Recent Survivior

Recent Survivior
R

Ruggedbull

New Registrant
Hey guys...

I new to this board as well as a recent survivior (14 days now).

I have been reading through the forums and such and it seems the majority of the information that is out there is about "childhood experiences." I am looking to find information and/or people who are surviviors of adult experiences.

A little background about me:
I was mugged at nite and raped by 3 guys. After the attack, I was pushed out of the car and told to lay face down until they left. After that point, I did not feel I could go home and tell my partner so I walked the whole nite and didn't sleep. That morning, I went to a work friends house and he said I looked like shit. I told him I wasn't sleeping and didn't want to sleep an account of nightmares. At this point he gave me some Meth. (I know now he is not that good of a friend) For the next two days I went on a Meth binge (this is the 4th time using Meth in my life) and did not call my partner or friends. When I finally went home, I had to call my partner to come get because I could not get home. (Some of this story is abbreviated so it does not look so Saga like) Once home, I had a anexity/hysteria attack for about 2 hours. There is more to the story but I hope this gives you a basic overview.

It is very odd to write it down...

Currently, I am going to therapy (first time in my life). I am finding that it is very hard to deal with everything at hand. The small shit and the big shit effect me the same. Things bother me really easy, where in the past, the small shit would roll off my back.

I need better help and guidance of what is going on. I have only had a prelim session and one full session with my Therapist.

Any thoughts or questions is greatly appreciated!

Cheers!
 
Hey Bull, I'm sorry that your story has been added to our motley collection of survior stories. Yes, most of our sexual abuse experiences here are childhood related, but many here have been victimized as teens AND adults just like you, you're NOT alone. Others here have also turned to meth to dull the pain, if you ask for advice and experiences related to both of these issues, you will get it, and you will find answers for the issues that you face.

Feel free to post a message asking if anyone here was raped as an adult and I'm sure that you will get replies and advice and help ok?
 
Rugged,

Youve only got to look at the resources available to (mainly adult women) who get raped, societies view on that and the acknowledged consequences in the victims life to see that sexual assault against an individual at ANY age is wrong and very damaging.

Maybe a discussion board can be set up here (if it isnt already) where those abused in adult years (as well as perhaps abused in childhood years) can focus specially on those issues, but as others have said, there will sadly be many shared dynamics and consequences in ones life.

Youre hear, you went looking and you found us. Why? Because of the harm done to you and its effect on your life.

I bid you a sad [because you need to be here] welcome but a warm one nevertheless.

Its great you are already a therapist. That can only do good if its someone who works with male survivors of sexual abuse. To be very biased make sure they do work lots with male victims. Even better if they specialise in that area. There are many unique factors that affect how males cope with and recover from sexual abuse.

I dont know if your therapist has covered this, but have you reported this to the police. It has only been 17 days, correct? Surely it will be easier to bring these people to justice sooner rather than later.

Im sure youre already heard the fairytale that men dont get raped. They say that about boys also. You signed up as number 3,569. Doesnt that disprove that theory?

Take care.
 
Bull,

I am beginning to see that my experience of being sexually abused when I was 8 years old led to my being further abused in my later teens and twenties. It was all wrapped around my search for authentic friendship and intimacy.

I carried tremendous shame and guilt over this for far too long, and still could not let myself off the hook for it, because I somehow thought that I was old enough and should have known better. When I really began to dialogue with the 8-year old child inside of me, however, it became clear that that child was making the decisions rather than the adult in me.

I can also see that I collapsed/gave in/whatever you want to call it because of the confusion surrounding authentic/intimate friendship and sex, my lack of self-esteem, my need for intimacy, as well as the perpetrator's twisted motives and their own brokenness.

What I needed and sought at the time was healthy: authentic friendship and intimacy. The 8-year old in me, however, was the dominant voice at the time and was willing to sacrifice abuse in hopes for reward. This led me to shut down emotionally at 27. I would not begin to open up again emotionally until 20 years later.

Last week, my therapist asked me to spend the next week pondering why I cannot let myself off the hook. A retreat this week and journaling on this question shed some light on it all for me. I simply started a dialogue between my 49-year old and my 8-year old child. It is beginning to make sense, and I can connect a few more pieces as a result. I am not to blame. The shame and guilt are not mine. The earlier abuse held a power over me for far too long, and it is time to loosen its hold.

All the best to you in your recovery,
Ed
 
Ruggedbull

I am sorry that you need to be here but this is a good place to talk about what happened to you. I know there are many here who have been abused as an adult. No matter how old you where when it happened it still is abuse. Tom
 
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