Re-Traumatization

[KMCINVA]

Hello

I have been away and will be leaving once again. I am trying to heal and disconnecting from the world has been helpful so I can focus on myself. I am hanging in there. I had an intense session at the PTSD Study--it hit the core of who I am--focusing on the past not from the events of the abuse but rather the emotions, triggers, sense of self, suicidal inclination, fears that have come with the initial trauma and subsequent re-traumatization.

I learned many of our fears, self-abuses, loss of self come from the initial abuse but for most of us it is the re-traumatization, the triggering of the past that adds to the wounds and loss of self-esteem and trust as well as increasing the suicidal tendencies. We spent time talking about suicide. I had to face my thoughts and frequency of such thoughts as well as one event that could have ended it all. I had to talk of the plans and I could recall with detail the number of times I had planned it so well from location and even buying rope and making the noose. I had never talked from this angle--more talk of the abuse than going in the other direction--where I am today and going backward to the abuse.

I now understand how the re-traumatization and triggers negatively impacted my thoughts. I have sensed it--to those who spat on me, locked me in a room, abandoned me, told lies of my abuse, detroyed personal property, verbal attacked as a gang--thank you for resurrecting and heightening these negative thoughts--many times you almost got your wish--my suicide.Yes and those who condoned or joined in a spread lies and stories of the abuse without knowing the truth you are as guilty as those who inflicted. You have destroyed me in many ways but I am still alive--barely to say the least. You should be proud of yourself for you got a B+ but thankful so far not that A in re-traumatizing a CSA survivor. You can tell your children and the world how you had the immoral and depraved consciousness to undertake such actions, you can tell it with a smile and denounce the survivor--you have done it well so far--a bit more practice and you may achieve your goal. God help you but maybe there is no help for those with depraved moral conscience. I read of the girl convicted of manslaughter for promoting the suicide of her boyfriend--her actions may have been more explicit than yours, but the effect is the same. Maybe due to the implicit nature of your actions the law protects but you are not protected from the moral law. Keep your lies going and one day it will eat at you, rip your soul and mind of who you have been.

I was asked a question, what is the percentage chance I would undertake suicide in a week, in a month. I had to ponder for some time and the answer scared me. For many people it is probably a zero percentage chance but I am no where near that point.

It was two and half hours and I was exhausted. I need to regroup and regain who I was meant to be.

I am signing off again, back into the world where instant news and technology did not control our lives or give people the opportunity to bully and destroy others. Being off grid has been helpful and I need more time in that state of being. I am sorry I have not welcomed all those who recently joined or provided support for those struggling. I think of survivors everyday and understand your pain and suffering as well as milestones you have achieved.

Keep well and Paul thank you for posting my prior thoughts. I will call but not yet ready as I am internalizing and then need to externalize my thoughts and emotions.

Kevin

 

[Ceremony]

(((Kevin))) I think of you dearly and with deep compassion. Thank you for showing your process and giving of all the thoughts that entails. I too thought of your family when I saw the news of that woman convicted of manslaughter. I thought of my wife, even those in school when I was 12-15, and absorbed the worst bullying.

I am bullying averse in an extraordinary way. My hypervigilance to such people has me needing self care all the time. I am avoiding a lot of news too, I get very worked up about some of it, and in my state of mind, I internalize too much. I even forget about staying grounded, mindfulness and doing things in the moment.

I'll be rooting for you every step, every part of your journey. You've many allies here, so many of us understand you and so many of us wish you the love you deserve.

 

[DanielQ432]

Kevin, I'm glad you are working on this stuff, even though it is very intense and extremely horrible to work through, I'm at a fairly similar place in therapy myself in many ways.

I completely agree about the concept of re-traumatization. I believe my life wouldn't be quite so messed up now if I hadn't had a very bad response to a prior event that ended up being as traumatizing as anything my father ever did to me.

In a nutshell, summer of 2012 I was going through some pretty serious physical health issues at the testing phase to try to achieve a diagnosis. Then I had a workplace violence incident. Then a couple of weeks after that, I got a diagnosis that I didn't want to hear, accept, or face. So ... I had always had a lot of suicidal thoughts anyway, and also as with you a pretty clear mental image of exactly how I would do it and how it would play out. I was in a really bad place, having many, many panic attacks, extreme insomnia, extreme hypervigilance.

So, Sunday of Labor Day weekend, I snapped ... at 4 in the morning, I went to a secluded, quiet place, a fishing pier a couple of miles from my house, with a loaded pistol - his, ironically - with the intent of doing it. And I sat there in the quiet dark and bargained with God, ultimately I didn't do it. I hate to say this, somewhere on a lake bottom is a pistol and a couple of bullets, but not together, two different directions. Pretty mucky lake and not safe to swim due to current, so hopefully ok.

So, my bargain with God was I would try to survive and face what I had to face. And then ... dumbass me, I broke down in front of one of the doctors I had to see and talked about that attempt. That brought a firestorm of trouble down on me - I was "asked" to go inpatient on the spot, and refused, so I was sent immediately that same day to a psychiatrist. That doctor then said the same thing, "I want you to go to the ER and tell them you need to be admitted for 72 hours" - which I refused, so I was then again "asked" to decide, by the next morning, if I would "voluntarily" attend a PHP, as well as seeing this psychiatrist twice a week until they could take me in the PHP, it generally was about a 3-4 week wait to be admitted to it. Of course, there was nothing voluntary about it except on paper. And that, guys, is the single most traumatizing discrete event of my life. I begged, pleaded, and promised to be "safe" and they wouldn't even listen. I think they were about one wrong word out of my mouth from calling the police and taking me against my will to the ER and psych ward. Well, I drove home shell-shocked and definitely suicidal, and spent the night coming up with crazy schemes to get myself out of it - cash out and run, fight it through an attorney, off myself on the spot - and by morning, I broke, 1000%, I completely broke, and I told them I would do it.

And ... that was NOT the worst part. The psychiatrist they insisted I see that day decided, in 5 minutes, that I was bipolar. That came down on me like a brickyard full of bricks. And that also brought a bunch of completely useless=at-best treatment, a mood stabilizer, some therapy and "psych education" about bipolar disorder. I was pronounced manic because I was completely unable to sleep, so I was walking around town all night to keep my mind and body from completely falling apart - the doctor decided that was mania. Nobody ever bothered to ask more than a few questions about my past, nobody ever bothered to consider the panic attacks and give me some kind of anxiety medicine or an anti-depressant. Nope, they just decided I was crazy.

Well, I did their damned PHP, and they initially told me 10 days (10 business days), and then they made me stay 5 extra because I was "resistant" to a lot of their ideas about what I should do, and which of their high wires I was supposed to walk without a net.

Oh, that other little trivial physical health problem, which the psych people also didn't seem to think was a factor in my "breakdown" because they just decided I was bipolar - I have a complex bone marrow disorder which can lead to leukemia if not treated, and which manifests in the present as a tough-to-control anemia.

So, kick me down to the ground, then kick me on the ground until I was a moment from death - that is what all of that felt like.

And, for 5 years now, 5 long fucking miserable years, I have been trying to deal with all of that in my mind.

 

[dac]

Daniel, I am so sorry you had to experience all of that, it sounds completely horrific. I am happy though that you are still with us, a strong survivor, battling to health, wholeness and healing along with the rest of us. It is sad indeed when mental health professionals, who are assigned to help and soothe, are responsible for the kinds of egregious care you received at their hands.

 

[DanielQ432]

Thanks, dac. I have to tell you, my insurance company has spent a hell of a lot of money on me to keep me alive in the last 5 years, and I spent about $100,000 in medical bills that weren't covered in 2012-2014.

Right now, I'm in a really foul mood, so I can only say "why?" I'm not worth it.

Ever heard of Gleevec. I take that, one a day, 400 mgs, and probably will have to the rest of my life. The OTC cost for a 30 day supply at my pharmacy is - not making this up -$10,486.00. My insurance covers it until I hit my out-of-pocket maximum for the year. I hit my OOPM for the year the first time I refill it in January. Another $2,000 a month for my therapist. $286 a month for Vyvanse. Another $100 or so a month for my asthma meds.

I have 16 or 17 active prescriptions.

WTF? I am a waste of space and resources. They should come along, haul me off, and subject me to my own personal Aktion Tiergartenstraße 4. Gas me and be done with this piece of human shit.

Can you tell I'm a happy camper today?

 

[Ceremony]

Hi Daniel, virtual (((Daniel))) to you!! I wish we had men's groups to get real hugs. I notice some here try to start them and that there are some. I spent months looking and noted they're around the country for pay in the major metros, but for free, for me, none that have worked for me. In my metro there's one for men and it's not worked for me. If I was a student at the University here in this city, I would have access to another "free" men's group.

Well, I understand that 2012 slip to your therapist. I've avoided the topic all the way. Never letting them know one iota of my real thoughts. I too have had one closer call; maybe you more than that? I have a lot of rage buried in me. It is sometimes triggered and it all goes at myself, like you're saying about self worth.

We're in this for a manageable life, and it's not fair. There's not some formula that I can see, it's finding what works for each of us. I notice your methods and hope some relief is working for you . The tensions and stresses of our lives really get to us.

Keep trying, which I know you don't want to hear, but my friend, it's still something we might eventually accept?

 

[DanielQ432]

Yeah, there is one about 25 miles from me, one evening a month. I probably should try it, but the timing is bad, I probably couldn't make it on time from work.

I have a lot of anger, but I thought I had resolved the 2012 psych fiasco thing. The ongoing myelodysplastic syndrome is another thing, I was pretty convinced I would die a miserable death in my 50s from myeloid leukemia, but so far, the drug is working. Which is unfortunate for the Cosmos. I am an enormous piece of shit, worth nothing.

What have I accomplished at work in 2 months -diddly squat. They are all extremely understanding and cover for me, and say nice things - and I fucking hate that too. Where is the accountability? Someone should say "get off your ass or else". Because I feel terrible about it in the first place, and all of their "nice" just makes me feel worse. Why should they pay me for nothing.

Yeah, gas me, shoot me, beat me to death, or put me in the electric chair. It's all I've ever been worth. All I will ever be. I guess fundamentally my crime is being a coward douchebag. I have nothing whatsoever to offer the world.

 

[dac]

I spent my whole life thinking I was a worthless piece of shit, trash, valueless, a deviant pervert better off dead. What a load of crap! You and I are just as inherently valuable and deserving of life as anyone in the whole damn world! Our abuse and trauma made us think this way, and you know what? There are other ways of thinking! Ways that you decide for yourself, not what abusers twisted into your young brain. I myself have been working hard to cultivate positive thoughts and to beat negative thoughts into oblivion before they take hold.

As an aside, that sure seems like a lot of money to pay to a therapist every month! This is one thing I got lucky with, I have a therapist I love, but my co-pay is only $10 per session. I guess I have good insurance here at work.

Hang in there Daniel.

 

[DanielQ432]

I don't pay anything out of pocket after January except my insurance premiums. That is what they bill Blue Cross, but of course, they actually get less than that because of the way the system works.

Of course I know that about the self esteem black hole, intellectually, but my intellectual mind has packed a bag and run for the hills for the past couple of weeks and is in hiding. So, the crazy messed up emotional inner voice is running the show.

My positive thinking was always lacking, I sometimes get into that zone but not very often.

Then something happens and it just falls apart. Maybe I need to about quadruple my Prozac.

I'm gonna try and ride my heart out and see if that helps clear my head - it helps a lot, except I have a lot of flashbacks to riding back in the bad days when I was under the gun of the psych ward.

You know the really interesting part about that - I went twice after I was discharged to a monthly support group for the patients. I was really preoccupied at that time with throwing everything I had at the wall to try and fix the mess, physically and mentally. So, I was riding every night like 20-30 miles, and on Saturdays like 60-80 miles. I told them that in the support group - it was one thing I was immensely proud of - it was saving my life and sanity, and gave me a little hope. So, the leader of the group was this psych nurse I had never seen before. After I told them my proud tale, she looks at me and says "it sounds like you're manic to me" - I was utterly crushed, sat there stonefaced but seething, and broke down, had a huge cry, and stayed away from home, finally went to the gym at like 2 AM and crashed in the lounge until morning.

 

[KMCINVA]

Thank you everyone. I have been speaking with several professionals and they lean toward a sense re-traumatization can be worse for many survivors because it brings the emotions and senses of the initial trauma forward. On going re-traumatizaion leads many to desperate situations. We talked about me and so many have difficulty understanding how a mother can not see wrong it what her child did--spitting, locking someone in a room, destroying property and so on. Several have asked what abuse did she live as a child to be so desensitized to abuse. We talked of what I have spoken of--father being pushed from the table and his son waving him goodbye and the gang laughing, the aunt and uncle who beat the daughter and the brother who incessantly teased her--they said all signs of abuse. They said bullying is abuse and it appears to have been commonplace in the family. They have said people only see abuse as being abuse if it is physical and do see the damage of teasing, bullying and abandoning as abuse. It is, because both physical and the other forms of abuse leave internal scars. Only today with cyberbullying and the recenet case of the girl convicted of manslaughter for pushing someone to commit suicide is society beginning to see the internal wounds. In families they said is more difficult because of the inner workings. They said for example, each time the father left the table, the son waved him away, the brother-in-law and his sister, the man's wife left the table a subtle message that this behavior was acceptable seeped into the child's mind and created a belief system. For many it would have created a message this is wrong and for others an acceptable behavior. Clearly they said from the way I was treated and it being condoned the latter message was internalized.

They said a mother who witnessed a child doing what he did to me, the father, who did not grow up around degrees of abuse would have been horrified and would not be protecting him. Instead because of her childhood and desensitization to abuse she has promoted abuse and this behavior and it is carrying to all the children--for they have not denounced but rather condoned this behavior and chose to deny my abuse. They said for me, why I struggle so much is two fold, the initial trauma and the re-traumatization by the ex and children. They said their denials and lies of the abuse serve to reinforce and establish new levels of re-traumatization. The doctors said those that re-traumatize are using abuse to further their cause.

I understand all this cognitively. But emotionally it is eating at me--day and night. I hear their name or see their name on an email or message and I freak out, fear and anxiety take over. The doctors say that is from the conditioning of being abused or re-traumatized. I think of my abuser, the thought of him makes me sick to my stomach. They do the same. The doctors have said by re-traumatizing they have stepped into the place of the abuser. The professionals say they need therapy or their lives will unravel and they will continue to live a life of lies. I know all this but they seem to know more than the professionals. I am worried about me and the doctors have said that is a good thing to be thinking of myself. When one worries about oneself the doctor said, is a sign that the person is facing the past and wants a future. I said I am not sure if I want a future and he said, you would not be worrying if I did not want a future. I am befuddled.

Enough of my rant. Re-traumatization sucks and those that think they have not done it--how wrong you are. I am beginning to realize I am not crazy but rather damaged from so much--dissociation, syncope, PTSD all medical conditions that are real--are those that re-traumatize truly opened and understanding or are they suffering from living past abuse or abandonment? Will they honestly answer--if like me up to several years ago--no--it took a major falling apart and one day, sadly I must say you will live your own. You have the chance to get help. It maybe too late for me--I do not know--I struggle and death does not seem like a bad place and then life with someone I love seems good.


Kevin

 

[KMCINVA]

Difficult night--wandered outside most of the night. I have deep darker thoughts and all the conjuring up of the past to heal is sometimes overwhelming especially with the focus on the re-traumatization. I kept thinking over and over why can those that have inflicted such pain not see the damage they have done or the callousness, meanness and disregard for life of the acts they have done. It is draining and increases the suicidal thoughts when I become consumed.

I have been told I need to view them in two ways--children of my blood and strangers who have the ability to demonize--and the demonizing is sanction by adults who see nothing wrong. I was asked do I believe my silence allows them to perpetuate the lies and denials that is traumatizing me? I say yes, because I know silence caused pain and hurt. I can talk in support groups or with doctors but if I told many they know, how would these people react? I think I know because of those who came to me after hearing the lies.

I need to let the world know, because I believe this silence will continue to eat at me and one day I will take the noose and maybe be at peace--at last. I think about it. As I wandered last night I looked at places that would serve this purpose, tree limbs, electric towers--places where it would not be public-I would be obscure. My friends are now all overseas so I could not run to them--maybe their calling away will give me the answer I have long put off--I feel peace and calm now. I have no sense of caring for preservation of material objects or possessions. I have been purging and have items I need to send to people that maybe one day they will bring them some love and remind them of the good times. Maybe when I am gone they will seek the help they desperately need.

I hope the world learns a survivor is fragile and deals with much internal anguish and pain. Insensitivity and abuse only further raises the pain and sense of inadequacy. I struggle and I continue to write but much does make sense. Why are people so cruel but believe they are good?

I hope today, through exhaustion, I see hope and gain insight. I have a group session this afternoon. I will be raw and will be sharing these thoughts and looking for insights from others--because I know I am not the only one to suffer being re-traumatized. It is said the suicide rate is higher for those who are constantly re-traumatized and I believe it. I can not distinguish the boundary between the CSA and the re-traumatizing acts--It has become one mass abuse. The doctors say I need to separate because they are different and will have different effects on a person--where the suicidal thoughts are derived needs to be understood to remove these thoughts from daily life.

I feel like a mess, a mess falling apart, a mess that others keep dumping shit and making the mess bigger and bigger. It has been said to me, those that have lied and denied my abuse are making their pile of mess grow each day because they do not realize it is eating at them internally and one day they will be facing psychological challenges. It is such a vicious cycle.

Good bye

Kevin

 

[KMCINVA]

Something recommended I read and share with those who have re-traumatized me. I doubt they would even read because they believe they know more than the experts--they believe their advanced degrees in stupidity are far beyond those of trauma experts--they must believe this because their behavior supports this belief.


PTSD and Re-Traumatization
Posted on February 22, 2016 by gentlekindness

Standard PTSD is a term most people have heard, but often they do not really know what it means.

If you tell someone you have PTSD, it may be hard for them to know what you mean by that, unless they have it themselves or maybe they have a close friend or family member with it.

People with PTSD have trouble with relationships, but not for the reasons people think.

Once you have been traumatized, and then re-traumatized by triggering situations, you feel generally unsafe and there is a natural tendency to want to retreat…back up your steps and run for cover.

People with PTSD can be re-traumatized by people who do not understand, and by people who are more concerned with their own agenda than really understanding.

When someone with PTSD has certain triggers, and explains those triggers to someone, it is important that they are validated and respected. If someone wants to care about a loved one with PTSD, they need to really listen to that person, when they talk about what triggers them.

*A person that intentionally uses your triggers against you is dangerous to your mental well being.

But then there are people who just don’t want to listen to or respect your boundaries. Your perceptions are not of an significance to them.

Everyone has personal boundaries, but people with post traumatic stress disorder can suffer severe re-traumatization when a loved one does not honor their trigger boundaries.

Some triggers cannot be avoided, such as loud noises that may occur independently from either person. However, talking someone into going to a loud dance club, or guilting them into going to fireworks, when it has been made clear that loud noises are triggers, is abusive.

People who have PTSD from the military, and people who have PTSD from domestic abuse have different causes for their symptoms, but some things are the same.

The fight-or-flight mode is activated by the amygdala. If the brain perceives a threat, even if that threat is not real, the amygdala will send chemicals into the body like adrenaline and cortisol.

The feeling in the body of a “perceived threat” and a real threat is exactly the same. The same physiological responses occur, including blood pressure elevation, and feeling of extreme fear and the feeling that you have to act right away.

Someone who had their jaw fractured by an abusive boyfriend, who suddenly stormed towards them in a fit of anger, may be triggered by someone coming quickly into their personal space, especially if that person is angry.

Once you have asked someone not to do certain things which trigger you, it is a terrible feeling when they still continue to do them. It feels very violating, and only serves to break the trust bond.

Relationships need to be based in trust. Intimate relationships, as well as friendships and family relationships have to feel safe. If one person does not feel safe, then there is a lack of understanding and a lack of trust.

Without both parties feeling safe, the relationship will break down. People with PTSD can find it difficult to trust again, after others have invalidated them about their symptoms.

Sometimes someone will disbelieve you, minimize your trauma, or accuse you of trying to manipulate them with your explanations about your trauma and your triggers. This is very painful and re-traumatizing.

People who have PTSD or C-PTSD from abuse were invalidated as part of the abuse process. Their emotions were minimized, disregarded and made fun of.

To have someone close to you minimize your PTSD, or disbelieve you is re-traumatizing. It gives the victim into an emotional flashbacks or actual sensory flashbacks.

You can only tolerate being traumatized and re-traumatized so many times.

Soldiers that come back from war only to be disrespected by civilians, or invalidated and ignored by the Veterans Administration, are being re-traumatized.

It is a way of invalidating a person’s reality. This has negative effects on the person’s mental and emotional state.

People with PTSD can be perfectly good and caring partners and friends. They just need validation, respect and understanding.

But after repeated re-traumatization, a person feels isolated and too vulnerable to take a chance on trusting another person again. This leads to self isolation, depression, and often suicidal thoughts.

Evolutionary psychology tells us that our subconscious brain feels threatened by the potential that we would be completely isolated, shunned or thrown out of the social circle.

A Little Evolutionary Psychology
In the past, humans lived in social survival groups called tribes. Being accepted and included by the tribe was critical for survival. Being shunned would have meant death !

Our primal brain (called the reptilian brain) perceives rejection by the tribe to be potentially life threatening. When we are feeling a similar kind of threat, it triggers the fight or flight response in our limbic system of the brain. The amygdala becomes active and send all kinds of alerts and chemicals into the body.

Technically, we could survive living alone and isolated these days, but we were not meant to live in isolation… especially isolation due to “mobbing” or “scapegoating” by the tribe.

This is one of the reasons that scapegoated family members, suffer such severe mental and emotional trauma.

People with PTSD need to feel that they will still be accepted by the Tribe (family, community…whatever applies to the situation…).

They need to know that their personal reality will be validated, even though it may be very different from that of other people. The experiences someone with PTSD has endured may seem strange to people that have not ever had that kind of trauma in their reality.

Isolation can cause death by suicide or “failure to thrive.”

Self isolation will almost always cause severe depression. But being re-traumatized is just as bad, and the brain will try to lead people away from that pain.

 

[Ceremony]

(((Kevin))), so often, of all the people I wish I could sit with on this board, it's you.

I want to get away from my re-traumatizing wife.

I'm glad there are kind people on this Forum and some show me great kindness.

My wife uses yelling.

When she goes on and on that I have to stop being a victim, I get so mad.

Well, I can't escape, I can't! There's no money for me, and no shelters. I smiled at Tom who happened to mention that shelters should be available for men and he wanted to look into what that is? Such kindness for men.

Isolation and shutting down are the trait of PTSD and that reptilian stage is too much, it's the submitting stage. At least the Limbic stage there's fight. I like the idea of fight, and it's getting on my nerves.

 

[KMCINVA]

Ceremony

All the re-traumitization knocks the wind out of one's sail. It has robbed me of a desire to live, I know I should not let others push me down but the conditioning of the abuse is only reinforced by years and years of re-traumitization. It is sad they do not see it as such--PTSD, CSA are not real to them---lies, re-traumatizing and denials are their only reality--which is quite sad and says little of their moral character. The study and the depth of questions is bringing the truth of who they are to the forefront and making me realize the ex grew up with abuse around them. Honestly, I spoke of the father leaving the table and they all said he does not have a sense of humor--wrong and I think most overlook this as being bullying--and yes people can be bullied at any age. The aunt and uncle beating a daughter because she was dating someone of a different religion is overlooked but talking and laughing at others misfortune or challenges is acceptable--something definitely wrong and those that idolize the aunt and uncle who beat the daughter better take a look at their own ability to properly judge abuse. I did not come from the perfect family but we did not deny the trials and tribulations of the family. We had issues and I do not deny them--denial is our enemy to heal.

Looking backwards at the abuse from where I am today to the 10 year old boy vs. looking from the 10 year old boy to today has given me a different perspective on me and the damage done. For some, going from abuse to today sheds light, but for me I am seeing and accepting more going in a different direction. We all face it from different paths.

Thank you for your support and I understand what you are feeling and how an environment like yours stifles healing and destroys one further. Take care of yourself!!!

Kevin

 

[DanielQ432]

Kevin, I too wish I could be there for you in some way, other than some words on a computer screen. Everything you wrote I can understand and relate too, and I wish I could say it's not so, but I've come to know other survivors of complex traumas, both childhood and adult, through online MH forums like this one, and the experiences of people close to them not "getting it", not understanding, and not having support or sympathy is very common. It was my experience, after my 2012 breakdown, when I needed calm, quiet, loving support, I got criticism, commotion, berated, screamed at - the opposite of what would help calm a very frayed nervous system.

I think unfortunately, it's often the case that people just don't understand the depth, severity, or complexity of a situation until it happens to them.

 

[DanielQ432]

Kevin, I wanted to say more about the piece you posted, but I got interrupted. There is a lot of truth there, I've lived a lot of the points the author makes. The one biggest thing I found lacking in support from family was my need for peace, quiet, and a low-key, low-stress environment. My family dynamic never was that, thanks to dear old Dad (may he burn in Hell for all eternity!), and that continued forward through now, really - my family's only mode of action is crisis mode, which brings out the worst in everyone. So, things are never done in advance, no plans are made, the entire group just jumps from crisis to crisis to crisis, perpetually tense - basically it's communal CPTSD.

And, of course, when I spun out, hit the wall 5 years ago and nearly went up in flames, they responded how they always respond - like disorganized chickens with a fox in the coup, running around with no plan, rhyme, or reason, and always willing to sacrifice the other person to save their own hides. What that translated to in real-world terms was I shut down on almost all day to day functionality except the absolutely vital that couldn't be avoided - and they became progressively more and more pissed about that. None of them wanted to hear a word from me in explanation or defense, it was just cold shoulder, mean looks, and a lot of comments behind my back, nasty comments and mean things said.

I remember one of the rotating topics at the PHP for the daily "psych education" hour was "Support" - we had to fill out some kind of dumb questionnaire about the support we expected and wanted - they didn't like my response, which was to write "Fucking Good Luck With This" across the entire page. But, then again, I was, in my mind, a Prisoner of War - not literally, but in my attitude, since I was there completely under duress against my will - and they were the North Koreans or North Vietnamese, intent on torturing me as much as possible, so, hey, they were lucky I was that reserved.

 

[KMCINVA]

Difficult weekend but one I hope will help me look forward. I took the advice of a doctor and send to those who re-traumatized me the article written about PTSD that I posted place a list of of what was done to me and others. It was prefaced with do you consider this abuse. The doctor said if they answered 2 or more know they have major issues discerning right from wrong. I highly doubt they read because they are brave attacking others but cowards to face the truth of their actions. I am learning this is common with abusers and those that re-traumatize. I actual felt good--I had I think 17 items but the list was far greater. The doctor said I should send the complete list to those they denied or lied about the abuse. I think people would be repulsed especially learning of a CSA survivor and the medical diagnoses. I may one day--I say asking the question and speculating on their answer made me realize they need help.

Anyone I am trying to move forward. I have ups and downs and downs. I realize all those years of having no support only I need this, I want this, I deserve this if we can send the kids to college I should be able to have this, my sister says I have to get there, my brother does not want to hear the other sister did not have a baby so you better get there (he did not send his wife), and the bullying and constant pushing of the fathr away from the table, the aunt and uncle who beat their daughter always found fault with others while talking how good they were--no they were doing more damage. It is sad and I hope they get help. But they will not read or listen for "fear" of learning of their brutal attacks or condoning brutal attacks may be too much for them. I do not know. But clarity on their issues helps me to realize I must distance myself or they will continue to re-traumatize. Maybe one day I will post here the questions is this abuse here.

I guess survivors do look at relationships different--trust, not being re-traumatized from the simplest act of bullying to the extreme of being spat on, grease thrown, abandoned and so on. Trust was destroyed by the CSA and further by their actions.

Life can truly suck.

Kevin

 

[Chris4TheMill]

It is really difficult finding safe people. Everyone seems to be so damaged themselves, even if they deny it.
I know that safe people exist, so I have not given up looking for them. But it can get discouraging.
Some of us have to look outside of our families unfortunately because our family members are not safe.
If I didn't have my faith and a small amount of really good friends, I don't think I would have lasted this far.
I am strong enough now that I can go on without the support of family members, but of course we wish things were different and that they were there for us.

 

[KMCINVA]

Feeling safe and finding safe people is difficult. I have a group who have been here for me over the past few years but most are now dispersed around the world. They truly brought comfort and were raising kind children who made me feel safe. Sadly, those who received the list of questions and probably laughed them off do not know how to make people feel safe. Some talk a game but of how they try to help everyone in actuality what they have said and done is far worse than others--and none of it is good.

I hope one day to be free of thoughts of death but rather full of thoughts of life and dreams. It is hard and doctors have said the re-traumatization proved nearly fatal to me. Those that inflicted will laugh or deny as fiction, re-traumatization does not exist along with CSA, dissociation, trauma, PTSD and so on.

I am glad you found the strength to move forward and live without support of some and it is sad those that should be there for you are not there for you.

Take care of yourself. Thank you for your perspective--so true the need to feel safe.

I have been off line except for periodic moments. I will be checking out again--I have been focusing of mindset and a friend is encouraging meditation and I went to a session. Meditation requires focus and blocking out the world and those who have made me feel unsafe for so long and had helped to put me in a state of loosing the will to live. Avoidance and removing them I have been told is my only answer. Disconnecting--walking thinking, touring monuments and music, sitting on the Mall in DC for hours reflecting and sometimes crying is giving me insight into myself. It is taking me to places in life of peace and joy and I have been less overcome by the intrusive thoughts of the abuse. Another day of it and I look for this serenity.

Kevin

 

[DanielQ432]

Kevin, I'm glad you are able to get yourself into a better state of mind at times. We all go through the roller coaster of emotion, some times it takes weeks or months to run through the entire range from despair to joy, some times, at least for me, I can get there in minutes. You need to take care of yourself. As you must know, being a veteran of these bloody wars for so long, other people who read your story and know your struggles are pulling for you, because they see so much value in you, and so much that you deserve, because you are alive, human, and good, at the base level, and your right to exist and live in happiness and peace only expands from there.

But, as you also must know, as I do so well, that is a viewpoint that we cannot seem to extend to ourselves. If anyone else told me my exact story, and told me how he felt about himself, like some abomination before God and the Cosmos that should be destroyed before its evil can spread, I would tell that man that he is so completely wrong he is beyond any definition of the word wrong. However, I hold myself to this other, impossible, brutal standard, and I bet you do too, since we all do. Nothing is ever good enough, and I question whether I have any redeeming quality at all.

I bring this up because - the problem with the people in our lives is that many of them just cannot understand what we went through, and I guess I can't really fault them for that - unless another person has gone through the same type of experience, they will NEVER fully understand how we feel, act, behave, function - as sad as it is to say, the abuse is basically what shaped us into who we are, and it makes us run the way we do.

Sometimes, even if it's hard, I think we need to cut ties, or minimize them, to the people in our lives who will never be able to understand and cut us a break. Family is a very fluid word these days - family is who you make it, surround yourself with the people who love you, support you, and can understand what you need to get through this.

Kevin, take care of yourself, and check in when you feel like you can or need to. I'm pulling for you, for others here like Tyler, Ceremony, greenwizzard, CIDT, everyone really, in ways I could never for myself.