really upset right now

[jwh]

When it comes to dating, I feel stuck and trapped.

I met a woman, eight days ago, whom I seemed to have a lot in common with. Before long, we both shared that we had been sexually abused. It was very easy to talk to her about this, and she told me likewise.

We flirted over email all week, then we went out on our first real "date" on Friday night. I thought it went pretty well, overall, though I noticed she was withdrawing a little by the end of the night.

This morning I came to work and sent her an email. She sent me one back saying she doesn't think we should date, that she needs someone who is "spiritually stronger" than she is, and who is more "independent" than me. She said she felt like, talking to me, that I was more interested in discussing the varying philosophies of different denominations than in "building a relationship with God." She said that she felt like I would have agreed about her with anything, also. She also said that she thinks we are at "different places in our recovery." i.e., she is at a "better" place, I guess.

I am really hurt about this. I can't fucking believe it, to tell you the truth. All last week she was telling me how funny I am, how she couldn't wait for our date on Friday night. Then, on the date, we were laughing together, talking about various things (not just abuse, it wasn't just morose sharing), and then we went to a movie together. WHAT THE FUCK??????

I am really hurt b/c I had thought she was someone I could build a relationship with, maybe. And of course this triggers all of my abandonment shit. My therapist would probably say that I'm not ready to date anyway. Boy, that helps to hear that, let me tell you. Just more time in Jeff's apt. with JUST JEFF! What FUN!!!!

I am really hurt and pissed off right now. I know I need to be more independent, that I would be better in a relationship if I were more independent. But what the fuck is "spiritually superior"? Did she want me to quote the Bible to her???

The relationship with myself, I know, is the one I most need to work in. And I am working on it. But it's slow at improving. And it's HARD. I guess I'm glad that being rejected no longer drives me to feeling suicidal, and that I can feel how the abandonment that I am feeling is not really from her; it's much deeper, older. I can grieve that, and truly grieve what's going on with me.

I guess I just want to know that, at some point, I will be able to have a healthy relationship with a woman. I have been divorced twice. I feel an incredible drive to be in a relationship, to be sexual and intimate with a woman. But it's not happening, not right now. Maybe I'm not ready to. What do I do in the mean time? More recovery work.

Sorry, very frustrated right now.

 

[LupinIII]

First of all I am sorry that you have to go through that.

Secondly...even though you are saying you have trouble with dating, you went through with a date. That is a MAJOR accomplishment in my book.

Finally, since you said she was abused as a child the fact that she has issues comes as no surprise to me. Her reaction is based on an unhealthy thinking system.

Now with that in mind consider this: you came, you saw it for what it is and you conquered. You are not sitting here complaining that this is the love of your life shunning you and you wont give up until she is yours. You are saying, hey this bird (english term for woman apparently) acted like a loon and I'm pissed off about it. Man, that is about as healthy as you can get. Remember dude, a thousand mile journey begins with the first step. I know you want that companionship, but you are going in the right direction and you will have a good relationship someday. One step at a time...

 

[The Dean]

For a survivor, your date seems to be rather harsh in judging you on one date. Does she have a problem with grandiosity? Sounds like it to me friend.

There is a book that you might enjoy--if it is still available: WHY AM I AFRAID TO TELL YOU WHO I AM? By John Powell. It is a very small book but he makes a lot of sense to me.

Bob

 

[jwh]

Thanks guys. This helps. You're right, it was an accomplishment to just go out. Also, she was harsh in judging me. And I don't have to accept that. She can say whatever she wants, that's her right, but I don't have to take what she says and start beating the shit out of myself with it. I wasn't what she was looking for, esp. in the spiritual realm. That would have been enough, for her to have just said that. And that's all I'm going to take from it. I'm better than she made me out to be, and eventually, probably when I have more recovery, I will meet a woman whom I can have a healthy relationship with.

Jeff