Really sexualy confused


I'm really confused and depressed right now. I was abused by my cousin around the age 5 to 8 I'm not really sure how old I was at that time. He was only two weeks older than me but we did sexualy acts you see on porn sites. He was sexualy abused by his father. I accidently exposed myself to gay porn prob around 9 or 10 (found it on another cousin computer) since then I found myself drawn to gay and transexual porn and occasionally straight porn. I've slept with and recieved bjs from men and I've visited over 20 female escorts. I had erection problems with my ex girlfriend but we did manage to have really good sex but not as often and we would sometimes go without weeks of having sex mostly because of my ed and the fact that because of my ed I would be depressed which obviously doesnt work out well when your trying to get in the mood. At first I thought I was gay and would get aroused just by reading homosexual stories and watching some gay porn. However I find myself leaning towards transexual porn now. I tried going on dating apps to talk to guys however I find that 99% of the men on these apps arent attractive to me especially if they have facial hair. I find myself attracted more to femininity. I dont think I'm fully gay and I def think I'm not fully straight however this confusion is driving me insane. I also feel like I'm bit homophobic because of my upbringing. However I just cant go through meeting a guy for a date just seems weird to me (don't mean to offend). I'm also scared to try to date a women again because I dont want to put someone I love and care for in the same situation as I did for my ex. I guess the only positive thing about this experience is that I def change my views on homosexuals and feel for them and their struggles. My counselor said that the abuse left a sexual imprint on me. A women with big tits big ass and a dick gets me aroused. I'm not too sure what to make of this. I just feel like I have to tell someone about this.
There is a forum on Male Survivor that you might want to check out Mike...

Sexual Identity Issues

Sexual abuse short circuits our normal development as boys. We became sexualized through the abuse and were never given the opportunity to learn what our bodies wanted. In my experience we need to do our sexual healing work before our sexual orientation can become clear. Like you I've had sexual experiences with both women and men. With men it was anonymous sex at video arcades. Women I married, in the hope I could have a normal life. Obviously, there was nothing fulfilling about anonymous sex and I was unable to sustain the intimacy of marriage so invariably I ended up alone... most drawn to pornography with pre-op transsexuals. My fixation is much like yours. And, the one time I ended up in bed with a man, a good friend who was bisexual and attracted to me, the feel of his beard on my face had me leaping from the bed, never to return.

Clearly, we have differing sexual and gender orientations. I would never suggest that sexual abuse as children MAKES us gay, but it is pretty clear we can't know where we stand on that spectrum until we've squarely faced and worked through the trauma of being used sexually by someone else. Even a person our own age can create that confusion, as happened with you since your cousin had been used by his father and consequently sexualized.

There is work for you to do Mike but you've found the perfect place to get support for your healing journey. Hope to see you on the board. Glad you found us.