recent problem Trigger warning

[itsonlyme]

I'm having a major problem recently trying to deal with recent feelings of increasing use of internet porn. Especially Dad/son and young. I will be 50 next month and have a history of long term CSA. I've always had a prob with chronic masturbation, but now these new feelings are freaking me out. I feel frightened and can't understand why after all these years, i'm now fantasizing about this. Has anyone gone thru anything at all similar? thanks in advance to any who respond.

 

[zookeeper]

IOM
One of the problems that many of us face is being drawn back to situations that are, in ways, connected to our abuse. I want to find ways to change the past and to fantasize myself as the person in control. Safety is also a big issue, so you want be sure that you are not putting yourself into a place where you are putting your best interest in danger.

Im sure, there are lots of venues for adult father/son porn. My T says that, as my healing progresses, I will have less and less interest in the fantasies that have been an almost addiction. Don't get too down on yourself. Are you in Therapy?

Lots of guys here have been through this much longer than I and will be able to give you some really good advice. Glad that you are working on taking care of you!
ZK

 

[Jay1946]

Yes, I've gone through exactly the same. Here's what I can relate of my experience.

For me when I became 50 years old, my subconscious started asking some deep life changing questions like: What do I want to do with the rest of my life? Is this all there is? and others, specific to my life experience. I was not aware of these feelings on the surface.

It was the beginning of a second adolescence. The deep insecurities and fantasies of my adolescence surfaced right at the time that the internet became widely available.I discovered porn that catered to those insecurities and fantasies and became addicted to it. I found myself compulsively going back in my thoughts to adolescence. There was something that was preventing me from leaving that period in my life in a healthy way, like I've done with other periods.

The addiction became so powerful and disruptive-unlike my character and personality-that I seeked help in Therapy. Long story short, through Therapy I recalled the memory of the childhood sexual abuse, was able to name it as trauma, link it to the behaviors that were bothering me and learn mindfulness techniques that bring me back to the present, instead of wasting time on a past I cannot go back to.

The compulsions have not disappeared, but knowing where they come from has helped me tame them. They don't drive me any more.

 

[Ceremony]

I've seen from so many already, reading here on MS, we all get stirred in different ways. The triggers I suppose.

I get angry, and can be irritable. But, I'm a caring, compassionate person with deep empathy toward others. What I don't get is how the anger I stir up, from my perception of being slighted is strong, and deeply rooted in not trusting myself nor others to know me or the situation.

I question motives too, and I'm sad that feeling alone affects me so much. I'm sad that anger affects me so much.

There must be work in Therapy that will do something with this? I don't know? I really don't know.

How are you doing now? Having gotten that porn discussed? Can you see the connections like Jay and ZK state? I noted elsewhere your moniker is lonely. I get lonely.

Best to you.