I was sitting on the toilet to take a bath. In the two feet of space between the toilet and tub she would bend over to run her bath, completely exposing her genitals to me at eye level. I know she could see I was aroused.
I have memories of coming home from school and seeing her bottomless on he bed with he legs and genitals spread masturbating. I believe she knew I was watching. I believe that she would also stand outside of my room and watch me masturbate.
In reality, she was an aggressive exhibitionist and voyeur, and as I got older I sought and welcomed some of her behavior.
***** Triggering Examples*********
My mother had no boundaries around nudity, hers or mine. She would never close the door to the bathroom when she was using it, or allow me to lock it when I was in the bathroom (since we only had one bathroom sometimes “we had to share” she said.) All of these are post pubescent incidents. She did these things around and to...her 13 year old son, and repeated it often until I was 17.
My mother would sit across from me on the sofa in a short nightgown with nothing underneath and casually spread her legs, so I could see her genitals. She would come into the bathroom when I was getting out of the shower and undress in front of me to get ready to shower. Often she would sit on the toilet and urinate, with her legs spread so I could see. Often I would become aroused and be embarrassed that she could see. I would attempt to cover up early on, but she told me that she had seen my penis every day since I was born, I didn't have to be embarrassed by her seeing it now.
She would come into the bathroom while I was sitting on the toilet to take a bath. In the two feet of space between the toilet and tub she would bend over to run her bath, completely exposing her genitals to me at eye level. I know she could see I was aroused.
I have memories of coming home from school and seeing her bottomless on he bed with he legs and genitals spread masturbating. I believe she knew I was watching. I believe that she would also stand outside of my room and watch me masturbate.
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