Realizing you were just part of a con

Realizing you were just part of a con
C

CMan

New Registrant
I was just looking back and thinking: you know, my mom was single, it was just us three with her, me and my brother (and sometimes my grandmother); and I was so starved for some kind of male attention and absolutely lucked out and found a great guy a few doors down in our apartment complex who took such a huge interest in me.

I can't begin to describe how thrilling it was to find this guy, he was always smiling, he was always interested in what I had to say, and what I did that day, even when my mom was grim or in a bad mood. He was just always there.

So why the sex thing?!?!? Yea, I was curious a little, but why that?!?!!!!!

Just imagine how my life would have turned out, JUST IMAGINE, if he had just left that part out. All the other things, the movies, the playing in the park, him teaching me football, and baseball, and building my confidence, and being there no matter what, and always having a supporting word. Even when I had a crappy day, I could always go over to his house and he was always glad to see me and always had something to do.

SO WHY THE SEX THING?!?! I mean, why couldn't he just jack off or whatever by himself, why involve me?!?! Why did that have to be a part of it?

And then I turned 18, or maybe it was 19, and I realized: he didn't like me. It was just my body. Looking back, it always came back to that -- sit in my lap, wow you have big muscles, take off your shirt and I'll scratch your back.

THAT WAS MY CHILDHOOD. I am a human being, I had only once chance at a childhood, and I wasted it with that guy! Spent it sitting in his lap watching movies while he probably had a hardon the whole time!

FUCK I am so pissed. Yet he was part of my life... MY LIFE... I don't know what to think.

This is my first time posting, though I've lurked awhile. I don't know what made me register, but it just kind of got to me tonight. Why did I have to be part of his con? Why does everything always have to be a con and a scam and a flim-flam?
 
That's a pretty painful statement to read, C. I'm glad for you that you wrote it, though.

I don't know if there's a direct answer to your question, but I do know that it's important for you to express your feelings about it. Rip off extreme is right!

How can we ever trust anyone again after we have these rip-offs? Gradually and carefully, I guess...

Howard
 
You were a part of 'his con'. He was part of 'your life'. That does not make your life a con. I do not know what it is that requires these people to do these things, truly I don't. Why could my coach not just been mentor, coach, trainer, teacher to me? I don't know. But after working on it for little more then a year now, I am realizing that taking the time and energy to ask 'why' does not help me. It was done, no matter why. I will never understand him. And I do not want to. To understand him, I fear it would make me slightly more like him. I just know that I have succeeded in ways he hasn't, I have done things in my life already he hasn't, and I will be a greater person in the world then he ever will be. Revenge is great reward.

leosha
 
Cman
how many men come here and ask "why?" - way too many....

My answer to the question won't be your answer though, we each have to seek our answer, sometimes we never find the true answer either.
But as we look we find out many other truths, about them and about ourselves, and the truth never killed anyone.

I hope you come back and seek your truth, it's hard, sometimes painful, but always worth it.

Dave
 
C Man

I am sorry he did this to you, you expected him to be your mentor and he took advantage of you, you looked for encouragement from him and he did things no man should ever do. That is:

Take advantage of your emotions, he knew the situation and took advantage of you, a normal guy would just play ball and be your friend, but he took advantage of you and used you for his own perversion, he then made you feel like you can never trust another guy, right.

He has betrayed your confidence in men, he has taken advantage of you and just got what he can take knowing that a father is not going to hunt him down.

I am sorry you are going thru this, when you trust someone, you don't expect them to do this to you.

Yes, he was part of your life, he filled a part that was missing, but he did betray you, when a kid looks for a friend in childhood, he is looking for someone who he can tell problems with, he respects someone older and wiser, he broke your trust, you must have been thinking? Who else can I trust if I can't trust my own judgement?

ste
 
Cman, I have asked those same questions about a man who was apparently very similar to yours--except he got very violent when he switched from the kind of a "big brother" guy to this sadistic person with his perverted needs.

I know I will never understand him and his actions. I am an old man and I still have almost ever present fear.
We do get better, I think by ignoring the desire to want to understand. I'm not sure that very many professionals truly understand this.

I feel badly that you had that experience. But, if you can, try not to let it influence you today. You sound like a good man who has survived all this and not become abusive to others. That is no little thing.

Welcome friend! I hope you get the kind of help here that I have over the past couple of years. It has made a huge difference.

Bob
 
CMan; He recognized in you a youngster who was craving male bonding with an older adult to replace the father that was not there. They are very good a picking us out of the crowd. Then he used you plain and simple. You have got it totally right. He did not give a rats ass about you. You were just a thing to him. But do not feel you are alone in this. Each and everyone of us here had the same thing happen. Oh they couched it in loving ways and did favours. Taught you to play football and baseball etc. But the payback was always fulfilling his sick desires. Cman it was not your fault ever ok. You are angry and so you should be. Please do not direct that anger inward at yourself. I mean what the hell did you know. You were sexualized at an early age before you could explore it on your own.

But you are here with us now and, not as you put it lurking, anymore. If you have seen us in action there is no need to fill you in on the special brotherhood you have joined. Stick with us New Brother and we will help you change your feelings and beliefs around what happened and you will become the man you were meant to be before the evil stench of SA descended on you.
 
Wow, everybody has responded with very good insight! I see you've all been there.

Mike: "You have got it totally right. He did not give a rats ass about you. You were just a thing to him..."

This is what I would prefer not to believe (even if true). Looking back, there were times he COULD HAVE, but didn't. Lots of times. Times I just said "No, I'll sleep here on the couch", and he said "Ok, goodnight!" and put the quilt over me and went off to his room.

So maybe....MAYBE... I like to think there was no con? Maybe he truly did care for me, but he just had that sexual drive (I'm older now than he was then, so I can understand), and for whatever reason in his case it was misplaced. And reared up every so often. But otherwise maybe he really did care for me?!

I really prefer to believe this, even if not true, because it makes it a lot more tolerable. But every so often (like last night when I posted the original message), I think: maybe it WAS a big con. And he knew EXACTLY what he was doing, and as soon as I left his apartment he'd rub his hands in glee at advancing to the next step in the four-year-long seduction process, that maybe he charted on a gigantic whiteboard, checking off each box with a gigantic red marker.

Or, maybe he WAS just the common office cubical worker he appeared to be, and had no sinister motives except for his undeveloped sexuality?!?

I don't know what to think... and kind of prefer not to dwell on it, so maybe I'll go back to lurking for a bit. But thanks for your responses!
 
Hello and Welcome CMan

Why? - The worlds biggest question...

I totaly agree with a lot of what has already been said here...

I agree that the why of what was done is a bit diffrent for each and every one of us - no two people are the same - everyones reasoning is a little diffrent

It has been 23 years since the abuse from my Uncle stopped - I have in that time spent countless hours searching for the reason why and even though I now have a lot of theories as to the WHY? my Uncle is the only person that could ever give me the true why and I don't ever expect him to do that...

We have to somehow move on past the why of the past - wish I knew how so I could tell ya - but I'm still working on that one myself... - Just wanted you to know that you're not alone in your feelings - I hear ya...
 
CMan,

My guess would be that you got it right when you said that he did in fact care about you, but had an underdeveloped sexuality. That is what I felt from your original post. Yes you were used and it was very wrong. We are all often badly used by people who honestly care about us. The problem is that people are often imperfect,

That dosen't make it right, but it lays the ground work for forgivness (for the both of you) and honest understanding. You have every right to be angry and confused. Seeing your abuser as an incomplete human being comprised of both anger and confusion might make it easier for you to understand what happened.

Aden
 
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