Reclaiming Positive Sexuality.

[RJD]

I LEARNED TO ATTACH SEXUAL PLEASURE TO INTENSE SHAME WHILE GROWING UP. WHAT I NEEDED WAS TO BE LOVED, NOT ABUSED AND TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF. LATER IN LIFE I ACTED OUT SEXUALLY(AS I WAS TAUGHT) WITH MEN, FOR SEVERAL YEARS, AS PART OF A DOUBLE LIFE. WHAT I GOT OUT OF BEHAVING THAT WAY WAS SELF- CONTEMPT. THIS PUSHED ME TO ACT OUT MORE THUS FURTHER ENDANGERING THE WELL-BEING OF MYSELFAND THE WELL-BEING OF MY FAMILY(WIFE AND KIDS).
I LIVED AND BREATHED THIS SELF-CONTEMPT. IT WAS WITH ME WHEN I WOKE AND WHEN I WENT TO BED. THE LAST I HAD A FAMILY AS A CHILD WAS WHEN THE SEXUAL ABUSE HAPPENED. MY BROTHER WAS NO LONGER A BROTHER IN THE SENSE IT WAS SUPOSSED TO BE. MY MOTHER WAS A SEXUAL AGGRESSOR NOT MY PROTECTOR. I BELIEVE SOME OF MY ACTING OUT WAS ABOUT TRYING TO BE BACK WITH MY MOTHER AND BROTHER BEFORE THINGS BEGAN TO HAPPEN, AS IF I WAS GOING TO GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME( LIKE IT WAS MY FAULT). I STILL NEEDED A MOTHER AND A BIG BROTHER.

I BELIEVE I READ THIS QUOTE IN A BOOK ,BY JOHN BRADSHAW TITLED ,"HEALING THE SHAME THAT BINDS YOU", THAT IT IS LIKE "GOING TO A HARDWARE STORE FOR A GALLON OF MILK. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU GO BACK TO THE HARDWARE STORE YOU ARENT GOING TO FIND A GALLON OF MILK." I BELIEVE ONE DEFINITION OF INSANITY IS DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND BELIEVE THAT THIS TIME WILL SOMEHOW BE DIFFERENT. THAT SHOE HAS CERTAINLY FIT ME.
TO DIRTY ANOTHER WILLING PARTNER. HERE WAS MY POISONOUS ANGER.
ONE NIGHT WHEN I WAS COMPULSIVELY GOING OUT CRUISING . I BEGAN TO THINK ABOUT THE NOTION OF THE CHILD WITHIN. WITH SOME CYNICISM I SAID TO THE CHILD WITHIN ME, " BOBBY WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO ?". HERE SOMETHING VERY UNEXPECTED HAPPENED. I WAS SUDDENLY FILLED WITH FEAR AND A TEARFULVOICE FROM DEEP WITHIN ME SAID ALOUD," I WANT TO GO HOME, I DONT WANT TO DO THIS ANY MORE THEN SCREAMING I SAID AGAIN I DONT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE". I HAD TO PULL OFF THE ROAD AND CONTINUED TO CRY FOR ABOUT A HALF AN HOUR. I TURNED AROUND AND WENT HOME. THAT NIGHT WAS THE BEGINNING OF CHANGE FOR ME AND MY BEHAVIOR.
I HAVE DONE VOLUNTEER WORK WITH MEN WHO ARE ABUSIVE IN THEIR RELATIONSHIPS FOR 18 YEARS. CALLING THEM ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS CONTINUED TO CAUSE ME TO TAKE A LOOK AT HOW I TREAT MYSELF WITH DISRESPECT.
------NUFF FOR NOW IM GETTING EXHAUSTED
-------------------------------- BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELVES YOU DESERVE IT
--------------------------------------------------------------------- RJD

 

RJD,

Wow! Listening to and protecting that little boy within is such a powerful way of nrturing yourself. What a gift to reach a turning point in your recovery. I know it isn't easy, but reading between the lines that you've written, I see HOPE in big letters. This is inspiring to me, personally. Thanks, Bobby.

Dynamite Don

 

[Just Call me J]

I'm really exhausted (my best friend/pillar of support just returned from vacation, so we talked for a few hours tonight), so I won't go into everything on my mind, but I'll hit some hightlights.

As murky as this whole situation was, your post did a lot to balance out all the conflicting emotions I've had. Thanks. You make a lot of sense about passivity when it comes to sex (not that the issue has come up much in my life).

That said, Big Bear's post really did force me to confront my own responsibility. And that was an important roadblock to healing from this. I am really amazed that I don't still hang onto the anger at her, because it has been present for so long.

When I say taking responsibility, by the way, I do not mean "to take the BLAME," just the responsibility for my actions, and the consequences from them. Broken windows and slashed tires were not the consequences of my actions (this thought just occurred to me, so I'll have to continue reminding myself that this insight is correct). A husband who was hurt emotionally by his wife's betrayal (and who is rightly responsible for the vandalism) was the consequence. If she hadn't found me, she would have found someone else, of this I'm sure. But she found me, and I had a part in what happened. I really do feel sorry for the husband (he's the one that was married to her, after all).

Trusting my own instincts was another important lesson from all this, because my gut feelings were giving me all kinds of red flags, telling me to leave the situation. I rationalized them all away, because I thought, "that's ridiculous; she can't really want to do that." My trust issues tend to run the opposite direction of most people here; I trust too willingly. So I will take someone at their word, even if their actions contradict it. I've learned a lot through my work to build up my BS-detector.

The followup talk with Angela, in which she came to me for support after her husband "found out" was very surreal. I was able to see her for who she was; I could see all the lies, and the manipulation that she attempted. And because I could see it, and know that I was right, it was very easy for me to say "no" to her after that. I felt very vindicated by that.

I think that those "low-level indicators" were what chased me off from the girl I most recently dated. She started doing stuff that struck me as very manipulative (playing on/off with her interest in me). I didn't like being tossed like a yoyo, so I got slower and slower in responding to her emails and phone calls. Since this coincided with the revelation of my abuse, I just bowed out, claiming I needed to get my own shit together, before I would be ready for any kind of relationship (half-truth/half lie; I didn't say that I thought she was playing me, and I wasn't about to tell her the whole story of why I had been emotionally distant).

Incidentally, as I scan through my post here, and edit things out, I find that I am getting angrier with Angela again. I'm not completely sure that it's personal anger (I hope not; I was beginning to like being over this whole mess). I believe that this stems from all this talk of manipulation. Manipulators have always been one of my hot-button issues, that has always raised my hackles. I found this all the way back to movies I saw in jr high, with manipulative characters, and the kids I have had the toughest time working with are the ones who always try to get around what I tell them.

Egads, for someone who claimed to be exhausted, I sure wrote alot anyway (I had intended a 1/4 mile post, not a 1/2 mile one). I guess I just need to raise the bar for ya, Urso! Heh heh heh!

Good night all!

Jeremy
We're in this together.

 

Originally posted by artistic_david:
Hey David.
I experience sexual dysfunction too. Its like, everythings set and I feel like having sex and then when its time to actually become erect it doesn't happen. The feeling of desire is there though. Its funny, because there are all these instances where i could have had sex and I think about it a lot, and each time I'll go through the effort of playing the game until I end up in bed with a woman and then I don't get erect.

 

[Redswami]

Well, first I want to say how grateful I am for this site and everyone's honesty in participating. It's somewhat difficult for me to feel 100% connected over the internet, but nonetheless, reading your words does have connection with me.

I rspond to this question because at times it seems the biggest issue for me. I am young, 22 years old, and in my youth, I struggle so much with my own pressure to want to be "normal". I was sexually abused by an older uncle and cousin, one 2 years older the othre 5 years older, from teh time I was 7 until 15. My sister was also abused, thoguh for a shorter time. This year is the first time I've had flashbacks. I always assumed I woudl have no use for flashing back because I remembered that I was abused. But, this year was also the first time I realized that I only began my memories from the age of 12 or so, a time well into the abuse set-up. By this point I was pretty much having to go to my perpetrators houses and seek the abusive encounter. At times, it would not begin unless I asked for it. I have believed that I wanted the abuse, that it was my fault.

When I was young I was fondled in a public restroom, and learning about the environment, began to seek out sexual encounters. Between the actual abuse, pornography, and seeking out these encounters I was engulfed in unhealthy sexuality, and really confused and angry. The summer before my sophmore year of college I "came out" that I was gay, and lived as openly gay for a year. I had dated girls throughout high school and even moved to college with one I'd had for a long time. All the while I'd also been compulsiveley acting out in secret. At first, I tried "dating" but found that I had no interest in getting personal with men, ending all of the "relationships" within a couple weeks. Well maybe 3 weeks, with one entire week of avoidance first. Then I went right to one-night stands. This past summer I fell in love with a friend of mine at school. she has thrown the biggest wrench in my gears. I realize now that my flashbacks this year were necessary because as I began to question the beliefs I had formed about myself and my sexuality and my capacity to look for and find love, I was brought to remembering the abuse as I never had. I bgan having extremely intense flashbacks that had less to do with actual images (though sometimes there were) and more to do with feeling afraid for my life, unable to stop a monster force, and would make my body shake, tense, keel over, and sometimes fall to the ground. They came first when all fo my friends went home for thanksgiving break and I was alone. I was rememebring the abuse in a way I never had before. As I truly felt in the situation... as I truly felt in the times I was 14telling grown men that I was in fact 18 so that they would molest me... as I truly felt each time I would leave a person's house I'd just slept with and would tell myselfover and over how I never wanted to do it again.

For the first 8 months of our relationship I was visciously struggling within myself. My questioning and fear and anxiety nearly drove her away fom me for good a few times. We are still together and while I have found a bit more ease in teh relationship I still struggle. I face the thoguhts that I was in fact taught about sexuality well before I was ready. A male-to-male sexually was forced onto me. I used all of the normal incongruent assumptions- beliving that since I became aroused and felt pleasure I enjoyed and wanted the abuse. I believed that if it were happening to me than my sister would be safe. I walk around with a disturbing compulsive and obsessive pattern of seeing men and envisioning them with large penis', seeing them as more powerful and manly than me. I see straight men comfortable in their bodies and I am jealous and envious. I have sex with my girlfriend and am critical of my performance... confused my the new felings that come up... so so worried that I'm not doing something right or not feeling the right things that a "real straight-guy" would feel... at times depressed by my sense that without the feelings of danger and disassociation fo feelings, intimate loving sex is less than. It's ben months now since I've acted out wiht anyone. I am just beginning to look at an addictive use of online pornography to act out. I am grateful that it does not endanger my partner's or my health, but it is certainly becoming a problem for the maintanance of my life. I get so afraid of not being "normal" I rememebr being in Jr. high and thinking that I couldn't be with girls because normal guys didn't know the things I knew and hadn't done anything like I had with guys... and that if a girl found out she wouldn't want me anyways. I've since had times of really key "truth" within myelf about the situation. There is much les doubt in me as to the validity of this expereince, but I still am plagued by these intrusive thoughts and images. This overwhelming thought that every guy out there is more powerful than me because he is bigger and stronger. My girlfriend has said once that she is sometimes intimadated beign with me because she things I am so attractive, what do I do with that if I feel so awful about myself inside and can't credit myself healthily for my outside. the worst thing is having sex with her and running a derogatory monologue in my head. Trying so hard to be present and be there with her...

I feel so cheated. I know in my head that the abuse was not my fault. I know in a degree of me heart. I still know that much of me still clings to those old beliefs and limitations on myself. As I started looing at this issue I rememebr days when I woudl be so sad and feel so helpless adn lost- I felt as if I was a barn door or something with paint chipping off... only underneath the paint was nothing, not even the original material painted on. I had formed my life around things forced on me! Who and what was underneath?!

My sexuality is at least as safe as it has ever been, and has brought me moments of better pleasure than I've ever known and been able to sit with after. The immediacy of sex with an anonymous man is a mirage like temptation in my mind. I never want to act on it, but it calls out to at least try and pull me away from being present with my girlfriend. It pisses me off. I'm young, I want to be able to have a meaningful and fun sexual time with her. I feel let down for myself and at times like such a failure for her.

The biggest thing I've gained awareness of in teh pst month or so, is seeing this healing as a process. I'm impatient and oftern too critical of my progress. Having the faith to accept that both the mountains and valleys of this work are necessary and watched over is tough, but what little I know of it has helped tremendously. I am scared though. At times, it feels so big.

Thanks,
redswami

 

[Ken Followell]

Redswami,

Your words are so powerful. I am sorry for all the pain and confusion you have endured. I wish you well in your healing as you learn to love this woman in your life. Our abuse screws with our minds in such a profound level that we question everything and alll we do.

Thank you for sharing this here.

Ken

 

[Lloydy]

Redswami
I read your post days ago, along with all the ones before. And it's been on my mind a lot.
I'm nearly 49, over twice your age, but we've followed a similar path from abuse through acting out. Wondering about our sexuality and then finding it doesn't work properly when we try.
It's a bitter disapointment to get "through" recovery, stop acting out and then discover that masturbation is the only way for me to have any sex. A big part of my problem could well be the effect of boarding school and being seperated from my family, obviously being abused while there made it worse, but that kind of deprivation makes someone resist affection for the rest of their lives, abuse does as well.
Maybe being abused by family members has the same effect, rejection of affection later in life.
And I think that sexual relationships NEED displayed affection. I love my wife dearly, but I find it so hard to hold her hand as we walk or give her a hug. Kissing and being intimate is harder than hell, when we do have sex ( make love ? ) I choose a position where my body has the least contact with hers. It kills me, then I start to go limp, so I kick off a fantasy about acting out with other men. I feel even worse about that and it ends in tears.
She understands, she know just how much I love her. But for me knowing "why" hasn't helped me much with this problem yet, maybe it will. I want to get this important bit of our life back.
I hope you do as well, it's so good to see guys starting recovery at your age.
At my age I'm having my mid life crisis as well !!!
Lloydy