reasons i hate myself....

[lipsticklullabies]

so one of my closer friends and i were talking today. he kept asking me what was wrong and i finally broke down and told him that there was some stuff that was bothering me. i started to talk about it but he wasn't being serious so i was like, whatever, see ya, so he says "no im sorry what can i do" and i told him "try and be serious for once because youre the only person that i know thats been through this. i have no one else to talk to," so we started talking and i realized a few things as we talked.
i was just blabbing to him and i said "ugh i just hate myself" and he looked at me and said, why do you hate y o u r s e l f?!
so i started listing things and i dont know where they came from but these were the things i said:

1)i hate that i hyperventalated if a guy gets to close to me at a store. or seems like he's following me around. or looks at me wrong.

2)i hate that i have to use family bathrooms whenever i go somewhere.
i refuse to use regular public bathrooms.
my excuse to everyone is that family bathrooms are cleaner because less people use them and they seemed to be cleaned more often but really i use them because its a single bathroom so i know no one can see me, i know no one will be able to come in and "attack me".
(just this weekend i was on a road trip with my bestfriend and i went into a bathroom in leavenworth and since there were only the regular kind i was forced to go in because 3 1/2 hour ride+coffee...
i locked the stall and waited for the guy in here to leave. finally he did but then another guy came in and i almost threw up.
needless to say, i had to ask if we could stop at a different bathroom. we were with her mom so i couldn't explain why. thankfully she didnt ask why, she just rounded the block to a gas station. no one was in that bathroom thank god.)

3)is the number one reason i cant stand myself.
this is probably gonna cause some of you guys to hate me or not want to respond to my post and i have to tell you i dont care even though i do. ill try to sound all brave and cool and tell you that i dont care if you dont like me. even though its wrong. it breaks my heart when people stop talking to me because of it. its dumb to hate people for it..

i'm gay.

and...
i hate that im afraid to kiss or touch my boyfriend. and i dont just mean sexually. when im with him i have to force myself to hug him. i want to, i really want to hug him but im afraid ill seem to clingy. i get worried about it.
then theres the sexual part. we HAVE done stuff.. we've been going out almost eight months so, yes we have done stuff. i was extremely nervous but we did it. i can honestly say i feel a lot more comfortable with him that i did with my past two boyfriends. but
i still feel horrible when we do, do things.
i have cheated on him though and its because its easier to do things with guys i dont have deep feelings for and for a while i didnt know why. i made me feel horrible that i didnt want to do those things with jare.. at first i questioned whether i really liked him sa much as i thought i did.
what it really is, is that;

im afraid ill hurt him.
im afraid ill ruin him the way i was ruined.

im two years older than him so i feel like i could do something to him he's not ready for. even though we've talked about what things we're both ready to do, and all that.
i still feel like im hurting him, i still feel like i shouldn't be doing what im doing. i still feel like im ruining him.

i know i need to tell him all of this and i will when i need to, when it comes up. im not afraid to tell him, hell i could talk to him about it the next time i speak to him. our relationship is that good. i just, dont want it to come out the wrong way. i know if i explain to him that its because of what happened that he'll understand. i trust him enough that i HAVE told him what happened. i was having a hard time explaing exactly what happened to me so he told me it was okay that i didnt need to tell him all of it if i wasnt ready. hes really great.
i just was wondering if any of you have had trouble with your girlfriends or boyfriends? cause i wanna work on this because i dont want it to end another relationship
thanks,
//josh

 

[fightlikehell]

In the way of having problems with my girlfriend I have alot. She has no idea what has happened to me, but she grew up with us so she knows a bit about the disfunctionalness of my family. Right off the bat I told her that I dont really trust people, I barely trust myself, and tha if she couldnt deal with that then she should just gve up right then,but she didnt and we have been going out scince november. But for some reason she now cant understand why I cant trust her and why I dont want to have sex with her. And I dont know how to explain it to her...

- Adam

 

[shadowkid]

josh,first of all no one here will ever hate you dude ,being gay is no crime just as being straight is no crime its just who you are so dont think being gay maskes you bad ok? anyone who stops talking to you because of that aint worth talking to anyway adam

 

[Lloydy]

Josh
got any REAL reasons to hate yourself?

But seriously, Hypervigilance is common enough amongst survivors and it is something that can get better in time. Not overnight, but with a bit of determination and work it can go. Mine's gone altogether now, but I started therapy about 8 years back.

Using public toilets is something that many guys don't like, not just survivors. My best friend,( non survivor ) who I work with and most nights share the shower room with just cannot piss if there's someone else around, and this guy has no shame at all, last night he forgot his shampoo and just walked out of the shower - naked of course - through the canteen to the locker room for his shampoo and back again! But if he wants to take a leak, he tells me to 'go away' - so I do. Or sometimes I just stay there to annoy him! works every time.

You're gay ? so what ? Enjoy !

Dave

 

[WalkingSouth]

Josh,

The hate ain't gonna happen, Bro. Not here at any rate, and if someone does post trash talk to you, he's gonna have to give an account of himself to a whole bunch of us! That isn't gonna be too pleasant for him!

Keep talking to us, My Friend. Talking is the first huge step in coming to grips with all this stuff. We'll listen and offer our opinions and support. It does get better after a while, but sometimes the journey can be a bit rough. Just stay with us and hang on for the ride.

Lots of love,

John

 

[roadrunner]

Josh,

I am so glad you mention these reasons for hating yourself, because now they are out in the open and you can get some help with them.

The first two are dead easy. Lots of survivors HATE it when they feel another guy is crowding them, and anxieties over public bathrooms is also very common. Those are defense mechanisms we have from the time we were being hurt. So many guys here would tell you they felt that way once, or still feel that way. There is no reason to hate yourself for this.

The third, being gay, is at the same time very simple and very difficult. The short answer is that if you are gay, that is part of who Josh is and it's just fine. Yes, some other people will have difficulties with that, but that is THEIR problem.

But it isn't that simple, is it? What you are getting into here, bro, is the hurricane of questions and doubts that any teenager would feel as he explores his sexuality and learns about sex in the wake of being abused. I remember when I was 16 and making out with my girlfriend and things were clearly heading for sex. I couldn't do it. It just killed me that I was about to do to her what the abuser had done to me.

Maybe it would help you to bear in mind that when you and your boyfriend share yourselves with each other sexually, you are doing so with trust and affection and of your own free will, as equals. Abuse is something else entirely: it is unwanted attention forced on a boy by someone who is older and more powerful. NOTHING is being shared, it is being taken.

As John says, please keep talking. It will help you, and certainly you are raising issues that will be very familiar to so many of us here, not just us older guys, but also the other teens who come here and have similar fears and questions.

Much love,
Larry

 

[caointeoir]

so i'm trying to say something to this. for my own peace of mind with the usual disclaimer that i'm just struggling with life myself and therefore this is just a piece of unsolicited advice...

but i'm tryin.

i do understand you very well, josh. been there myself. so - sorry for the long rambling.

Originally posted by lipsticklullabies:
3)is the number one reason i cant stand myself.
this is probably gonna cause some of you guys to hate me or not want to respond to my post and i have to tell you i dont care even though i do.

i do so know that feeling. i'm there with you.

it breaks my heart when people stop talking to me because of it. its dumb to hate people for it.. i'm gay.

so what? me too.

it's really dumb to hate people for that reason. especially you. so don't do it.
(yeah, i know, easier said than done. took me a while myself)

i hate that im afraid to kiss or touch my boyfriend. and i dont just mean sexually. when im with him i have to force myself to hug him. i want to, i really want to hug him but im afraid ill seem to clingy. i get worried about it.

why do you? did he say something? he's been with you for eight months, which leads me to think that he probably likes you a lot, and likes to be touched by you a lot.

i have cheated on him though and its because its easier to do things with guys i dont have deep feelings for and for a while i didnt know why.

well, IMO, just because of that. deep feelings are something very scary at times. but isn't it beautiful you have them? deep feelings mean you let people close, close enough see stuff of yourself that scares you. close enough that they could *could* hurt you. that's always scary and i understand very well it's much easier to do sexual stuff with guys you don't care about. a f*** is a f*** and love is love. a f*** is easier than love, love needs a lot of work.

im afraid ill hurt him.
im afraid ill ruin him the way i was ruined.

it's okay to be afraid.

you're talking deep feelings, and hurt is in there. my approach would be to try and overcome fear. he wants to be with you. he wants to be close to you. let him. let go of fear and grab that guy and hug him properly.

im two years older than him so i feel like i could do something to him he's not ready for. even though we've talked about what things we're both ready to do, and all that.

two years really isn't that much. and it's amazing you talked about what you are ready for. that also opens the door for him to actually tell you when he's not ready for something.

i know i need to tell him all of this and i will when i need to, when it comes up. im not afraid to tell him, hell i could talk to him about it the next time i speak to him. our relationship is that good.

well that's good. that's really good.

i just was wondering if any of you have had trouble with your girlfriends or boyfriends? cause i wanna work on this because i dont want it to end another relationship

it's fantastic you want to work on it. i'd tell him that, and that he is important and special enough to you to consider all this. important enough to work on your relationship.
yes i've had problems with my boyfriend, too.
i didn't even want to be close to him in the first place. because i'd thought i'd straightened things out with my own feelings and 'i didn't feel that anymore'. and then there's this guy and hell, suddenly i realize i want him bad.
it took me ages to finally break it to him, to stop shaking when he got close to me, either for fear or desire or both.
when he first asked me about 'what happened', I lied. he looked at me and said 'that's not what you wanted to say'. and i looked back and realized that was true. i wanted to say it to him, and then i did. and that was just really really good.
both, letting go and telling him and getting it all out of my system, and letting go and grabbing him and telling him i wanted him. for me, it was well worth it.

so yeah. yep, this was long. looks like that is my bit of waffling for the day.

stand strong
c~

 

[reality2k4]

Josh,

I never use public toilets, NEVER.
I can understand this fear, and fear of being in the vicinity or 'space' of other men.

It is not so bad for me, as it might be for you right now, but most men will not harm you.
You have boundary issues and hypervigilance issues which will need therapy.

Being gay, so what!
Its not a crime, nor does it make you different, but having a mind that just seeke to hug and be normal is pretty tough.

Touching is never easy, even when your mind craves it.
I guess that still is one of my great fears.

Find a therapist, or at least see a doc who can give you meds to help you through, most docs wont bat an eyelid, that is their job, so dont be embarrassed,

ste

 

[jesse7]

Originally posted by lipsticklullabies:
i hate that i hyperventalated if a guy gets to close to me at a store. or seems like he's following me around. or looks at me wrong.

1) Did you notice how you wrote the word seems? You probably already know he's not following you but you're not convinced because of past trauma making you feel unsafe. When people look at you wrong, what is that wrongness? Anger? Hate? Ridicule? Try making random faces in front of a mirror. Notice the reactions you get. Some you'll find that you can't stand even if it they are your reactions.

2) You're not alone in this. Hypervigilance is a common thing for survivors of CSA. Until only a month ago I couldn't even use a public urinal. The thought of urinating when other men are in the bathroom would scare me. Even though I had to go very bad I couldn't do it. What changed me? Writing in this forum and meditation. Meditation stills the mind which calms the emotions. When I needed to urinate badly, my muscles would tense and I couldn't go. Now it's easy especially after successfully doing it several times--it builds confidence.

3)What's wrong with being gay? To quote the movie Priest, do you think it bothers God what men do with their penis? Anyone who hates you for being gay isn't a friend at all.

Jesse

 

[reality2k4]

A number of years ago, a guy asked me to go to the gym with him, and I did all the weights, and just wanted to go home, but he said, you must take a shower first.

I trusted him fully, and guess I just did not want to show him I was hurt, so I did it, I showered with men and did not feel like I was threatened, and it was cathartic to just shower with other men.

I still will not go into a public toilet, it is a definate no go zone,

ste