Realizing I'm A Survivor
I'm 41 and recently spent a weekend camping with my uncle, who was visiting from out of town. He and I have been close since I was young because my father, who was schizophrenic/alcoholic, was in jail/homeless when I was growing up, and eventually died when I was 19. My uncle, who never had kids of his own, had stepped into a father type role and often took me on trips camping or skiing, starting when I was around 10.
I've known for many years that my uncle (and likely my father, too) had been sexually abused by an older cousin when he was growing up, but this visit is the first time he described what happened in detail (receiving oral sex). He said that he was a willing participant and enjoyed it, and that he dealt with "demonic compulsions." He is a very repressed Christian, who seems to conflate child predation and homosexuality both as "evil." He confessed that he deals with urges, but kept saying he'd been focused on having sex with women, etc.
In light of this disclosure, I couldn't help but think that his doting on me as a child might not have been as altruistic as it seemed, and that it might have been something more predatory in nature, like grooming. Or perhaps he was playing chicken with his own impulses by white-knuckling his way through our interactions to prove to himself that he could fight his impulses. I'm grateful that I do not ever recall being touched or spoken to inappropriately. But, in retrospect, there are definitely things that happened that seem odd.
Going away on camping or skiing trips, we were naturally in close quarters frequently, and there's no doubt he's seen me dressing, changing in locker rooms, etc. We've shared beds in bunkrooms and hotels. He always seemed unusually giddy at the prospect of using the group showers at the outfitter's lodge following a week of camping. And I can recall him pulling me and another boy into a gas station bathroom to circle around a single toilet to pee "in order to save time." Even as adults I sometimes find him getting inside my personal space in a way that seems unusual. Against the backdrop of his disclosure, what might otherwise be explainable or innocuous events seem a lot more insidious.
So I'm left with the question--am I a survivor, or did I narrowly avoid something much worse. Whatever the answer to that question, it now seems that a foundational relationship of mine was a lie. Beyond that, there is the question of what to do. Should I confront him? Cut him out of my life? And, of course, I find myself angry that my mother and other adults allowed this to happen.
I've known for many years that my uncle (and likely my father, too) had been sexually abused by an older cousin when he was growing up, but this visit is the first time he described what happened in detail (receiving oral sex). He said that he was a willing participant and enjoyed it, and that he dealt with "demonic compulsions." He is a very repressed Christian, who seems to conflate child predation and homosexuality both as "evil." He confessed that he deals with urges, but kept saying he'd been focused on having sex with women, etc.
In light of this disclosure, I couldn't help but think that his doting on me as a child might not have been as altruistic as it seemed, and that it might have been something more predatory in nature, like grooming. Or perhaps he was playing chicken with his own impulses by white-knuckling his way through our interactions to prove to himself that he could fight his impulses. I'm grateful that I do not ever recall being touched or spoken to inappropriately. But, in retrospect, there are definitely things that happened that seem odd.
Going away on camping or skiing trips, we were naturally in close quarters frequently, and there's no doubt he's seen me dressing, changing in locker rooms, etc. We've shared beds in bunkrooms and hotels. He always seemed unusually giddy at the prospect of using the group showers at the outfitter's lodge following a week of camping. And I can recall him pulling me and another boy into a gas station bathroom to circle around a single toilet to pee "in order to save time." Even as adults I sometimes find him getting inside my personal space in a way that seems unusual. Against the backdrop of his disclosure, what might otherwise be explainable or innocuous events seem a lot more insidious.
So I'm left with the question--am I a survivor, or did I narrowly avoid something much worse. Whatever the answer to that question, it now seems that a foundational relationship of mine was a lie. Beyond that, there is the question of what to do. Should I confront him? Cut him out of my life? And, of course, I find myself angry that my mother and other adults allowed this to happen.