Reaction To Family Parties/Get Togethers

Reaction To Family Parties/Get Togethers
J

JAAY

Registrant
I do not know if anyone else has experienced this but I will try to explain it in words...

I attended a family party last night (a party for my nephew). I have a big family 1 brother and 6 sisters. My sister who is 18 months younger then me has shared a similiar experience to me. I can to her about most things but she cannot talk to about the sexual abuse that we both encountered as children. My father raped us both ...I was 5 and she was about 9.

My siblings are in complete denial about my father. Some are very bitter with life in general while others only remember him as being a great guy. I guess I was his target. My mother had a messed up childhood herself and I do no think that she is unaware of the my father's mistreatment of myself and my sister. She is able to admit that he was very harsh, strict and moody. I cannot bring myself to tell what he did to me but I will tell her "it happens much more then people like to admit".

I find it very difficult to talk with my family about anything lately. I sit with the out of town visitors or with the kids in order to avoid them. I know that they would not accept that my father was that sick. my oldest sister would use it to hurt me...she mocks depressed people. Has anyone experienced this? How do you handle it?
 
Jaay,

My abuser was my older brother. Until last Christmas, we visited once a year, on Christmas Eve. That was it. Believe it or not, I wanted a "Brotherly" relationship with this man who caused me so much paina nd anguish. At the age of 39, I finally realized that our 20 year relationship was ABUSE and not a normal childhood. Last Christmas, I said NO for the first time in my life to my Brother. I would not and will not see him. This may not be the best solution, I do not know what the answer is. I guess I just wanted you to know that I am struggling wiht the same type of issues. Of course, he does not understand my recent reactions and changes, but I do.

Hang In There!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TeeJayUU
 
Jaay - it sounds like the level of denial in your family is great - very similar to mine -
my eldest sister acts out in a similar sadistic way - but that manifest in brow beating me in order to feel better about herself - and create a martyr like complex in her mind - a really sick thing -
and so i think my sister and your sister are quite
unhappy people - but are in so much denial -

yes it did happen to me too - but i am free of them now -
 
I am sorry of that situation, and of what happened with you and your sister. I have no living siblings. However, I had a very difficult time with telling my mother of any that happened to me. I ended up 'telling' her by taking her to a therapy session with me. We spend many rough weeks after that, some time of her not talking with me, me not talking with her, yelling at each other. I still maybe have some resentment of her never leaving my father, who was very physically abusive of us. And I still wonder some times if her being 'brainwashed' by him made her more blind to what was happening when I was being sexually abused.

I think maybe you are doing best thing, to spend time more with the out of town family and the children. If you anticipate a negative reaction from some of your family, then the stress of getting that kind of reaction may be too much to deal with right now. There is no law you ever have to disclose everything to everyone. Avoidance is not a bad thing at times.

Leosha
 
JAAY,

I don't know how close this is to your situation. Draw any parallels you find useful.

My immediate family has reunions once a year. That is, my brother, my sister, and I get together once a year to celebrate my sister's birthday. Our parents are both deceased. As excited as I am to be with them, by the time all is said and done, I'm glad I only have to see them once a year. My sister in particular is an "emotional blackhole," sucking up everyone else's energy. I have told neither of them about my sexual abuse. I do not plan to tell them about Mom's emotional incest in the foreseeable future. Why? Both of them still revere Mom as a hero, even though my brother began to occupy my role when I was in college. I may tell my brother about Grandpa's incest. I have reason to believe he would believe me. My sister would not.

In short, I've found that I stay in a saner frame of mind when I utilize a piece of advice from the Al-Anon book From Survival to Recovery: Growing Up in an Alcoholic Home: stay out of crazy-making situations, even if it means minimizing or severing family ties. After all, my brother and sister intimately know many if not all of my buttons and are uniquely skilled in goading me into craziness.
 
JAAY,

I don't know how close this is to your situation. Draw any parallels you find useful.

My immediate family has reunions once a year. That is, my brother, my sister, and I get together once a year to celebrate my sister's birthday. Our parents are both deceased. As excited as I am to be with them, by the time all is said and done, I'm glad I only have to see them once a year. My sister in particular is an "emotional blackhole," sucking up everyone else's energy. I have told neither of them about my sexual abuse. I do not plan to tell them about Mom's emotional incest in the foreseeable future. Why? Both of them still revere Mom as a hero, even though my brother began to occupy my role when I was in college. I may tell my brother about Grandpa's incest. I have reason to believe he would believe me. My sister would not.

In short, I've found that I stay in a saner frame of mind when I utilize a piece of advice from the Al-Anon book From Survival to Recovery: Growing Up in an Alcoholic Home: stay out of crazy-making situations, even if it means minimizing or severing family ties. After all, my brother and sister intimately know many if not all of my buttons and are uniquely skilled in goading me into craziness.
 
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