Really scared

Really scared
R

RealMe

New Registrant
Hi,

I have been reading posts for a couple of months, now but have now had the courage (or desparation) to post until now. I was sexually abused by at least two male adults prior to age 10. The details of the earliest abuse are sketchy, but I am certain it happened. Later, in adolescence, my alcoholic father would routinely verbally terrorize me, coming home drunk and pulling me out of bed to sit in a chair in the kitchen while he verbally berated me until I broke down sobbing. I self-medicated with drugs and alcohol for 25-30 years as well as used compulsive sex to numb out. I have been sober now for six years, and haven't acted out sexually in that time. I have only recently abstained from internet porn for the last four months while I have sought help at the local rape crisis center. I have recently started working with a counselor, who is also an abuse survivor.

What scares me is that I have all this emotion coming out, and it seems to be intensifying by the day. I am having difficulty coping with life's stresses; it seems that everything is triggering emotional avalanches. I was recently involved in a car accident (on Friday the 13th no less), where I was t-boned. The other parties' insurance company is giving me a hard time, interrogating me in a hostile way. It's totally freaking me out; I don't feel equiped to handle it. I feel like I'm regressing to a child. Also, I have been having a very hard time concentrating at work. I feel completely paralyzed sometimes. If I knew when this would start turning around I think handle it better. It feels now like I'm headed for a complete emotional collapse.

Ken
 
Ken,

Welcome to MS. If you've been reading the posts for a couple of months you should know that you're at the right place.

It must have been tough to write your first post but now that you've done so I hope you will continue to get your ideas and feelings out.

Remember that you are safe here. No judgements and plenty of support.

Zipser
 
Ken,

I am so glad you have come onto the DB to join us. You are most welcome and I know you will get a lot out of the site.

There is so much to say to you, but the important thing right now is for you to know that it is absolutely normal to feel scared and overwhelmed as you start out here. This will continue for awhile, but it will be offset somewhat when you see that you are no longer alone, that you are believed and understood here, and that you can say what you need to say without fear of being judged.

Recovery is a rollercoaster, no doubt about it, and it will probably be the most difficult thing you will ever do. But it's worth it: you get your life back. Not as fast as you would want, but it does happen.

Much love,
Larry
 
Ken,

Welcome. I'm glad you found us but sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

Echoing Larry and Zipser, you are not alone in your feelings. I could go on and on about how scared I was for the first 5 months of my recovery. It will get better.

Come here and post as often as you feel comfortable. We're here for you.
 
Ken hang in there I just joined Male Survivor a this week and I can tell you it helps being here. I felt like I was headed for some bad times. is seemed for the last three months since I quit smoking my past issues came back with a vengence. I don't know if there is a connection there or what.I was constantly in a state of panic I took Buspar and it gave me a anxiety attack!!!! Now I am off the Buspar and with a renewed faith in Jesus I feel allmost like a new man.Everyone here has been in your position and is here to lend a ear or some advice. Welcome PJ !!!!
 
Ken, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Hang in there if you can. Easy for me to say. It's enough just to cope with everything else, but an automobile accident is so traumatic no matter how serious and a nasty insurance company is the worst. Write here as much as you can. Sometimes just knowing we're here and listening helps keep a lid on things when everything else seems to be out of control. Again, I'm so sorry. Bobby
 
Hi Realme, welcome aboard. May I suggest an analogy to help you understand what you're probably going through?

I knew of a kid that had broken his upper arm as a child and his neglectful parents refused to pay for his needed medical treatment. Years later, in adulthood, he's able to function w/everyday activities but is unable to do certain things like play racket sports and heavy lifting with both hands, etc.

The doctor said that he could fix the wound, but that it would require surgically breaking that arm, then undergoing physical therapy for X number of weeeks after that, all of which will come with a certain level of pain, but in the end he will be restored to nearly the level of functionality that he had before it was broken.

Does this make sense?
 
When a survivor first delves into the emotional aspect of recovery, they become very frightened. One thing I had learned that helped me a lot was looking at emotional healing as if it were in layers. We should peel one layer off at a time. I know you want to get straight to the healing part and just feel the pain and be done with it. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. There is a limit to what your body and mind can handle when it comes to emotional stress. Take your time when you feel those emotions. If you feel overwhelmed, it is a good idea to stop and do something else for a little while. Its like working out. We need time for recovery between workouts. There is no rush. We are exactly where we need to be and some aspects of healing will come only with time.
We all tend to feel like a little child when things get tough. We feel as if we lose control of ourselves and we need to be pulled around by our arms like a young child. Especially in car wrecks, I've been in some that really sucked in my time. Especially when you have a full time job, maybe have kids, or maybe go to college. As if we didn't have enough crap to deal with on top of Childhood sexual abuse, now the car is wrecked. Ken, it will take some time but I'm sure you'll resolve the car situation soon. Until then, maybe doing something nice for yourself would be a good idea. I find a movie to watch or a nice restaurant to go to by myself where I forget all of my problems for a little while. Yea, and congrats on the first post. Its hard to find the courage to finally open up the way you did. Stay strong?

You're not alone
Jason
 
Thank you all for your posts. Your warm show of support means alot. I guess I should have mentioned that I came out of the accident physically unscathed . It was just my poor car that took the beating.

I feel pretty good at the moment. I can't really connect with the emotional turmoil I felt just hours ago. It just seems to come and go as it pleases...

Ken
 
Hi Ken,

I was here for about two months, and then left for about three months, during which time I thought I had a handle on everything. Needless to say (since I'm back here), I didn't.

In my experience, the emotions come and go like a tide, at one moment tolerable or seemingly non-existent, to an overwhelming surge that feels like it will bury me completely.

Recovery is the same way. Some days it feels like you're making great strides, and the next it will feel like you've not only lost that progress, but some you had made before as well.

No matter where you are on the roller coaster, this is the place to be, whether you're feeling good or bad. You can always be assured of one thing: There will always be someone here who can relate to - if not understand exactly - what you're going through ad struggling with.

Welcome, brother.
-Dwayne
 
Hello Ken,

I hope you find the interaction here to be of help to you. I think I can speak for everyone here when I say it is such a great place. A lot of friends inhabit the rooms here. You're another one and a welcome one as well.

Feel free to come here as often as you need to. Post when you are facing problems, or when you are just feeling in a good mood.

The great thing about this place is that you are believed when you talk about what happened to you. You don't have to worry about the wrong people finding out here, and you don't have to worry about keeping it quiet. Talk about it all you need to. We'll listen and try to help you along the path we call recovery.

In my own experience, I found that it got worse before it started getting better. I think that's what you're facing now. Hang in there with us, we'll support you all we can and hopefully that will help ease the pain.

Lots of love,

John
 
Ken, can I offer some advice? Don't drive the car! At least don't try to drive it from Denver to Mexico. [you had to be there] welcome. D.
 
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