Recall

[Willhelm]

This past weekend I think I have recalled a memory of my abuse thirty plus years ago. I have other memories and this one sort of fits with the others, but it does not fit with any that I have read about. The position of the abuse was 69. I don't know if I have gone nuts, am the only survivor to be abused in that position, or am having a false memory. I am having a hard time processing this new memory especially without the validation from others. It is like I am alone with this position of abuse. Shaking. I keep shaking. Shaking at night is my new normal. The shaking brought back this memory...

 

[Bluedogone]

Willhelm,

I'm sorry to read of the difficult time you're having with memories. You've come to a most receptive and safe place to pursue your truth about your past. Believe me, you are NOT alone even though you may have some self doubts about whether the things you are remembering are real or not.

Take your time, everyone's abuse is unique in itself, but there's a good chance someone here has struggled and been successful with the same type abuse. We're here to offer the assistance you need in a safe, non-judgemental space.

Best wishes and good luck in your journey.

Blue

 

[traveler]

TRIGGERS

Willhelm - though i never experienced it that way, it is not impossible that it happened that way to you. i would imagine that it has happened to others too, and that they are just too reluctant to go into detail about it.

the important thing is not the finer detail of position and so on, but that it WAS abuse that was inflicted upon you. believe me, you are not alone, regardless of your feelings.

for years, i did not think that i had been raped because it was not done with the perp's penis but with household objects. i also felt as if i did not belong and was a fraud because it wasn't "normal" rape. other survivors helped me to see it for what it was.

i hope that you can take comfort from knowing that others can identify with your experience, regardless of the details. and i hope that you can overcome the shaking. it is likely to subside as you continue to process things.

lee

 

[Ceremony]

Hello Willhelm, and welcome to the company of experiences and shared understanding. All of us have had various experiences, and I am not sure if I can recall a 69, I won't say it didn't happen, I'm rather unmotivated to go into the near same age molestation time of myself at present. If at some point I recall during EMDR, that might reveal. I'm not too upset for now, I've plenty to deal with. *Trigger warning* Younger days led me into the hands of at least 2 boys self-will and with a very deep unknown, an adult pedophile might have abused me once? I don't know, it's been a very, very long dream-like thing. Again, it's not been too important yet.

Nothing I'm posting is to diminish your memory or need to be aware of your memories, it's pointing to where I've needed to be, and the memories I've had all along, very suppressed by me, but now finally pushing into my life, they're the part of me needing a lot of work. I hope that makes sense? I often doubt I'm saying things clear, or making it worded the right way. Some give me feedback of understanding, but my doubt has a long standing record of overshadowing my thoughts.

There's nothing wrong with doubting a memory, or thinking about it in such a way that you've decided it's true, but have a nagging doubt. That's Okay, our brains in PTSD have issues like this, and memory is one of those issues. Some therapies might help with it, or some things done for memory recall might work. I don't endorse some things, and that's because I've never done them, and/or, it seems in my experiences and reading I'm less inclined to look at a therapy I'm unsure is in the category of "therapy". I don't want to state what I might consider in any case, except those of my experience. My projecting onto anything like a therapy, might diminish your journey if it includes that. We're all different, and I'm keenly aware of my difference.

My mind will go many direction while I write this, but my hope is that you'll know, the trauma is well known here at MS. Here, among men who know, most Ok with the word survivor, and looking at this from semantic self positioning of words, one may look at the equality of healing and recovery words, and mingle them. I'm of 12 step recovery, and lifelong need to heal for this newly revealed PTSD. I think in healing, I can recover things about myself, and that will be great. In fact, I'm doing EMDR finally. I recovered my 12 year old self at the worst point of him being bullied. This was only this past Monday and I wrote a very long post about it. It was intense and gratifying. That kind of healing event, where I've recovered something taken from me by bullies, left unprocessed for 43+ years, is a gift. Now, I'm looking at those particular events and my 12 year old is safely looking at them through my adult eyes. He's feeling the security of me, the need of my adult self to make sure he's going to get through that extraordinarily damaging part of our life.

So, to conclude my verbosity, there's hope, there are lots of things to discover and find, and so many of them will help your healing journey. You can recover many things of yourself in time.

Best wishes.

 

[TylerZ]

x

 

[Older1]

Dear Willhelm: I recall wanting and encouraging my friends to get into the "69" position about ages 6-10, but it was more in the interest of exploring each other and discovering genitalia and occasional pre-puberty erections. However, it is likely that the IDEA came to me as a result of earlier "abuses". Otherwise, it is hard to explain why i would have encouraged such activity.
I think that my abuser (my subsequent rapist) may have used that position as part of my seemingly harmless grooming.
Hope that helps.
Ken

 

[Willhelm]

Thank you everyone. You all have been very helpful and I appreciate your replies. Tyler and Ken - thank you for sharing. I feel validated and comforted knowing that I am not alone in this position during abuse. This new memory of mine is the first CSA act that has come to me. My other memories have been around the CSA, but not the act. Between the the memory and the 69 position it has been difficult to deal with.

To Ken - my therapist suggested that my abuser may have gotten the idea from other adolescents. All I know, it wasn't mine. Makes me feel sad thinking of myself laying down at eleven years old in the 69 position. It is such an intimate position. Maybe it was part of the "it feels good" grooming. It makes sense.