David,
As you read in my other post, I said that I'm pretty much asexual. While all my friends talk of getting hard-ons over seeing a beautiful woman, I stand back, and admire her beauty. If I see a REALLY incredible woman, the feeling *I* get is in my gut, almost like heartache, rather than the rush of blood to the groin.
I also have been a crossdresser since a young age (actively since 14), and that is the activity that provokes the most obvious sexual interest for me. For years, I just assumed that I was weird, and that there really was no hope of being "normal."
Before I ever had the courage to crossdress in real life, I had some "experiments" (3 or 4 times, in a few week time period) with another boy in my classes. It amounted to some groping, and attempted mutual masturbation (I didn't get aroused), but it didn't really interest me. And we never talked of the activities again. And we continued through 4 more years of high school sharing classes.
And then I met this really amazing young lady, and, at the tender age of 21, I had my first kiss. And I got a hard-on! It was a beautiful moment, in the streetlight, with this girl I really dug on, and the thought that ran through my head was, "Thank God!! I'm normal after all!"
Things never really worked out with her, though. She went on to marry someone else (a great guy), and I'm afraid to say I've lost touch with her now, though she was a really great friend for 2 years until we lost touch.
Anyway, move on 5 years, to when this friend of a friend shows up at my doorstop to say, "My husband is out of town. I'm bored. Come over." And as an afterthought, "Bring a toothbrush." I tried to convince myself that it would all be innocent (she simply wanted company), even though a large part of me said, "I'm probably going to get laid, at last!" I was a virgin at this point.
Long story short, though I held strong for about 4 hours (after putting her kids to bed), I eventually gave into her seduction, and slept with a married woman. She did all the work, made all the moves. I just let it happen. And when we kissed, I got my most sexual interest. The rest of the sex wasn't that great. I remember going through the motions, and thinking to myself, "I couldn't care less about her."
The next morning, with God's flashlight (the sun) shining straight in my eyes, the full impact of what happened sank in. She wanted me to stick around, and be her "man on the side," but I remained firm, and didn't do anything else with her. And spent the next several months going through a lot of self-loathing over breaking one of my most important personal vows (monogomy is VERY important to me, and by being the "other man" I violated that). I ended up growing from that experience, though I still get moments of getting down on myself about it. I did come away with the opinion that I have no interest in sex, just for sex' sake. I only want to sleep with someone I actually care about.
The woman I was dating in the weeks before my flashback, was someone that my friend set me up with. I didn't feel anything for her at first, but figured I would give it more time. Eventually, I started to warm up to her, and then I had to deal with some of her "games" and crap that seem to be par for the course of dating nowadays. I couldn't tell if she actually liked me or not, because whenever I thought she did, she would indicate she didn't (or worse, say that *I* didn't). So imagine my surprise when she called me up, and began to describe a fantasy, and it amounted to phone sex. I got somewhat aroused, but the whole episode kinda freaked me out. Since I had my flashback about 10 days later, I just broke it off with her.
The night that I had my flashback, I was in serious need of having someone being comforting and nururing (I saw myself as a very little boy), and my best friend, a lesbian, kept her arms around me. By the time we all needed to sleep, she asked if I wanted to be alone, or have company, and I said that I wanted company. So I slept in the same bed as her, and we spooned together, and slept with our arms around each other. I've had a crush on her for a few years now, so I got immediate arousal, which I did my best to ignore.
Later in the week, we talked all night again, and I stayed the night. We talked about our feelings for each other, and how it was a bad idea (she's vulnerable because her girlfriend died 2 months ago, I'm vulnerable, well, duh), to act on it, but we both admitted that we do love each other deeply.
So, we slept in the same bed together, keeping our arms around each other, and I had to make a conscious effort not to get aroused. Since I DO have deep feelings for her, it is a turn-on to be intimate with her. And that is messing with my head a bit. I mentioned that in one of my posts before I left on my vacation.
We talked again, after I got back from my vacation, and I said how it was a bad idea to "sleep together" (in the literal sense), because I'm having trouble keeping my feelings separate. I put the thought into words, (and she agreed) if we DID get together, I felt like it was a chance that we could be "normal." And she has a lot lesbian pride, so it pisses her off that she would actually feel that way ("normal" over being in a straight relationship). Perhaps it is meaningful that it was a discussion of the movie Chasing Amy (about a straight guy falling in love with a lesbian, who in turn realizes that she really is in love with him too) that led to her coming out to me in the first place.
Or not.
Anyway, here's another of my patented mile-long posts.
Now that I've said all that, David, my short answer is: Sexual dysfunction? Yes! I chalked it up to my crossdressing for most of my life. Now I see it more a product of a lack of emotional intimacy.
J
We're all in this together.
