Reclaiming Positive Sexuality.
I LEARNED TO ATTACH SEXUAL PLEASURE TO INTENSE SHAME WHILE GROWING UP. WHAT I NEEDED WAS TO BE LOVED, NOT ABUSED AND TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF. LATER IN LIFE I ACTED OUT SEXUALLY(AS I WAS TAUGHT) WITH MEN, FOR SEVERAL YEARS, AS PART OF A DOUBLE LIFE. WHAT I GOT OUT OF BEHAVING THAT WAY WAS SELF- CONTEMPT. THIS PUSHED ME TO ACT OUT MORE THUS FURTHER ENDANGERING THE WELL-BEING OF MYSELFAND THE WELL-BEING OF MY FAMILY(WIFE AND KIDS).
I LIVED AND BREATHED THIS SELF-CONTEMPT. IT WAS WITH ME WHEN I WOKE AND WHEN I WENT TO BED. THE LAST I HAD A FAMILY AS A CHILD WAS WHEN THE SEXUAL ABUSE HAPPENED. MY BROTHER WAS NO LONGER A BROTHER IN THE SENSE IT WAS SUPOSSED TO BE. MY MOTHER WAS A SEXUAL AGGRESSOR NOT MY PROTECTOR. I BELIEVE SOME OF MY ACTING OUT WAS ABOUT TRYING TO BE BACK WITH MY MOTHER AND BROTHER BEFORE THINGS BEGAN TO HAPPEN, AS IF I WAS GOING TO GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME( LIKE IT WAS MY FAULT). I STILL NEEDED A MOTHER AND A BIG BROTHER.
I BELIEVE I READ THIS QUOTE IN A BOOK ,BY JOHN BRADSHAW TITLED ,"HEALING THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU", THAT IT IS LIKE "GOING TO A HARDWARE STORE FOR A GALLON OF MILK. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU GO BACK TO THE HARDWARE STORE YOU ARENT GOING TO FIND A GALLON OF MILK." I BELIEVE ONE DEFINITION OF INSANITY IS DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND BELIEVE THAT THIS TIME WILL SOMEHOW BE DIFFERENT. THAT SHOE HAS CERTAINLY FIT ME.
TO DIRTY ANOTHER WILLING PARTNER. HERE WAS MY POISONOUS ANGER.
ONE NIGHT WHEN I WAS COMPULSIVELY GOING OUT CRUISING . I BEGAN TO THINK ABOUT THE NOTION OF THE CHILD WITHIN. WITH SOME CYNICISM I SAID TO THE CHILD WITHIN ME, " BOBBY WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO ?". HERE SOMETHING VERY UNEXPECTED HAPPENED. I WAS SUDDENLY FILLED WITH FEAR AND A TEARFULVOICE FROM DEEP WITHIN ME SAID ALOUD," I WANT TO GO HOME, I DONT WANT TO DO THIS ANY MORE THEN SCREAMING I SAID AGAIN I DONT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE". I HAD TO PULL OFF THE ROAD AND CONTINUED TO CRY FOR ABOUT A HALF AN HOUR. I TURNED AROUND AND WENT HOME. THAT NIGHT WAS THE BEGINNING OF CHANGE FOR ME AND MY BEHAVIOR.
I HAVE DONE VOLUNTEER WORK WITH MEN WHO ARE ABUSIVE IN THEIR RELATIONSHIPS FOR 18 YEARS. CALLING THEM ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS CONTINUED TO CAUSE ME TO TAKE A LOOK AT HOW I TREAT MYSELF WITH DISRESPECT.
------NUFF FOR NOW IM GETTING EXHAUSTED
-------------------------------- BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELVES YOU DESERVE IT
--------------------------------------------------------------------- RJD
I LIVED AND BREATHED THIS SELF-CONTEMPT. IT WAS WITH ME WHEN I WOKE AND WHEN I WENT TO BED. THE LAST I HAD A FAMILY AS A CHILD WAS WHEN THE SEXUAL ABUSE HAPPENED. MY BROTHER WAS NO LONGER A BROTHER IN THE SENSE IT WAS SUPOSSED TO BE. MY MOTHER WAS A SEXUAL AGGRESSOR NOT MY PROTECTOR. I BELIEVE SOME OF MY ACTING OUT WAS ABOUT TRYING TO BE BACK WITH MY MOTHER AND BROTHER BEFORE THINGS BEGAN TO HAPPEN, AS IF I WAS GOING TO GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME( LIKE IT WAS MY FAULT). I STILL NEEDED A MOTHER AND A BIG BROTHER.
I BELIEVE I READ THIS QUOTE IN A BOOK ,BY JOHN BRADSHAW TITLED ,"HEALING THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU", THAT IT IS LIKE "GOING TO A HARDWARE STORE FOR A GALLON OF MILK. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU GO BACK TO THE HARDWARE STORE YOU ARENT GOING TO FIND A GALLON OF MILK." I BELIEVE ONE DEFINITION OF INSANITY IS DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND BELIEVE THAT THIS TIME WILL SOMEHOW BE DIFFERENT. THAT SHOE HAS CERTAINLY FIT ME.
TO DIRTY ANOTHER WILLING PARTNER. HERE WAS MY POISONOUS ANGER.
ONE NIGHT WHEN I WAS COMPULSIVELY GOING OUT CRUISING . I BEGAN TO THINK ABOUT THE NOTION OF THE CHILD WITHIN. WITH SOME CYNICISM I SAID TO THE CHILD WITHIN ME, " BOBBY WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO ?". HERE SOMETHING VERY UNEXPECTED HAPPENED. I WAS SUDDENLY FILLED WITH FEAR AND A TEARFULVOICE FROM DEEP WITHIN ME SAID ALOUD," I WANT TO GO HOME, I DONT WANT TO DO THIS ANY MORE THEN SCREAMING I SAID AGAIN I DONT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE". I HAD TO PULL OFF THE ROAD AND CONTINUED TO CRY FOR ABOUT A HALF AN HOUR. I TURNED AROUND AND WENT HOME. THAT NIGHT WAS THE BEGINNING OF CHANGE FOR ME AND MY BEHAVIOR.
I HAVE DONE VOLUNTEER WORK WITH MEN WHO ARE ABUSIVE IN THEIR RELATIONSHIPS FOR 18 YEARS. CALLING THEM ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS CONTINUED TO CAUSE ME TO TAKE A LOOK AT HOW I TREAT MYSELF WITH DISRESPECT.
------NUFF FOR NOW IM GETTING EXHAUSTED
-------------------------------- BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELVES YOU DESERVE IT
--------------------------------------------------------------------- RJD