Reality

Reality
H

Healing light

Registrant
This week I was on a work exchange , nobody knew me or anything about me so the normal getting to know you questions went on but I also had the ability the first in years since college probably, to forget who I am and where I came from
And I glossed over everything. Because I'm not strong enough to be me. I haven't lied but I have denied myself the right to be me and be proud of who I am and that makes me sad
I'm questioning why I'm ashamed I haven't hurt noone. I'm not a bad person but, I feel like I am.
It's not about disclosing the abuse as such. But like my messed up marriage not mentioned that , it's very easy for people to assume my partner is the bio mum of both our children but she's not.

if you emit the darkness I have found there's this vast empty space called my childhood and some of my life before I disclosed that makes me sad and my inner child has been completely ignored he doesn't fit in the facade of the happy bloke with a partner 2 children an nice job who likes holidays
Who has come home for the weekend to see his family. I came home for my therapy as well but of course happy blokes don't go therapy.
Im being who I want to be way ahead of actually getting there.
I would be the first to encourage someone not to be ashamed but can't take my own advise
So I'm looking to see if any of yous have any

Peace
HL
 
Remarkably, we are the ones left with shame after we've been abused, as though it was all our fault. In reality we usually come to that conclusion because how could anyone have been so cruel to us if we didn't deserve it? Well, we didn't deserve it and it still happened... because the people who hurt us were using us to deal with their own distorted needs. We are the victims here who deserve NOTHING but kindness and compassion. You can count on the fact that the things you've done to survive carrying the memories of the trauma were really the best you could do. I came to understand that my craziness in life was a direct outcome of the abuse, first by my mother and then by neighbors who clearly understood what a needy kid I was and took advantage of my vulnerability. The terror inflicted by my mother prepared me for the pedophiles. And I've lived with the residue of all of that.

So yes, you can stop shaming yourself and you can learn to be your own best friend. That is the work of recovery from trauma and this is a good place for support as you do that important work. Glad you found us and reached out.
 
Tom E. said:
Keep being committed to YOU, and your survival & recovery & healing ... because YOU matter!!
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Thanks you , I went to my therapy it brought me back to reality. This week's been a re run of the show I put on before I disclosed
it's this two steps forward ten back , limbo.
The funny guy who plays the clown is the happy guy right? I was hoping to leave my bravado at home.
It's like a defence mechanism
I wish I treated me like I matter , I wish I could be an approachable person in person for someone like myself but I'm not I don't think too busy putting on a show.
Thank you for your good advice
Peace
HL
 
HL - I have been to a few of those type of seminars or meetings in my years (I'm retired now). You tell others what you feel comfortable saying. Not everyone needs to know everything. Some people, like co-workers or in other nations they are called colleagues, do not need to know much about you. You aren't there for that. You're there to perform your tasks as assigned and to do them with them or alone. As far as it depends on you, you do your work and do it well so others don't need to return to do what you should have done right in the first place. But they don't need to know anything about your past. How would that help you or them for that matter, perform your duties? I worked for just over 47 years. Almost none of my coworkers knew anything about my past - except for where I grew up (near Disneyland), if I have siblings (one brother), how many children I have (3), what I drive (a pick-up truck or on nice days my Thunderbird), and where I used to live (Chicago) and the type of work I did there (social work). There are a lot of other things to discuss besides our past. I told 2 co-workers over those years - only because they disclosed they were seeing a therapist and could I work for them the afternoons they had a therapy appointment. I covered for them, and in turn they covered the time away for me when I went to therapy - but we never discussed the reasons for seeing a therapist beyond surface disclosure. It keeps it safe for everyone.
As for treating yourself as if you matter - it will get there. Be kind to yourself, do something good for yourself. I do. Give yourself permission. You truly do deserve it.
 
Visitor said:
Remarkably, we are the ones left with shame after we've been abused, as though it was all our fault. In reality we usually come to that conclusion because how could anyone have been so cruel to us if we didn't deserve it? Well, we didn't deserve it and it still happened... because the people who hurt us were using us to deal with their own distorted needs. We are the victims here who deserve NOTHING but kindness and compassion. You can count on the fact that the things you've done to survive carrying the memories of the trauma were really the best you could do. I came to understand that my craziness in life was a direct outcome of the abuse, first by my mother and then by neighbors who clearly understood what a needy kid I was and took advantage of my vulnerability. The terror inflicted by my mother prepared me for the pedophiles. And I've lived with the residue of all of that.

So yes, you can stop shaming yourself and you can learn to be your own best friend. That is the work of recovery from trauma and this is a good place for support as you do that important work. Glad you found us and reached out.
Click to expand...
Thanks you for sharing with me
I carry alot of shame for things I actually have done as well as some of the perps shame too
I'm beginning to understand that the way I have reacted and acted over the years is a direct result of trauma.
I was also left vunerable to wider abuse but by my father
I question whether I could of handled or could now handle the trauma better than I have and do feel like I took the girl I married for the crazy ride and my current partner too.
I'm my own worst enemy sometimes when I should be my best friend
I appreciate your post thanks you
Peace
HL
 
WG said:
HL - I have been to a few of those type of seminars or meetings in my years (I'm retired now). You tell others what you feel comfortable saying. Not everyone needs to know everything. Some people, like co-workers or in other nations they are called colleagues, do not need to know much about you. You aren't there for that. You're there to perform your tasks as assigned and to do them with them or alone. As far as it depends on you, you do your work and do it well so others don't need to return to do what you should have done right in the first place. But they don't need to know anything about your past. How would that help you or them for that matter, perform your duties? I worked for just over 47 years. Almost none of my coworkers knew anything about my past - except for where I grew up (near Disneyland), if I have siblings (one brother), how many children I have (3), what I drive (a pick-up truck or on nice days my Thunderbird), and where I used to live (Chicago) and the type of work I did there (social work). There are a lot of other things to discuss besides our past. I told 2 co-workers over those years - only because they disclosed they were seeing a therapist and could I work for them the afternoons they had a therapy appointment. I covered for them, and in turn they covered the time away for me when I went to therapy - but we never discussed the reasons for seeing a therapist beyond surface disclosure. It keeps it safe for everyone.
As for treating yourself as if you matter - it will get there. Be kind to yourself, do something good for yourself. I do. Give yourself permission. You truly do deserve it.
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Hi WG

I totally agree co workers don't need to know all your past , you don't need to disclose.
It's more losing my identity like I'm worse than a politician for redirecting questions do you have siblings? My reply would be how many do you have? And then when they say 2 or what ever I will ask brothers or sisters and take over the questions above is literally all they have gleaned from me in a week
The most important bit is that I do a proper job for sure.
Its like an alter ego of sorts I have going on I thought I could keep it alot more real than I have I thought I would want to as well. I didn't anticipate feeling so ashamed of who I am when put in the social setting like this. A conversation started about accents where was it from mine I turned that back to there's and imitating it to make them laugh when people's laughing they forget the other stuff
I wanted to sit on lunch and be able to let a conversation flow without diverting it , because I'm not comfortable in my skin or socially
Thanks you for sharing and for your response

Peace
HL
 
HL,

I understand how it is deflecting or presenting a face on the outside that is different than the inside. I think I have spent most my life that. It like living two lives which is exhausting. I want to appear as this person who is fine no issues life is good when in fact I am not living that way emotionally. I feel I have to be what I think others expect or want. I can’t admit I am depressed, broken, gay/bi, stressed all the time worry about everything. Afraid I will be a failure in there eyes or am a disappointment. I wish I could jet it all out but can’t.
 
HL - I've been married FOUR times, so I've taken quite a few people along for the ride... even though I didn't understand what it was all about. You can imagine how much shame there was in believing I'd ruined all these wonderful women's lives by my sexual dis-ease that manifested in all sorts of sexual acting out. At the end I encouraged each of them to go since I was so damaged. And, of course, the sexual acting out PROVED that I was worthless... the perfect recipe for shame.

Finding compassion for myself, even with the pain I caused and the confusing behaviors that did nothing but produce shame, has been the work of the last two decades. Yes, coming to terms with trauma is hard, often painful work... but the alternative of not doing the work is much more painful. We're the only ones who can do it... learning to love ourselves. I copied the quote below. I've known it for some time but it seems perfect for where I am... I can use a little improvement but I must begin by seeing the perfection in all that has gone on before. I can't change it. I can only accept it as the best I was able to do... which is the complete truth. Had I been able to do it differently, I would have done so...

“Each of you is perfect the way you are ... and you can use a little improvement.”
― Shunryu Suzuki
 
smc1972 said:
HL,

I understand how it is deflecting or presenting a face on the outside that is different than the inside. I think I have spent most my life that. It like living two lives which is exhausting. I want to appear as this person who is fine no issues life is good when in fact I am not living that way emotionally. I feel I have to be what I think others expect or want. I can’t admit I am depressed, broken, gay/bi, stressed all the time worry about everything. Afraid I will be a failure in there eyes or am a disappointment. I wish I could jet it all out but can’t.
Click to expand...

Hi SMC

I spent years masking everything , it is exhausting I agree. Since my disclosure I have been able to be alot more real with myself so I didn't think I would revert back to this defence mechanism I'm so good at.
I still struggle with my sexuality more because I still don't know where I fit exactly that can be a really hard one
thank for sharing with me I appreciate your reply

peace
HL
 
Visitor said:
HL - I've been married FOUR times, so I've taken quite a few people along for the ride... even though I didn't understand what it was all about. You can imagine how much shame there was in believing I'd ruined all these wonderful women's lives by my sexual dis-ease that manifested in all sorts of sexual acting out. At the end I encouraged each of them to go since I was so damaged. And, of course, the sexual acting out PROVED that I was worthless... the perfect recipe for shame.

Finding compassion for myself, even with the pain I caused and the confusing behaviors that did nothing but produce shame, has been the work of the last two decades. Yes, coming to terms with trauma is hard, often painful work... but the alternative of not doing the work is much more painful. We're the only ones who can do it... learning to love ourselves. I copied the quote below. I've known it for some time but it seems perfect for where I am... I can use a little improvement but I must begin by seeing the perfection in all that has gone on before. I can't change it. I can only accept it as the best I was able to do... which is the complete truth. Had I been able to do it differently, I would have done so...

“Each of you is perfect the way you are ... and you can use a little improvement.”
― Shunryu Suzuki
Click to expand...
Thanks for sharing and for the quote. If I could of done things differently I would of. Also .
I appreciate your response
Peace
HL
 
I'm in conversation with my fourth wife who subsequently resumed our friendship after the divorce. She was freaked out by recent disclosures on material I'd shared with her decades ago and it seemed our relationship was about to come to an end. But, blessedly, she's been doing some reading, including The Body Keeps the Score. Yesterday she observed as you do that I couldn't do things differently from how I did them. I broke into tears saying "If I could have avoided all this pain, I would surely have done so." I certainly did not wish to contribute to her suffering... I love her.

This is the journey we're all taking... coming to terms with a past contorted by sexual abuse and finding compassion for ourselves... as you're doing.
 
Visitor said:
I'm in conversation with my fourth wife who subsequently resumed our friendship after the divorce. She was freaked out by recent disclosures on material I'd shared with her decades ago and it seemed our relationship was about to come to an end. But, blessedly, she's been doing some reading, including The Body Keeps the Score. Yesterday she observed as you do that I couldn't do things differently from how I did them. I broke into tears saying "If I could have avoided all this pain, I would surely have done so." I certainly did not wish to contribute to her suffering... I love her.

This is the journey we're all taking... coming to terms with a past contorted by sexual abuse and finding compassion for ourselves... as you're doing.
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Thanks you for sharing I'm glad she has observed that
My current partner is understanding and open minded makes me feel terrible about what I has put us threw but really thankful same time. I get insecure because I seriously wouldn't put up with me ,sometimes I want out a day off from being me so thinks surely she does too

I wish I could talk to the lassie I married just one more time she left this world to young and too soon at least I were a man that day and I went and held her hand and thanked her for our son
We married as children really ,all these fancy notions of what married life is like. I can only let it go I suppose

Peace
HL
 
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I had the opportunity HL while doing my 9th Step amends to apologize to three of my four wives. One had committed suicide. Unfortunately, I didn't have the entire picture of what had been driving me to the behaviors that destroyed those marriages so it was simply saying I'm sorry I was able to show up for the relationship. With my first wife I said too much about the past and her new husband threatened to kills me. My third wife was very kind and appeared to offer friendship which was not what I was looking for. My fourth wife has been a friend for many years and I've been making "living amends" to her.

It is profoundly sad to acknowledge the pain we've caused people who simply wanted to love us. I'm grateful that I now understand where the drive came from for all my behavior. I really wasn't a piece of shit... I was a person in a great deal of pain that wasn't understood and so couldn't be released. I love the line from the AA promises that says "We'll not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it..." It is not bad to remember what happened in the past when we no longer use those memories to beat ourselves up. When we acknowledge and accept what happened we have the opportunity to make different choices, ones that promote peace and serenity. That is what each of us is doing here...
 
Thanks you for sharing with me I
Like the thought of "living amends ". I has lots of sticks I beat myself with as the saying goes. Not that that's been helping anyone
So I'm hoping I can promote peace and serenity and accept myself

Peace
HL
 
It became very clear to me when doing 12 Step work that some of the biggest amends I needed to make were to myself for my behavior that was guaranteed to generate shame. We learn along the way that "I'm not a problem to solve..." which is what I honestly believed my whole life. The translation that happens with childhood abuse is that "I'm unworthy..." the perpetrator is "untrustworthy" and the world is "unsafe." The only one I can ultimately deal with is my own sense of unworthiness. That is the work of healing and recovery. I wish us all well.
 
Visitor said:
It became very clear to me when doing 12 Step work that some of the biggest amends I needed to make were to myself for my behavior that was guaranteed to generate shame. We learn along the way that "I'm not a problem to solve..." which is what I honestly believed my whole life. The translation that happens with childhood abuse is that "I'm unworthy..." the perpetrator is "untrustworthy" and the world is "unsafe." The only one I can ultimately deal with is my own sense of unworthiness. That is the work of healing and recovery. I wish us all well.
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Thanks for your post
I wish us all well too
Can definitely relate to the unworthy feelings
Peace
HL
 
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