Reclaiming the past (trigger?)
I seldom go back to my country of origin (France), I get physically sick if I do and that's without even visiting family. In the past 10 years I have only been there about 5 times. And it is becoming apparant to me that I need somehow to reclaim my origins. I left when I was 17 because of CSA and also because my parents did not want to look after me any more. I was running away from the abuse, it was the only thing I could do at the time. I was running for my life. I am very happy living in the UK and yet sometimes I feel like I am in exile, as if it was me the criminal rather than the perps who abused me.
I went to visit a friend in Paris a couple of years ago and I almost took a train to a town where I experienced my first abuse aged 9 but chickened out (a shop assistant dragged me to a changing cabin and molested me, my aunt who was supposed to look after me did not even bother checking where I had disappeared to). It's on mind a lot though and wonder if it would be a good thing to go back there one day.
I also have thoughts quite often about going back to the park where I was abused aged 13, just walk around and see how I feel. A few weeks ago I even checked on the internet to see if could find pictures of this park. In my mind it feels as it would be like visiting a grave, pay my respects to the parts of me that were "murdered". I do think that the perps who abused me were sexual, spiritual and emotional murderers.
It's very unlikely that I will ever go back to live in France, I have all my life here in the UK, but I think I need to recreate a healthy relationship between myself and France. This is theory, I don't know how I can make it work in practice.
Salut les gars!
Heart
I went to visit a friend in Paris a couple of years ago and I almost took a train to a town where I experienced my first abuse aged 9 but chickened out (a shop assistant dragged me to a changing cabin and molested me, my aunt who was supposed to look after me did not even bother checking where I had disappeared to). It's on mind a lot though and wonder if it would be a good thing to go back there one day.
I also have thoughts quite often about going back to the park where I was abused aged 13, just walk around and see how I feel. A few weeks ago I even checked on the internet to see if could find pictures of this park. In my mind it feels as it would be like visiting a grave, pay my respects to the parts of me that were "murdered". I do think that the perps who abused me were sexual, spiritual and emotional murderers.
It's very unlikely that I will ever go back to live in France, I have all my life here in the UK, but I think I need to recreate a healthy relationship between myself and France. This is theory, I don't know how I can make it work in practice.
Salut les gars!
Heart