really really lost

[lipsticklullabies]

god i feel to drained to write all of this
my throat is closing up and my head feels really light
the past three days the stress of this horrible situation has really beat me down
the day i told my mom
i was so upset i was hardly there. i would be doing something and then later, its not that i couldn't remember doing it, it was a completely different feeling of being empty. it was like it had never happened.
it was the strangest feeling ive never experienced before and im afraid to experience again.
i feel like im slipping away.
the other day i realized something about myself
for a very long time, probably since "it" happened,
i dont really feel, HERE. i dont feel present. and i think thats why i catch myself starring at people or something. like the other day this lady at the store was trying to use one of the wheelchair things and she was laughing iwth her husband that she couldn't figure it out and i was watching her because i guess i was just waiting for her to figure out how to use it. and i just realized the next day how intently i was starring at her and how she looked up at me in the eye and i didnt look away because i didnt really realize i was there. i dont even feel connected to my body.
fuck i dont even know.
this post was supposed to be about how i can ttrust myself
if i try and remember things or if i THINK im remembering something i have to question myself as to whether ive made it up. i spend so much of my time fanitizing myself away from reality i dont know what im making up or not.
i dont know what memories are real or what im trying ot invent so i have closer.
the only reason i know something happened is the gut feeling i have and the few flash backs i know cant have been made up.
but now that im questioning myself this hard i have to wonder if ill ever trust a flashback and if ill ever really have closer.
i just dont knwo what to do anymore, i want this to be over so bad.
ive had depression since i was very young and ive had anger problems since i was young and last year it got so bad i was hurting myself real bad and i would hardly realize what i was doing and i definatly couldn't stop myself. they put me on medicene but i feel it coming back and im really scared.
im so tired of crying and im so tired of thinking and im so tired of questioning my memory
i just want it to be over.

 

[Nobbynobs]

Lipstick...I know exactly how you feel. The feeling you are describing is disassociation...it is a symptom of PTSD and comes with abuse sometimes. There are treatments for it, ask your T.

Regarding memories, I only have a few clear memories of my abuse myself, and I sometimes worry if they are accurate, although I do know who my abuser was. It comes with the territory, I'm afraid. It does get a little easier to deal with the memories as your therapy and recovery progresses. For example, my T made a point of pointing out important details in my memories.

 

[lipsticklullabies]

i dont have a therapist.
i dont have a way to get one.
my mom says she cant afford it.
and i dont know who to do that on my own.

 

[Sylvester_Stone]

I'm new to this but I'd like to offer some thoughts on the origin post.

I spent many years being very observant of people. I think perhaps some of it was an expression of looking for something within myself - but not knowing how or where to mentally look within myself, I was physically looking at others maybe in an effort to find answers.

It is very interesting that the event you mentioned, the one you were watching, was of someone trying to figure something out. I wonder if undertaking some sort of problem-solving activity (building a model, fixing a car, playing chess) yourself, can be therapeutic in that regard. I don't think doing such things for work would be the same as doing something someone actually enjoys.

Also, I wonder if the emptiness you felt might actually have been an early rush of inner peace, or something. Once I told my Dad last year, I kinda felt the same way and it sorta bothered me. I felt the urge to watch concert videos, so I did. It was interesting to watch people expressing themselves - both on the stage and in the crowd. I would be alone so there's nobody to bother me, and I could just absorb and contemplate.

Where I live, there are a few places that offer free services. Dunno if they are any good, nor do I know how to find them. Can't say I've looked real hard tho...

I hope something in there helps. Maybe it helped me more than anyone else. Cheers!