Reality sucks!

Reality sucks!
T

Trish4850

I came to a realization last night. It is very hard to face this reality, but I must.

Since very shortly after I met my b/f, I knew he was the one for me. Everything moved along wonderfully and then the s/a and his acting out came to light. We went through hell, but OK, Im tough, Ill fight it out. Well stay together, hell get better and well still have the fairy tale happy ending. Thats not going to happen, at least not any time soon.

My b/f has a very hard time with the idea of living with anyone. He wants to do his own thing in his own way on his own time table. Thats not very conducive to a relationship which is full of compromises. Even when he is able to modify his behavior and thinking patterns to the point where he might be able to tolerate living with me, I dont come alone. I have a daughter who still lives at home and who still needs me. I also have 2 cats; I have stuff, I have my own ways of doing things and keeping house.

I just dont see him being able to make such huge compromises in one fell swoop and there isnt any way to wean him into that. If we live together, it all comes at once. While I would certainly be willing to make compromises on some of my stuff it could never be enough. The man would be a wreck because we invaded his space.

I want to marry him; that wont happen; I want to live with him; thats not happening either, certainly not in the next 4-5 years. I guess the big question for me is am I OK with what we have getting better, but not merging? Thats a huge hurdle for me. I know that once I get my original plan out of my head and truly make peace with the reality, my life will be better, but I need to get there and the only way to get there is to make a decision as to whether Im OK with it or not. This is very difficult.

ROCK ON..........Trish
 
Trish,

I imagine you are keeping separate households for now. How about trying longer periods of one staying with the other - see how it goes? See how you manage with the everyday compromises that go with being married. Could he manage that much at least? Just to give it a try?

The bottom line is exactly as you put it. A relationship isn't and can't be about one person making all the efforts and accommodations.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry,

I stay at his house on weekends and occasionally on a Sunday night, but always go home at some point to feed the cats, get clean clothes, etc. He won't stay at my place 'cause it's a condo with no yard, nothing to build and basically, nothing to do but sit inside; I get that. At his house there is always something to do, or at least I can lie out in the yard. The problem is really me being there at all. I always think everything is fine, more than fine really, but just a few weeks ago something happened to make me realize that isn't true.

He was inside building the bar and I was outside power washing the deck and fence. We were getting ready for the party we had last weekend. This went on for hours. We'd see each other when we met in the kitchen to get a cold drink or go to the bathroom. We'd have a little banter, a kiss and back to work. When we were done for the day and relaxing outside, he said, "don't take this the wrong way, but I really work much better alone." WTF! We hardly saw or spoke to each other all day even though we were never more than 20 feet apart. He was working alone! Here I thought we were happily working, if not side by side, then at least on a joint project and he was aggitated that I was even there!

I can't overcome that and it makes me very sad and pretty damn mad too. I can bite my tongue sometimes, but I can't not exist. Maybe that's what he would prefer. :(

We had a tough Monday night and Tuesday after a fabulously fun and successful party on Saturday and then a get together at a friend's house on Sunday. My head and my heart are pretty messed up right now. I just don't know where we are and I sure as hell know we aren't going anywhere fast.

ROCK ON........Trish
 
Trish...you have my sympathy as well. When he said that to you ("don't take this the wrong way...") how did you respond? I sort of interpret it as him acknowledging that you were there but he was still working alone and didn't want you to think he was ignoring you. It may not necessarily mean he didn't want you there. Maybe I'm wrong but am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

It's not surprising to me that he likes to do alot alone...my friend is the same way too. It must go with the feeling of isolation and feeling safety alone. We could analyze it forever but at the end of the day, just don't take it personally. And I think THAT is the gist of what your BF was trying to say.
 
We spoke last night. I was an emotional mess all day and had to speak with him so I went to the house after work. We had a very calm, productive conversation. I cried a bit; didn't want to, but stuff just got to me.

I told him the realization that I'd come to and his response was, you're right - for now - but this is why I'm seeing Dana (his T). We talked about some things that went wrong on Monday and Tuesday so we cleared the air a bit and I feel better.

I know I love him and I know he loves me. I think we're both just battle weary. There's been a lot going on at his therapy sessions and he's taking it hard and having some trouble processing it. Vacation is coming up soon and I think we both desperately need a week to lie on the beach, drink a few pina coladas and just relax. I'm so looking forward to that.

Thanks everyone.

ROCK ON.......Trish
 
Trish,

I still have no advice, but wanted you to know I was still thinking about you and checked back to the thread to see how you were. It is so hard my dear. Bless you both. I hope your vacation is what you need....and the pinas are nice and frosty :-D
 
Hi Trish,

I'm sorry to read your heart is breaking over this situation with a man you love.

From a woman's perspective who has been sexually abused as a child. Of course realizing that everyone emotional journey of healing is different.
I can unfortuantely admit to doing the same thing to people who care about me. I don't understand why I do it but I do PUSH PEOPLE AWAY while I'm dealing with my past childhood traumas.
I guess it just might be because you weren't there when it happened. He was there just trying to survive.
The fact that he has obtained professional help and a wonderful person like you who must be understanding about his personal boundaries. Is great step in the right direction. Most of the time when a person is sexually abused especially when they were children boundaries are a major issue(important stepping stone for healing). We must establish them because we were never allowed to have them when our "Predator" prevented the natural development of personal boundaries to grow. It could be that if he notices you respecting his personal space then (this just might be an unintentional test)he may start taking down the wall between the two of you.
 
Thank you all again for your support and encouragement. We worked on the house again this weekend; I stained the deck, he worked on the bar but it really could not have been more different. He came outside at least once an hour to check on how I was doing, to bring me a drink of water, tell me it looked great, and generally lavish attention on me. All good stuff. I had a viscious migraine on Saturday night and he took care of me better than any nurse. That alone makes me eternally grateful and if you've ever had a migraine you know exactly what I mean; they're brutal :mad:

My b/f is almost always very attentive, but this weekend, he outdid himself and he actually seemed happy that I was around. He even suggested that we make a dinner date during the week, which he never does.

I'm going to take the good just as heartfelt as I take the bad which means that for today, I get to feel great and keep the smile on my face.

The facts of my first post remain the same; they just are what they are for now and I still need to come to grips with it. Things are just easier to digest when they are going well.

ROCK ON.......Trish
 
Hi Trish,

It took my boyfriend and I some time when we first moved in together to get to a place where we could just be ourselves and not paying attention to each other. I think he felt like he would be a bad guy if he just wanted to watch TV and ignore me for a while-- and probably a lot of folks who've been on their own for a while have difficulty negotiating their own space in a live-in relationship at first.

What I'm trying to say is that maybe some of this is a "normal person" anxiety, just magnified by his own issues?

That being said-- your issue is very real and I think your first assessment of it is correct. At some point you playing the waiting game is going to lead to resentment and heartache etc.

How long would you be willing to stay in this relationship if you knew that the progress he had made up to this point was all the progress that he was going to make?
 
Trish, I dont know your situation, but my own would suggest that he has spent years alone without telling anybody what happened.

He probably feels safer on his own, so it will be difficult to let you in.
I think of it this way, a survivor has so much love inside, but finds it difficult to channel it to those they love or care for them.

Love might have just responded with negativity, of not knowing what will happen if he lets go.
Try with little things like a day out in the country where you can just be together.

You could try finding a hobby for him, all sorts of things, only you know the situation.
All I know is, its difficult,

ste
 
SAR,

How long would you be willing to stay in this relationship if you knew that the progress he had made up to this point was all the progress that he was going to make?
Click to expand...
His T asked me the same question the first time we met. I got my Irish up a bit and asked her how she could ask such a question when John hadn't even begun the work of healing? I refused, in a nice way, to entertain the question.

It's now months later and I do have to address the question. The answer is, not long. BUT he is making progress. So since I don't know what the finished man will look like, I have no intention of cutting loose. My gut tells me that I have a diamond in the rough, with bigger and bigger peeks of the polished gem shining through. When all is said and done, I'd kick myself if I gave up on him and us.

Since he's been in therapy our relationship has improved a great deal. Things he felt and thought about that he kept secret from me are much more in the open so that we can talk about it. At times, I'm taken aback because things that I didn't even know were broke are being addressed. Im learning how to deal with the man who is just learning how to be part of a couple, among a million other things. Its un-nerving at times, but mostly good.

This is a little thing in the grande scheme of things, but it meant a lot to me and it was hard for him. Over the weekend, HE made the suggestion for a dinner date last night. I went to his house after work and we had a delicious dinner, some good conversation; an all around nice, relaxing few hours. When I left, I hugged him and thanked him for inviting me and telling him it was nice that it was his idea instead of mine. He said, I know, thats why I did it. It meant a lot.

He is working so hard. At this point, Im the one who needs to adjust my time table or maybe my whole life plan. I dont need a place to live, I have one; I dont need children, I have one of those too; I dont need financial support, Im comfortable with what I provide for me. What I want is for my guy to be happy and to eventually be happy enough that he can truly share his life with me. For now, I wait and move forward. If things stop doing that, Ill have to re-evaluate.

Ste,

He probably feels safer on his own, so it will be difficult to let you in.
Click to expand...
Thats dead on, but again, hes working on it. He trusts me more than anyone ever, but its still very difficult for him. As for finding him a hobby, if you knew him, youd know how funny that it. This man NEVER stops moving. He is always working on something, preferably building something. If he runs out of things to build, hell tear something down just to build it back up again, bigger and better. Thats how he shuts his mind off and relaxes.


ROCK ON..........Trish
 
Trish,

I know you have your own problems etc., and I admire you for putting up with this guy.
If you read these boards and obviously you do, you probably think that a lot of great guys are here.

You are right, but mostly we would probably act the same way as your bf.
This is not a two way conversation, it is a bitty messy way of corresponding here.

How could I know what he really went on through in his child life!

An abused kid 'cannot' live a normal child life, and will have to figure out so many more things than his peers, and as good as parents may be, they cannot perceive this type of hurt.

Going back to the great guys who are talking about their hurt, we cannot really reach out in such a way as to say, yr a great guy for putting up with that sh*t, and look how strong you appear.

I was talking with my doc about a psyche doc report she got, which stated that I was mildly anxious.
She said that was because I appear laid back.

Yes, I told her its the mask I wear to just get by in society and be accepted.
She agreed that she should never judge on what she sees.

Your bf must have intrusive thoughts, constantly in his head, I do too, like abuse never goes away.
You notice that survivors are mostly forgiving of past events, in order to save themselves.

Most of us have changed our lives, full circle on hurt, and would never leave a legacy like that on any child.

Your bf needs to be coaxed into a more positive ways of living, small steps at first, and it is hard, and I think it would be almost impossible with me, but who knows, maybe one day,

ste
 
Ste, I don't see it as putting up with him. He's a good man with a damaged heart and way of thinking. He's good to me - always - and would never deliberately hurt me. He has, for sure, but that was his own messed up way of life, not a slap at me. I believe we've gotten past the worst of that and from this point forward, we go, well, forward.

The past most definitely rears it's ugly head now and again, more often than I would like, but that's the cards we were dealt so, we play the hand and hopefully come out on top. That's the plan anyway.

ROCK ON.......Trish
 
Hey Trish,

you have a plan, and that is good.
It seems you know each other pretty well, accept for his past creeping up sometimes.

I wish I could meet a woman like you who cares so much, but one thing I can say, is never let him take you for granted, but deep down he would love to just be a normal guy with you.

Believe me, its always worth it, to perservere in a relationship, and you should get loads back,

ste
 
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