Reality

[Despair is the only Truth]

I used to post here as broken. I would try and say inspiring things and pour my heart out, but i don't think it really ever accomplished anything. I am 22 years old. I have been going to therapy since i was six years old, and trying to deal with being raped and used since i was 19, when i decided it wasnt worth keeping a secret anymore. I have since come to realize, nobody cares. The world needs people like us, the world needs victoms so it can point and stare and take thier own minds off the hypocrysy of what they are doing. We, who have done now wrong, whose only crime is self-loathing, we are the balm on the conscious of scoiety that accepts child molestation, rape, and social inequalities as desirable. If people were good, they would not spend thier lives in the pursuit of apathy and greed. We are merely the byproduct. I once came thinking that if somebody heard what i had to say, i could make it matter. I thought if I went to therapy and tried to respect myself, i would be able to overcome my perception of myself as a failure, and therefore overcome societies peception of myself as a failure, but this is an obviously backwards way of thinking. The world doesn't want us, and, should i be accoused of copping out this ridiculous, "movement", it doesnt want me, specificly. I have done nothing but try to do good, to aspire and try, again and again, to find love and acceptance in this world. So, where is my medal? My plaque? Where's yours? Did they lose it at the shop? Or do they only give them out for killng lots of "bad guys" when the cameras are rolling and you are thought justified? People do not admire compassion, they know it to be weakness. They do not respect anything, the masses of humanity know only fear and apathy. This "movement" is a joke. What has any of this done? This is nothing more than the entropic spiral of civilization. It happened in greece, it happened in rome, and its happening now. Homosexuality becomes overt and rampant do to overpopulation. (Not that i would make such a riduclous claim as to hate homesexuals, there are plenty of things to hate about homosexuals and everyone else as people without having to resort to contemptuous streotyping) Child molestation and, in our case, pornography becomes less and less clandestine, incest weakens the bloodlines, we stop conserving natural resources, we consume and consume, until we tear each other apart from within, not enough meat to staiate our greedy appetites. The bombs drop, the chemicals and bugs go off, and those who survive start the whole thing over again, and god laughs at us us the entire time. Because that is what this life is, a bitter joke. This culture worships rape. See how hard it is to find a 14 year old prostitute, male or female, in a blighted part of LA or New York. Count houses as you drive by. Your one out of five statistics are bunk, by the way, there is no way to accurately measure a clandestine activity. It is either a lot better or a lot worse, depending on the neighborhood you live in. But count the houses. One, two, three, four, five. One of them has a pretty good chance of having someone who has been molested or raped living in it. I have had so many fucking therapist, so many educators and teachers and administrative staff and tests in my upbringing, so much attention recieved and so many lies told, but what i remember is the look on everyones face, the guilt, and sometimes the pleasure, of knowing that i was thier scapegoat. I am the "bad guy".
Nobody ever believed in me, nobody gave a damn about what happened to me. They just shook thier heads, pointed thier fingers, and said, "Incest is YOUR fault. Not your incest, not what happened to you, the whole, fucking, thing."
The worse tyrants and war pigs of our history and times are so close to understanding the true reality of life it i homourous. The believe the adage, those who serve the powers, become the powers. Those who oppose the powers, are used by the powers. But the reality is, there are no powers. We are all drowning in our own need for human compassion and companionship, and the joke is on us.

 

[crisispoint]

Despair,

There are days when I feel the same way as you. Yes, the world doesn't want to hear us. Yes, we have been victimized. Yes, we should be paraded and fete'd and given awards for surviving what we did. But we don't, and that IS the reality of the situation. Take soldiers coming back from Vietname being called "babykillers" after surviving the unimaginable for their country and freedom for example.

But what is the alternative? Drowning in hate? Allowing ourselves to become immune to the suffering of others? Giving up? I refuse to. Dammit, I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to become as evil as the world. That would be the ultimate victory for the person who did this to me. To us all. Give up on children and adults who have been victims themselves? NEVER! Never will I turn a blind eye to those who have suffered this travesty. Never will I give up trying to heal those who have been hurt. Give up on justice? NEVER! I will never give up trying to punish and prevent those who have done this from doing again. Hate those because of something that they have no control over? NEVER! I have EVERY reason to hate gays (remember, my abuse was a homosexual act), but every gay person is not an abuser and they are mostly good people.

Despair, I feel for you, but we, you, CANNOT give up. Yes, there are no easy victories, but giving up does two things. It absolutely DESTROYS us. It is the ULTIMATE defeat because we admit that our abusers are right. We are worthless losers who are better off being used. And giving up means that our abusers have won. They have the final victory over us. I will NEVER, NEVER! hand them that. Neither should you. You are better than that. We all are!

Despair, I may sound harsh, but I know you are a better person. Why are you still here? You are still looking for hope. No, there isn't a final "Armageddon" moment when we are carried on shoulders, and comforted by the world. But we are comforted and we do give comfort. Want the world to be a better place? Strive to heal with an open hand rather than lash our with an closed fist. There will always be evil, no doubt, but we can slow it's progress and stop it if we choose to be better. If we choose to love rather than hate, care rather than ignore, we can save more than can be lost. I am convinced of this.

Stay with us a little longer, Despair. Keep fighting a little longer. We cannot lose people like you. I care about you too damn much to allow you to give up. Please, man, stay with us. It's worth it. I promise.

Peace and love, my brother. Stay with us.

Scot

 

[Mike Church]

Despair: We will receive no medals or even much respect from society. I believe that honours from society are merely salves anyway. For a dead hero and such. Well they are still dead.

The rewards to me are about me starting to live and enjoy life, to be able to look in the mirror and kind of like who I see (warts and all), the love of those close to me and the joys of laughter. To me these things are far more important that any acolades given by society.

On the other hand I do believe that Society knows all to well about the evil that has descended on us because it is from society that this evil emanates. It strikes us randomly straight and gay as well. As a matter of interest the percentage of gays who perpetrate this evil is less than 1% of the total.

Now are we just a bunch of crap as a group. I would say definitely not. I look on MS much like AA and I belong to both. We are here for each other to help and guide each other to a happier life style. It is huge for me to know that I can speak to others about this evil and the things that it has done and continues to do to me. Are we wasting our time. Definitely not. I personally have been privy to magnificent acts of courage on the part of men here. A recent example is Leosha who wrote a letter to the authorities about his perpetrator and this ahole is not being watched very closely. That took real courage and I think that we helped in providing Leosha the knowledge that we are all there for him. We do this for everyone we meet.

We pay a huge price to belong here. As a matter of fact I can think of no other group that demands such a payment except the membership in death. But we have all survived and that is important. We lean when we are hurt and offer our shoulders when others are in pain.


So despair it is really all about you and your own sense of self worth; the fellowship and compassion and brotherly love that you and each and every one of us receive here.

In the final judgement it matters only that we live life to the fullest and shared our pain and joy with others. We are truly universal and of all colours, faiths, backgrounds and geographical areas. We ae truly homogenous. Where else can you find this and where else are brothers who are gay, straightor somewhere in between stand together shoulder to shoulder to face a terrible evil. And we do it without the benefit of society and the trappings of power and authority.

Sorry for the rant. But I am passionate about us as a group of really great guys.

 

[Lloydy]

Broken
I've often wondered where you are, and how you're doing.
I know we fell out a few times here a while back, but it was never personal, I liked the good times we had.

I have done nothing but try to do good, to aspire and try, again and again, to find love and acceptance in this world. So, where is my medal? My plaque? Where's yours? Did they lose it at the shop?

Who was it who said something like ? "today- dental hygeine, tommorow the world"

Welcome back, I hope we can help.

Dave

 

[crisispoint]

P.S. to Despair and anyone else reading this: Lest you think I hate gays, I do not. Considering that I am VERY uncertain of my own sexuality right now, that would be a destructive view for myself. Damn sure it's destructive to everyone else.

Peace, love, and healing,

Scot

 

[brian-z]

I honestly don't know what to say...

 

[learning2remember]

AS I struggle to remember what happened to me, and then struggle with the memories themselves, one of the most frustrating things is the way a wave of self-hate will hit me. It comes without warning, and without reason. It is not that I blame myself, nor that I want to punish myself. Somehow I just consider myself worthless. One reason I searched out this organization and this website is so that there would be people I could talk to when such days come. I sought therapy hoping to eliminate "Bad days." Now I know they just happen. When they happen, all I can do is wait them out, because they do go away. No catharsis or bright turning point, just a misty return of confidence. THis rollercoaster still bothers me, but my hope is that it can be an encouragement.

I am not saying "cheer up," but just "hold on."

Peace,
learning2remember

 

[Leosha]

I wish you to know that I read your post. Everyone who posts here deserves to be 'heard', obviously they are saying something they need to say and be acknowledged. So I try to respond to everyone I can when I come here, other than the trigger posts that I can not handle at this time.

I did read your post. I did read your words, and feel their impact. And I am very sorry for the pain and anger and bitterness you have had to feel in your life. But I will not respond, other than this. I am not responding because I do not like what is in my mind to say.

leosha

 

[FlyWM]

I respect how you feel, and could sense the anger and bitterness you feel, and I am sorry you feel this way. It is obvious that this world has jaded you, and for that I am truly sorry. Other than this I can not say much about it, I do not wish to debate, I respect that you posted this, and in a way am glad you did.

Scott

 

[andrew51]

That's a very unforgiving view of life and mankind Despair. I think, if I felt as badly about the world as you do, I would travel to some place very simple, maybe somewhere without people, somewhere peaceful where I could commune with nature and get back to the basics of life without a lot of societal expectations. The life of a hermit comes to mind. Back about 25 years ago, I used to take off for weeks at a time and camp in the less travelled parts of Algonquin Park in Ontario. I wouldn't see evidence of a living soul for days and days. I found removing myself from society very restful and cleansing. Sometimes it helps to remove oneself, take a step back and have the time to do an honest inventory of ourselves and our place in the world. IMHO we are not just passengers on a bad ride. Peace, Andrew

 

[outis]

If people were good, they would not spend thier lives in the pursuit of apathy and greed.

Broken/Despair,

I think you're right, they wouldn't. In fact, many of them don't.

I was about to dig up quotes from things people here have done, but what would be the point? You can see them yourself if you want to look.

There are people dying to protect the homes and lives of others in Southern California even as I type this. Volunteers are risking their lives. That doesn't seem apathetic or greedy to me.

It can be very, very hard for me to keep in mind some of the wonderful things that people do for one another. Coming here I read about (and write about) some of the worst pain humans can inflict or endure. It does happen, it did happen, and denial won't work for me like it used to. Still, coming here I see some of the greatest people in my life, rising above those pains, reaching out to help others, building and rebuilding lives, one day at a time, one connection at a time, one kindness at a time. I hope that you can see this tremendous good, too. It's in the world, in the people, but for a long time I didn't recognize it. Maybe you're in such a time now. I hope things start looking better to you. I'd like to see a combination of both your names come to a realization in you, when the despair is broken, smashing the lies with it, and a brighter truth returns to you.

Yeah, bad things happen. That doesn't stop good people from doing good.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[Brayton]

My therapist often ends our sessions by telling me to take it easy on myself for the evening. That is something that for good reasons I forget to tell myself. It is necessary to just pull back sometimes, I think, and regroup. I have to remind myself that this is, first of all, about my survival in spite of how terrible the world seems and not about changing the world.

Andrew's comment about camping reminded me that one of the things which kept me alive when I was a kid was that the very little town that I lived in was surrounded by wooded hills threaded with streams and a river. In 10 minutes, on any given day, I could retreat from the world and spend the whole day if I could get away with it or sometimes just a couple of hours.

I sectioned off the various parts of my life and shut down thinking a lot about it. Of course, I was a kid then and didn't intellectualize much. In the woods, I was free from my abusers which was a relief though I always returned to them.

B.

 

[Ivanhoe]

DITOT,

Well, you've described my effin' day to a T. Began by finishing the assignment that my T gave me for this week: "What would I say to the 8th grade teacher who abused me if I saw him today?"

Well, that set the tone. And in my shitty mood, I did a little investigating and discovered that my perpetrator is still alive and living not more than 600 miles away from me.

"Could I drive that in the night, hold a pillow over his face and drive back before anyone would know that I was even gone?

Ya, it sounds to me like you're depressed. Me, I'm just fuckin' angry. Want to hit out at anything that moves. And, only do harm to myself.

I do have to take this exercise down to HIM, however. I've decided to make certain that if his son has children, that they are, at least warned, or at best, protected, from this man.....even if he is 82.

I'm sorry, but what he sowed, he's going to reap...interesting, just a rearrangement of the letters, isn't it?

Other than that, move over and make room for another brother who will join you on that shit bench, that some would call the pity potty. But I'm not shitin' you, this world can look pretty grim from where you and I find ourselves tonight. Or, am I supposed to be the "uplifter." Screw it, not tonight. Maybe after dinner, but not now.

David