really sensitive question for me

really sensitive question for me
theo

theo

Registrant
here is something that has been bothering me for quite some time, especially after the memories started coming back. what would be the draw of male survivors to adolescent girls? let me clarify something, i have never acted on this and never will, it is the fantasies i find disturbing. sexual confusion i can understand, but why the attraction to adolescent girls? i have a wonderful soulmate and there is nothing that is lacking in our intimacy, so why would i fantasize elsewhere be it gay, women, or adolescent girls? it just does not make sense. this is a very serious isssue for me because of the abuse i suffered and those i have personally witnessed go through such abuse. how could i even remotely consider such things?
 
Theo,
I hope you dont mind my sharing with you -- it may or may not shed some light.
Hubby2 experienced attraction to females more in the 17 - 20 something range. He even chose for some time to be around those who were not his peer age. He got into legal trouble with an 18 yr old female 2 yrs ago & ended up legally having to register as a sex offender.
He has since been very aggressive with his individual therapy & sex addiction group -- during our discussions dissecting WHAT went wrong WHERE, we talked about how the possibility was that he was / is emotionally "stuck" @ that age range. He really could NOT see WHY I kept throwing hissy fits & yelling @ him to "stop playing LIKE HE was 20 something. -- I felt like he was a danger to himself/ ME / & perhaps others but could not formulate that latter part until AFTER the legalities were finished.
Looking back I have begun to understand that for him he was a 35 yr old male with daughters in college & had lived a LIFE TIME waaay beyond his physical age. HE was stuck with NO REAL peers ... most were 35 & just NOW starting families or those with college age kiddos were almost ready to retire from their jobs.
That was a heck of a lot of pressure for him to 1.) already FEEL alone 2.) have that feeling Validated ...
Peace, Sammy
 
I understand where you're coming from, since the memories for me are new, and disturbing fantasies are raising their ugly head.

As I have mentioned in another post on the Gay Survivors forum, I immersed myself in destructive scenarios even before I fully comprehended what had happened to me. They shouldn't have been pleasurable because they were a reflection of what I went through. Later, I was looking at younger men and boys, and having fleeting fantasies which I feel ugly about having. I would NEVER act on them because it would be doing what was done to me, inflicting the long-term hurt on someone who never harmed me and couldn't deal with it, and becoming the monster I despise the most.

For me, it's another reflection on the abuse. I want to be the one in power. I want to be the one who acts instead of being acted upon. I want to hurt instead of being hurt. I, I, I. Me, me, me.

It's selfish and degrading, but I have to deal with it. Another lie must've taken root somewhere, that I was unworthy of another's real love and respect, so maybe I have to do what he did in order to get what I want.

I am not paranoid about it, but it's in the back of my mind. Others hear what's happened to me and they must fear me doing the same thing. It's normal. I understand it. It's another cross I have to bear because of him (the abuser).

Learn to get by the event. Don't be afraid to talk about it with a therapist (if you have one). And learn to trust yourself and love yourself. The fact that it terrifies you seems a good indication you know you won't act on it. It's the monsters who don't see anything wrong with it that we all have to be conserned about.

Be safe, be sane, and love yourself, brother.

Scot
 
Theo
Sammy raises some interesting ideas there, and I can see the 'being stranded' at that emotional age being some influence on an attraction to young girls.

I read somewhere that many male survivors look with a certain amount of 'desire' to young girls of an age where they missed out dating and meeting girls at that age because of the abusive situation they were in.

If we are 'hard wired' to be hetero or gay at an early age doesn't really matter - I don't think, maybe gay guys feel the attraction to boys of a certain age for the same reasons ?
Sort of regretting what they never experienced in a normal way.

But I also know that when my mate and I drive the van past the local school when they're coming out we both look at the pretty girls.
We have no secrets, and we've spoken about this.
Do we feel guilty or ashamed for looking ?
I feel guiltier than he does.
He also has a young daughter, and I know his feelings about sexual abuse, violence or misconduct.
His daughter is a rape survivor.

Perhaps it's a contraversial view, but I think it's probably a very common thing.
Young girls can be exceptionally pretty, and there's all the stereoptyping that surround sexuality.
Models get younger by the day, and are deliberatly made up to look 'girly', and 12 yo girls wear crop tops with 'Porn Star' across the chest.
The Britney Spears video was a classic example of what we are fed daily.

It doesn't make it right, but I believe it makes it so 'acceptable' that it's too late to turn the clock back.

Dave
 
Adolescent girls are often very attractive and beautiful. I try not to be too attentive for fear of being branded a sicko pervert! And I most certainly don't delude myself that they dream of spending intimate moments with an overweight 52 yo married guy with a receding hairline! Whenever I secretly dream about anyone younger than 35, I am reminded that my daughter ain't all that much younger .... which quickly dampens my fantasy. Peace, Andrew
 
I can relate. I have worked in the school system for the last four years, and I have been in all the grades. I've told my wife over time what desires I've struggled with, but at first I was really frightened. The girls that had the most vitality were the middle schoolers. Feeling disgusted and perverted, I wondered to my wife if I was an abuser or pervert. She reminded me that I did get stuck at that age, and I never grew from there. It still frightened me. I too avoid eye contact with beautiful girls (and many women), for I've feared that I may give food to my fantasies. Do I want to....do anything with them? No, I can't say that I do. But it is really hard telling myself I am healthy and sane when I think "man, she is gorgeous". I actually celebrate inside when I can talk to a beautiful woman or girl, look at her in the face, and not have secret thoughts while talking to them.

Lately my wife are a little off (my bodily memories are worsening), but I usually will share some bit of frustration I am having with this. And duh, I have to limit the amount of time, and details, I share. She is still my wife, and she doesn't like feeling competed with. I still believe we were put together. SOOOO many things confirm that. I'm not wanting to lose that.
 
I dont want to over simplify things, because I know it is anything but simple. Fantasies and actions are two totally separate things. If we hold ourselves to this ideal where we never have an impure thought, we would drive ourselves nuts, and would constantly drive a cycle of depression. What I have found is to allow yourself your fantasies and turn-ons. Those things are programmed into us by life, and denying them doesnt seem to be an answer. They remain a constant through life. They are like dreams in many ways, beyond our ability to influence much. It is fine to think it, just not to act upon it. The motivation is hard to change much, but you are in complete control of your body. You can set a boundary to never act upon these thoughts.

My abuse and background made a variety of things arousing to me including same sex encounters and even animals. That is a fact I cannot change. I mean how do you change what turns you on? You cant, no more than you can stop breathing, because it is an autonomic response. You can, however, determine to never dwell or act on it. The bottom line is that everyone has fantasies, and that is perfectly normal, as long as you can separate fantasy from reality and never allow the two to cross.
 
Theo,

We seem to have some things in common, including fantasies. I spoke to my therapist about it, and she wasn't concerned at all. In some fashion she said, I could be looking for innocence, something that I never had.

Green
 
Did you ever see the movie "Beautiful Girls"? In it there is a young girl, played by Natalie Portman, who is all of the age of 14 and she and this thirty-year old guy, Timothy Hutton spark up a flirtatious friendship. Now nothing ever happens between them beyond good natured gabbing but the Timothy Hutton character wonders what if in 4 years we meet again.

I guess the point is is that many guys fantasize about younger girls, even the ones not affected by SA. Its pretty normal, they are very attractive, full of life, exuberant even. Why not be attracted to them. We are human and part of the joy of being human is being with other people. So it would be natural to be attracted to other people, even young girls.

Now the line get crossed when we try to bring fantasy to life. Thats where clear violations occur.

I'm with Zadok, there is a clear and unmistakeable line between fantasy and action. The fantasies and thoughts are to a certain extent hard wired. An unchangeable part of who you are. I think we have to learn to accept these fantasies, but understand the clear boundaries between them and action.

Even enjoy your fantasies, as they are part of the human experience and not a product of SA.

More likely the thing that is the product of SA is your guilt about these fantasies.

Just a thought.

Take good care,

Aaron
 
I agree with Zadok completely, it's a normal thing to fantasize and we'd go mad without that release.

I also agree that the attraction to young girls is a mixture of regretting what we never experienced ( for some of us anyway ) and the sheer vitality and beauty of teenage girls. They're finding their way in the world as women and make huge efforts to look their best at all times. They want to look attractive to boys. And some of us are 'trapped' as boys.

The thing that gives me guilt is the memory of how my old fantasies of giving bj's grew out of control and became a reality again.
I've given more bj's than I can count as a boy, but my fantasies evolved around giving bj's on my terms, with me in control as an adult ( how does that work then ? :confused: ) and eventually the fantasies became a reality, well - maybe not an exact reality because I never regained the control I was seeking. But I kept trying.

It's that spiral of the fantasy getting control of me that scares me, although the reality of it is that I know 100% that I would never contemplate assaulting a girl ( or anyone ) but the knowledge
and experience of fantasy getting control over me once again is scary.

Dave
 
I am glad that others answer you some here, because I really do not have answer for you. I have really no attraction at most people, because my head does not let me do that. Have had one actual girlfriend, and a girl friend right now that I really feel strongly of, but am afraid to act upon that. But, it would make sense at me, that we who have been abused would be more timid of people our age. Maybe the adolescent girls, with their little insecurities, maybe they are less threatening of us? I am not certain. I hope that you get good answers that help you find your mind more settled of this. You are good man. I wish you well, and good luck.

leosha
 
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