Recent thoughts, feelings, and some truths **triggers
Healing light
Registrant
**I want to start this post with saying that I won't be talking politics **
The point of the post is my challenges with my identity and the impact on my healing journey
I'm not sure if anyone else has experienced similar to me
Key areas:
* my parents are from two separate ethnic minoritys
* I was born in the 80s raised in my paternal family but I look like my maternal family so stood out
*my paternal grandmother had extreme beliefs and ideologies and was not happy with my father's choice to marry outside of his culture
*my main abuser wanted me to be just like him
*I was raised Catholic and struggled with my sexual identity
*three separate cultural influences
* experienced coercive control and abuses until my disclosure to police in my late 20's
*my abuse being perpetrated by "family members"
There's probably more that's impacted but those are the key areas covered in therapy so far
It's 10+ years since I disclosed and it's in those years that iv been free to look at and develop my identity further
As we approach Christmas again a time of year that I often feel unsettled with regards to my identity and start to get anxious about managing another "family" orientated time of year I want to lay some foundations for dealing with it better
Neither side of my family are truly accommodating of the other or truly understand what it's like to be me
And they have some conflicting traditions, beliefs and cultures.
It's got to the point now where I'm done trying to help them accommodate each other and I'm concentrating on solidifying my identity and them accepting that as being the way it is , is how I'm feeling right now
I have been asked by one member of my maternal family why family time has a schedule this year when usually they can just pop on by.
I have politely replied saying that refereeing family time takes up to much mental energy for me especially when I'm trying to enjoy time with my children.
The reply was
"I see, yes you have to prioritise the children. It feels a little uncomfortable and official but it's cool call me to schedule
"
Absolutely nothing said about me playing referee year after year and my attempts to help them accommodate each other
Just to add balance
Here's an example of a reply from my paternal family member when told exactly the same thing
" like come on, we will play nice with each other I promise! You worry to much sometimes but if this is how you want to roll I dibs X date and time please."
They don't play nice though and neither side is innocent in it.
In the middle of it all is my partners family who are accommodating and supportive.
As I have built my sense of self and boundaries during my healing journey there's been times where dynamics of a relationship/s change and I have to reassure myself it's OK
I have to dance to my own tune and see who dances with me
But it's still daunting
In everyday life it's often assumed that I'm a completely different ethnicity based on my looks I think. so I often get asked if I'm Portuguese. If I say I'm the community I was raised in then some people say "iv never met a black/brown X before" or if I say I'm mixed heritage some say "oh is that why your dark then" if I say I'm the ethnicity of my maternal family they ask about my accent it's like look, if you're confused take a moment to think how I feel
I want to be solid in my identity so I can help my children to be solid in theirs part of that has been accepting that I need to be more transparent with my children about my childhood and where I really come from
My children are not old enough to remember the court case they don't remember life before our current set up I didn't want them to have the childhood I had and I think that's why I have shielded them so intensely perhaps too much
My eldest came home from college this week and said they had read a particular book in the English class and asked if that was a true representation of my childhood too. Turned out as well that I actually knew the author of the book personally. It opened up a line of conversation that has been ongoing and highlighted my lack of transparency
I'm still analysing how I feel how far is protection and wheres the line between protection and counter productive, secrecy.
And the age old "shame" rears it's self, I think I'm over it and then bam it's there lurking
I will add to this thread because I have got alot going on in my mind but it's just putting it all into words
I'm sure other people identify with this part of my healing journey in there own ways. How have other people approached it? Do you feel solid in your identity now?
Some of my first posts here were about sexual identity and talking here helped me alot with that I'm very secure in that part of my identity nowadays..
I will leave this here for now peace HL
The point of the post is my challenges with my identity and the impact on my healing journey
I'm not sure if anyone else has experienced similar to me
Key areas:
* my parents are from two separate ethnic minoritys
* I was born in the 80s raised in my paternal family but I look like my maternal family so stood out
*my paternal grandmother had extreme beliefs and ideologies and was not happy with my father's choice to marry outside of his culture
*my main abuser wanted me to be just like him
*I was raised Catholic and struggled with my sexual identity
*three separate cultural influences
* experienced coercive control and abuses until my disclosure to police in my late 20's
*my abuse being perpetrated by "family members"
There's probably more that's impacted but those are the key areas covered in therapy so far
It's 10+ years since I disclosed and it's in those years that iv been free to look at and develop my identity further
As we approach Christmas again a time of year that I often feel unsettled with regards to my identity and start to get anxious about managing another "family" orientated time of year I want to lay some foundations for dealing with it better
Neither side of my family are truly accommodating of the other or truly understand what it's like to be me
And they have some conflicting traditions, beliefs and cultures.
It's got to the point now where I'm done trying to help them accommodate each other and I'm concentrating on solidifying my identity and them accepting that as being the way it is , is how I'm feeling right now
I have been asked by one member of my maternal family why family time has a schedule this year when usually they can just pop on by.
I have politely replied saying that refereeing family time takes up to much mental energy for me especially when I'm trying to enjoy time with my children.
The reply was
"I see, yes you have to prioritise the children. It feels a little uncomfortable and official but it's cool call me to schedule
" Absolutely nothing said about me playing referee year after year and my attempts to help them accommodate each other
Just to add balance
Here's an example of a reply from my paternal family member when told exactly the same thing
" like come on, we will play nice with each other I promise! You worry to much sometimes but if this is how you want to roll I dibs X date and time please."
They don't play nice though and neither side is innocent in it.
In the middle of it all is my partners family who are accommodating and supportive.
As I have built my sense of self and boundaries during my healing journey there's been times where dynamics of a relationship/s change and I have to reassure myself it's OK
I have to dance to my own tune and see who dances with me
But it's still daunting
In everyday life it's often assumed that I'm a completely different ethnicity based on my looks I think. so I often get asked if I'm Portuguese. If I say I'm the community I was raised in then some people say "iv never met a black/brown X before" or if I say I'm mixed heritage some say "oh is that why your dark then" if I say I'm the ethnicity of my maternal family they ask about my accent it's like look, if you're confused take a moment to think how I feel
I want to be solid in my identity so I can help my children to be solid in theirs part of that has been accepting that I need to be more transparent with my children about my childhood and where I really come from
My children are not old enough to remember the court case they don't remember life before our current set up I didn't want them to have the childhood I had and I think that's why I have shielded them so intensely perhaps too much
My eldest came home from college this week and said they had read a particular book in the English class and asked if that was a true representation of my childhood too. Turned out as well that I actually knew the author of the book personally. It opened up a line of conversation that has been ongoing and highlighted my lack of transparency
I'm still analysing how I feel how far is protection and wheres the line between protection and counter productive, secrecy.
And the age old "shame" rears it's self, I think I'm over it and then bam it's there lurking
I will add to this thread because I have got alot going on in my mind but it's just putting it all into words
I'm sure other people identify with this part of my healing journey in there own ways. How have other people approached it? Do you feel solid in your identity now?
Some of my first posts here were about sexual identity and talking here helped me alot with that I'm very secure in that part of my identity nowadays..
I will leave this here for now peace HL